He had said I could do another interview previously, and this time I thought I would dig deeper, and even hand deliver some questions directly from his minions. I think it went quite well, and both of us were excited to get the ball rolling. In fact it was hard to stop the interview and leave Hell. Satan has expressed alot of excitement over the release of this interview, I was going to make it available for public viewing this Saturday, but could not wait. And now I give a send off to the Hellraiser3 event currently taking place with this candid conversation with Satan himself.



Last Sunday afternoon, poolside at Satans home...


(G) Thanks again Satan for inviting me back to Hell, and of course for another round of interviewing. This time if you don't mind I'd like to dig a bit deeper into the err deific being behind the horns. Lets start off with some recent events as of late and get your views shall we.

Recently famed animal activist, ecological educator and staple of improv acts Steve Irwin died. Of all persons many expected Satan to be all cheer of this event, rather you stood up for the man and even had some kind words to say about him. Is Steve now in hell? And will he be joining your staff of all stars?

(S) Thanks Goblin. It's really great to be here! Well, I live here in Hell, but it really is good. I want to first thank you for taking the interest to interview me again. I had a really great time last week visiting in your home. You showed me many skulls that you own, and before you leave Hell, I'll show you mine.

Steve is a very dear friend of mine, which pisses all the creationist off. He was never one of them, but that apparently doesn't stop them from praying for him. Within moments of his death, I personally met him at the Gates of Hell with a cold bottle of Gatorade. He had already grabbed one of our giant 3-headed dogs at the gates, wrestled it to the ground, beat it into submission, and then he hog tied it! I do feel sorry for Terri. I can now better understand why Terri is begging to join him here.

(G) Oooh skulls, I look forward to that. And indeed it is good to know Steve is doing well in the afterlife. Well what ever comes of his exploits in the land way down under, I'm sure many of your minions are just waiting for the familiar "Crikey". Now then, as anyone can see from your MySpace presentation, most of your greeting staff are famous musicians. Will we see other staffing agents of yours in the future whom come from other backgrounds?

(S) Hell already offers a cornucopia of employment opportunities for anyone coming from a myriad of backgrounds, but they lack name recognition. Leo Sawa was once a successful and respected international drug dealer in Lower Manhattan. One day while he was quietly working in his office, he was hit by a Boeing 767. Now Sawa is very successful and respected as Hell's new Police Director.

(G) That actually pulls in my next question Satan. One of the few minions to respond to my bulletin of this interview taking place is very politically minded. So this kind of a double round question. With Hell becoming more and more of a democracy, do you foresee issues arising much like the election problems in 2004?

And Lord Cthulhu demanded that I ask you: "Fellow deific being, Satan. As you're most likely aware, I and the other great old ones are running for the presidency of America in 2008. Do you have any plans politically in the future regarding this nation I will soon dominate?"

(S) Although the United States presidential election of 2004 wasn't the same farce the election of 2000 was, it still shows that most of the American registered voters suffered from some sort of mass delirium, only this time without as much voting and counting mishaps to use as excuses.

First of all, no one is running for the office of Lord of Darkness. Second of all, dumb asses will be prevented in voting in the upcoming elected offices of Hell. Smart asses only! (laughs) I'm the fucking Supreme Ruler, and the Supreme Court of Hell. I'm the check, and I'm the balance! (pounds fist on table)

Lord Cthulhu has his work cut out for him, especially since Satan is backing Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton! I love the notion of Bill Clinton becoming America's first, First Gentleman! The Religious Right pales in comparison to the power of the Evil Left!

(G) Speaking of politics, especially recent business politics. You took a slap to the face and a boot to the tail when Fox Interactive Media which oversees the Internet business operations of the media giant News Corporation, which owns MySpace, decided you were not a good guy. Thankfully for us you returned with a vengeance and have gotten back onto your throne. Question is though, we have not heard much since your return, Are they still breathing down the back of your neck? What's going on?

(S) Of course there's legal issues being dealt with, which mainly just involves materializing with full theatrics in the bedrooms of attorneys, judges, and various MySpace staffers in the middle of the night. It's amazing how far just making a good entrance will get you!

One night, I appeared before Tom, and while he was visibly shaken at first, he soon realized that meeting Satan emerging from a rolling cloud of lightning bolts, wasn't half as scary as his new born-again Christian boss. Tom invited me back several times to his elegant mansion, which includes 91 mirrors, and 75 digital cameras throughout his beautifully appointed estate.

