Question: Are you a Democrat, Republican, or Southern Republican ?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a .40 caliber Glock, and you are
an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do ?
Okay, so here's the original message:
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed ?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?
Could we run away ?
What does my wife think ?
What about the kids ?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand ?
What does the law say about this situation ?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it ?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me ?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me ?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me ?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted ?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click..... (sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points ?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Now here's MY version:
DEMOCRAT BLAM! Now, where did this guy come from---*checks ID*. Okay, well now that I know THAT, we'll take all this guy's buddies out; I just need to consult everybody else to make sure they don't get screwed over by my one decision. Especially if it turns out to be a stoopid fucking decision. Like that one guy, uh....what's his name....Shrub! That's it, Shrub!
Oh, and while I'm at it, we should probably fix up the economy, improve education, and quit cutting necessary federal programs in favor of the military so that this sort of stuff won't happen as much anymore.
Oh wait a minute--the political and social atmosphere in the country has made it so that my party can't actually
DO anything! It also doesn't help that the Republicans control the Senate, the House of Representatives, the Supreme Court,
and the White House. Oh, well. We'll just have to do our best and wait until this Shrub guy gets replaced. Pity the poor bastard that has to clean up after him.
*sigh*
REPUBLICAN BLAM! Whoopee! I liked that! Now let's ask the Southern Republicans what to do!
You see, thanks the the political atmosphere in America today, you either
have to be with the Southern Republicans or risk being accused of being a whiny liberal little bitch and then get ostracized and made fun of by the media, the party in power, TV, suck-up comedians, cartoons, and basically everything else in this country except a couple of obscure political cartoonists.
So yeah! Let's ask the Southern Republicans what to do! 'Cuz those Democrats are whiny little liberal bitches!
SOUTHERN REPUBLICAN BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! etc., etc., etc.,
Well, that was fun! Now, where did this guy come from and who funded him? *checks ID* The United Arab Emirates, eh? Well, then, let's attack Iraq, instead! Even though we should be going after this guy's buddies and his leader, we'll go after some other guy (and the wrong country.gov't completely) just because I don't like him! Oh yeah, and he tried to kill my daddy.
Wait, everybody else doesn't like it? Fuck 'em! They aren't patriots! Sending the country into a multi-million dollar deficit and a multi-billion dollar debt is patriotic, by gum! Protesting what I do just shows that they are un-American liberal hippie bastards with no balls! Not like me 'n my boots! (I love my boots!)
Oh yeah, since the gov't is losing so much money, we'll cut taxes and increase defense spending so that the gov't will get even less money! Oh, wait...shit...that ain't right. Oh well. Our motto seems to be "Stick to yer guns and yer policies", so let's not go back on dumb decisions. Luckily, not being "uncertain" about idiot policies will be viewed by these sheep as admirable and a sign of stability. Even if we fuck up, they'll reelect us!
*Later* Okay, well, people don't like us being in the completely wrong country. Normally I'd say "Fuck 'em! They ain't Patriots!", but people are getting all uppity about that response. Sooo...nukes! That's it, nukes! And
of course there are nukes in the Middle East--we still have the receipts from Reagan's administration!
*Still later* Okay, well that one didn't pan out, either. Dammit. Well, let's bash gay people and deny them the rights all other Americans enjoy just because the Bible says so! And since that's basically our only justification, let's conveniently skip over the "peace, brotherhood, love thy neighbor, God loves all His children" parts that Jesus seemed so enthusiastic about preaching. It's un-American, by Jingo! Also, let's blame the increasing loss of money on Mexicans stealing our jobs from Americans, even though there are precious few Americans who will actually go out into the fields at five in the morning to pick the very food they eat. Mexicans do the jobs we refuse to do, but let's kick 'em out of the country! Makes sense to me! Jesus was probably against Mexicans, too. I'm sure I can find something in my Bible about that.
Luckily, both of these debates will take people's minds off the Middle East for a while. Then they won't worry about the fact that now that one regime is gone, the
ENTIRE Middle East is now destabilized and, if we fuck up this next delicate stage, could implode on itself and create a third world war. Also, they won't worry about the fact that China, with its growing economic and social power, might take advantage of the situation and swoop in to crush the United States. After all, their
land military alone has more people in it than our entire continent, and if we nuke e'm, we'd cause a nuclear winter!
Yeah. But argue about gay rights and they won't think about it. Thank God for reality TV; it keeps the masses content while we *ahem* improve this country.
*After a little while longer* Okay, well now basically everybody in the world hates America. Even our allies are of the opinion that we fucked up. Bad. Well, FUCK 'EM! We're America, Goddammit! We do what we want! If you aren't with us, you're...uh...gonna get bombed and regime-changed!
Hell yeah! Fuck terrorists, liberals, hippies, gays (not literally, that's what we're trying to stop, of course), foreigners, and anybody else who doensn't like we're doing!
God Bless America!