10 STEPS TO GETTING HIT BY A CAR ON CLYBOURN AVE.

1. try to get hit while on your way to a comedy open mic, in order to best
    capitalize on the experience.

2. be on a bicycle. you will garner maximal disdain from motorists.

3. wear a helmet, otherwise your story will probably end up less funny, and you
    will tell it with more 'umms' and slobber, and fewer intentional punchlines.

4. ride at night. nighttime makes drunk drivers feel like batman!

5. wear a blinky red tail-light. this way, you will be more visible in the dark, which
    makes it easier for motorists to aim.

6. ride your bike in Lincoln Park, or any neighborhood full of people you already
    feel comfortable vilifying and caricaturing with a broad, shit-slathered brush.

7. get hit by the car, preferably from behind rather than head-on (this may be a
    matter of personal taste).

8. after you hit the ground, remember: your life is not an episode of Gilligan's
    Island. the head injury you just incurred did not fix your prior skeletal/mental
    ailments; you just feel better right now because your body is in shock.
        8a. if you insist that said injury did in fact fix your previous head problems,
                you have a concussion.

9. stand up, go to the nearby walgreen's, and size up your bruises and black eyes.
    use the mirrors on the sunglass rack to see yourself; do not try using the
    cellophane of a donut box, because the reflection is less accurate, and when
    you gaze blankly into it for 90 seconds, with your bloodied face, you look like
    a murderer on acid, and the walgreen's employees notice.

10. milk your trauma onstage at the open mic for all it's worth.
        10a. if you are so inclined, construct a bitchy adaptation in list-form.

**

10 STEPS TO HITTING A CYCLIST ON CLYBOURN AVE.

1. be in a car; this makes everything way easier. if you hit a cyclist while you are
    on foot, you will likely have to stay and fight, or run and jump some fences.

2. bring a friend (who is not a pussy) to ride shotgun. later, he'll verify the story to
    your other friends if they don't believe you.

3. be drunk, but not too drunk (a cardinal rule for all successful manslaughter).

4. do it at night. you feel like fuckin batman!

5. do it in Lincoln Park, or any neighborhood where your neighbors all look like
    you, so you can spot people who don't belong there, people you feel
    comfortable hitting.

6. spot the cyclist. drift to the right, and hit him. not too hard. not hard
    enough to kill him. just hard enough.

7. he's probably fine. speed up and get the fuck out of there.

8. bump knuckles with your buddy. impersonate the cyclist's reaction to the
    unexpected crash (use a gay lisp). roll down the windows and breathe deep.
    appreciate the endorphin rush. you are the master of your domain! like fuckin
    batman!

9. go to the bar. party: try to fuck some people, drink until you are numb to the
    ulcerous self-loathing that eats at your mid-section throughout your sober
    workday.

10. repeat.