Tom and I reached an agreement while he was counting his money, and his automatically added friends. Everything is fine now with MySpace, with the possible exception of the emos, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, and the Fundamentalist Christians. Tom is a very nice guy, and considering all the dicks at MySpace, he is quite hung. It's no surprise to me that for someone with as many friends as Tom has, that nearly half of all my concubines had already slept with him! But you see who they prefer now! Once you go RED, you wanna be WED! (pulls out his enormous penis) Everyone wants to feel pure evil between their legs! Not all of the screams you hear in Hell, are those of pain! (laughs, and zips his pants back up)

(G) I....did not...need to see that. Anyway before this interview started I put my ear to the ground to listen to the pulse of the underworld. I heard a disturbing rumor that Richie Valens and Buddy Holly are up in arms citing they don't get equal coverage as the newer generations of rockers. Buddy even told me that "We paved the way for new rockers to explore". Word is notables as Sid Vicious, James Dean and even John Lennon are lending thier support to the old school rockers. Word is Lennon stated "It's like that comment about Jesus we made once, one thing wrong and suddenly your a villain". Whats your take on this?

(S) Come on! Buddy Holly and The Crickets?! How evil does that sound? How evil are their lyrics?

"Well, that'll be the day, when you say goodbye. Yes, that'll be the day, when you make me cry. You say you're gonna leave, you know it's a lie. 'Cause that'll be the day when I die."

One word... Emo!

As far as John Lennon, I love him deeply, but he seems lost without that bitch Yoko Ono. If Ono had her way, (if that loony Chapman hadn't have shot him) Lennon would have become an emo band. If only John could "Imagine" there's no Ono, he'd be touring with the Stones today. If he was still alive with Ono, he'd be warming up for Panic! At the Disco.

If Rotten was the voice of punk, then Vicious was the look. The punk character of Sid Vicious was far more helpful than any knack he had for playing. He was never renowned for his playing skills. Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen are both together here in Hell, and only happy because they can do pounds a day of heroin, without the inconvenience of an overdose slowing them down.

I can only imagine what James Dean is doing with some of the old school rockers, Not That There's Anything Wrong with That! I don't go down into those parts of Hell, (mumbles: unless it's a really slow night, or my concubines are with Tom) and I really don't keep up with him that often... (pauses...looks at watch) enough to form any real opinion, other than the fact he's obviously very talented (pauses...clears throat) as a great actor.

The professional career of Ritchie Valens only lasted over a period of eight months. Why in the hell is he up in arms about getting equal coverage? Maybe he should have lived longer! Maybe he should have taken the bus!

(G) Well I thought you should know. Although I did catch a show with Chubby Checker while I was in hell last and unlike Buddy, he seemed to be loving it. Speaking of famous battle axes married to musicians...Just a quick question...Is there a "special" place for Courtney love in hell?

(S) A very special place indeed! She'll be living with the emos, next to Hell's largest junk yard. I'm currently reviewing the CIA and Guantánamo Bay torture programs.

(G) Hummn that actually brings me to my, no Satanocats next question. Courtney just reminded me of the question actually. "The volumptous horror of Satanocat" asks me to ask you, "...what his infatuation with the word cunt is will ya?"

(S) (walks away from table and goes to the bathroom, returning after 15-minutes) Next question please.

(G) Well, allright then. We have seen much of Hell and it's feature stars and attractions, what I don't know...and many of your minions have yet to know, are there any holidays in Hell, like New Years, or Baphomet day?

(S) One thing to remember is that Satanic holiday dates change annually, and differ from cult to cult. I'll list a few of ours. Baphomet appears in many works of horror and fantasy fiction. During the judicial proceedings against the Knights Templar, assertions were made that the knights engaged in pagan idolatry, including one of which that was named Baphomet.

During the suppression of the Knights Templar it was claimed by Royal officials, who used torture during the Inquisition to coerce confessions, that the knights used worship of Baphomet as part of their initiation ceremonies. Other charges of spitting, trampling, defecating and urinating while naked on the cross, institutionalized homosexuality and contempt of the Holy Mass and denial of the sacraments were made. This was used to portray their Order as heretical.

Crowley agreed that Baphomet was a divine androgyne, while also being bisexual as Crowley was himself. Levi's depiction, for all its modern fame, is not particularly authentic to the historical description from the Templar trials. Levi and other writers, such as Albert Pike, were attempting to use the false accusations against the Templars to fabricate from the name Baphomet a veritable Deity of Hedonism and Rebellion against a Christian establishment. Satanic Holidays are based upon the natural cycles, while Crowley made Baphomet based more on himself.

