So, I've been thinking about this thing that happened to me today. I was in a parking lot, trying to back out of my spot. Behind me was this woman who would not move. Being the patient man I try to be, I simply wait for her to move because no one in their right mind just sits there, blocking 3 spots. Well, I turned out to be wrong, so I got out of the car and started cursing and screaming at her to move. I lost my mind. She moved though and the cool Asian dude in the truck got to go along with me. Turns out, she just so happened to be an employee at Commerce. So, I got reported. Everything is settled with that now, but I've been thinking on the whole deal tonight...

Let's back track for a moment. Take into consideration that the past week has been a constant shit storm for me. Every time I catch a break, someone comes around and shits on me. Just when things start to look good, I get fucked.

So, let's look at last Monday. It was a long hard day as usual and happened to be raining like hell in Jersey. Luckily, I can handle just about any precipitation, but at the end of the night, my car started to break down. Turns out I got a fucked up fuel injector. Ok, no worries... I've been borrowing my mother's Galant. A fine car, I must admit, but I really do prefer my crappy Sentra. It's a sentimental thing, honestly. Tuesday, I spent the day getting used to the car and trying to understand how to avoid all the idiots on the road. All in all, Tuesday wasn't so bad aside from all the idiots that happened to be on the road. So, Wednesday comes. A long day for me and it was covered in idiots. I was running late all day long, but out of sheer luck I didn't have to go into Brooklyn.

Then, the day of all days. Thursday. I get word my co-worker is on vacation, so I have to cover all her stuff. I ended up doing 6 more banks that I normally do and I was running 30 minutes behind now. This made me kind of flustered, but I pulled through like always. Thursday night, I finally get into the groove of things and I'm about to come into Staten Island to clock in for the night.

My other co-worker ditched me... I had to drive to Brooklyn. So, I drove to Brooklyn despite being a bit irate over my co-worker leaving me like that, but whatever. I got over it quickly. Friday was ok, Saturday was ok and Sunday just so happened to be rather enjoyable in fact.

But, then... Monday... I'm still covering for the co-worker. I'm running late all over the place and the only thing that manages to go right is the other co-worker doesn't ditch me.

Today... I ran late again. Everything built up on me and by the time of the Commerce parking lot incident... I was on the edge.

Frankly, I feel really bad for going all out on this woman. I really did let loose on her. She got all the pent up rage I've been trying to just push down and suck up. I honestly feel bad for what I've done and I plan on apologizing tomorrow.

However, I try to also take into account that my mental sanity has gone out the fucking window. On top of all the work struggles, I've got money struggles and all kinds of other struggles that I don't even want to tell you about. Although, she doesn't know about these things, can I really use these as an excuse, at least for myself?

I question all this because despite how often I get shit on and how often people fuck me (accidently or on purpouse) I still try to put a smile on people's faces. I still do favors for everyone. Hell, this particular bank... I've done so much for them. I barely ever report them for holding me up... despite the fact they do it every day.

And so, you may lead yourself to question, "Why the fuck do I this? Why do I STILL help these people and STILL give them all a chance?"

It's odd and I feel odd. I feel really weird about everything happening to me right now and I feel like everything is coming on so fast, yet it's all so slow. I'm exaggerating so much that I think I've lost my mind.

Or maybe I'm not exaggerating?

That's another problem. I question every thing I do and feel. I can't just coincide...

Either way... I've just done a real nice resume tonight. In fact, it's almost 2 pages long. I had more stuff to add, but they were kind of miniscule and not really worth putting on there. Plus, they would have definitely made it 2 pages long.

I'm hoping to get out of this mess. For once and for all. And when I do get out of it, I have more plans. And I want to go through with them.

I want to fucking do something for my fucking self and really learn to appreciate what I've done. Selfish? Sure, maybe a bit, but I think I might deserve it and if any amount, the least bit.

Thanks for reading this, if you did. Don't feel obliged to comment, but if you read it, keep it yourself and try to put yourself in my place. Try to feel like I feel. I know you all have your own problems, but take a look at mine and maybe you might feel a bit better about your own.

And as always, I must finish this with a smile. =)