Hell's holidays precede Christianity by hundreds to thousands of years. Because the Christian Church couldn't murder everyone, (mumbles: although they tried) the original holidays were taken and Christianized in attempts to convert as many as possible. Christmas coincides with the Winter Solstice and the Yule season. December 25th is the birthdate of the Persian God Mithra, and the Roman Holiday of Saturnalis.

"Easter" was stolen from Astaroth, originally known as "Ashtar," was a holiday that coincides with the Vernal Equinox of spring, when day and night are of equal length. Known as "Eastre" to the Anglo-Saxons as the Goddess of fertility, and was associated with rabbits and eggs. The Christians stole this holiday and twisted its meaning. In Hell we eat Easter Bunny's and throw eggs at each other. It's a lot of fun!

"All Saint's Day" corresponds with "Halloween/Samhain," and "Assumption Day" coincides with "Lammas Day" of the "Summer Solstice." The Winter Solstice begins on the 21st-22nd of December, but the 23rd is a very special Personal Day for me. The Night of December 22nd, the eve of December 23rd, is the highest Satanic holy night of the year, as dictated by me personally, since I needed a "me" day. It's the day after the longest night of the year, and I'm sure after Goblin has a long night of drinking, he needs a day to recuperate as well. Would you like to have your very own Goblin Day? It could be a time for intense celebration and devotion to you!

The night of December 22nd is usually spent in dedication to me, that is if you didn't already have other plans. It's an excellent time to focus on planning for the year, or just doing your laundry. If one wishes to make personal resolutions, it's a good time to do so, although you shouldn't bother, because you'll probably break them anyway.

Our Yule holidays are times of indulgence and taking pleasure in the physical and material aspects of life. Christians pretty much still do that, they just throw in the name Jesus every once in a while. Christmas trees and wreaths are Pagan in origin, so there's no reason not to celebrate this holiday with your friends, family, girlfriends, or prostitutes. Gift giving, baking, decorating, shopping and spending all of your money is what the TRUE Yule season is all about, and pretty much still is.

(G) Goblin day, has a nice ring to it, a day dedicated to pleasures of chance games and debauchery....hummn.... Anyway, before I lose my thoughts thinking of such things...lets get personal. Satan, everyone knows a little bit of something about you. Your favored choices of facial hair, musical interests, political views, favored driving places...and so on. But what of your hobbies, you must have some freetime from time to time for "Satan-time". What do you do, what kind of movies do you go to see? In essence what relaxes you after a hard days work that we minions see so little of?

(S) I never have idle hands since I own a workshop! I always stay pretty busy, and I have work for any idle hands I may come across in Hell. Although most would consider my work and the work of my minions fun, it's still work just the same. With so much action going on in Hell, I hardly have time for movies, but trust me, the real live action of Hell is much more entertaining than motion pictures.

The screams of emos, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, conservative politicians, and the Fundamentalist Christians are very relaxing to me. It's somewhat of a hobby of mine looking for new and innovative ways to torture our emo kids. Hell's "Office of Emo Research and Torture Development" is internationally recognized for its pioneering work in finding cures for kids with emo, and other catastrophic diseases. Discoveries made here in Hell, will completely change music taste forever!

(G) Again, Satan, Thank you for allowing a second great interview. We have hit some hard topics this time around, and with grace you have given us insight into you and Hell. Now I must wrap this up and travel back to the lands above for my daily routines and let you get back to what you do best. My final question for the interview is this. What can we expect to see in the future as the new year looms on the horizon, from you and in Hell?

(S) More features on the page, including bringing back some old ones from the original page before the MySpace invasion, such as MAILBAG, (the hate mail Hell receives) and MINION OF THE WEEK! The new features will include everything from political commentary, to movie reviews. We will also feature full length music videos, as well as live call-in webcast! Lots of hellacious fun to be had! Also, if any minions have any ideas of something they'd like to see, they can pass it along to me.

I've really enjoyed this interview Goblin, and I'm happy you could come back down. Now let's go look at some skulls, and I'll let you pick the ones you want.

With that, Satan and I headed out for some afternoon treats through Hell. My previous blog if you haven't read it details many of the fun things I enjoyed during my short visit playing "tourist" in Hell.

Thank you for reading, and hopefully I'll get more chances for interviews with Satan, and perhaps others, who knows.

There ya have it folks!


Goblin

Goblin can be found at...
myspace.com/grim_goblin

Satan can be found at...
myspace.com/TheDevilSatan