Satan himself interviewed here!

myspace.com/TheDevilSatan

Thanks for taking time to do an interview Satan, For the sake of realism to be like a real interview and not some goofy survey I'm going to ask just 10 questions then blog your answers for all my friends to read. Of course feel free to swipe it for yourself for your "Satan speaks" Column so your minions can get to know the entity behind the horns :)

(Sound of a recording device clicking on followed by the sound of a smoke being lit up.)

G-RH: Thank you again Satan for letting me take this oppertunity to help reveal you to the masses without certain right-wing fundamentalists adding their own spin. As you know I did an in depth interview with "God" that was less than enlightening.

First question your lordship. You make Hell a vivid landscape filled with abundant attractions and distractions, is there more than just a super fast roller coaster, for instance water skiing on the lake of fire or using fallen halos as basketball hoops?

SATAN: No water skiing at this time on the Lake of Fire, since it would be too dangerous. Safety First! Hell even serves drinks in safety glasses. The only people who live in or near the Lake of Fire are the emo kids, televangelist, Republicans, most fundamentalist Christians, and all Mormons, and Jehovah's Witnesses.

As far as the question for using fallen halos for hoops, no -- but that's an idea! We've just been using hoops. I don't want to get boring like Heaven. Hell offers the best rock concerts! Where else can you go to a Nirvana concert in the morning, and smoke out with the Ramones all night, with not only Elvis making fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches for you, but also bringing them to your table? Hell simply rocks!

G-RH:Wow sounds like quite the place you have built there! You have all sorts of things to see and do in hell, it must have been alot of work. Do you feel the propoganda and typecasting of low budget films reduce the amount of visitors to hell? And if so do you have a plan for getting good press?

SATAN: Hell has been getting bad press since the beginning of time, so I don't blame the propaganda on the motion picture industry or the press. I blame God. He is such a control freak. He can't stand the thought of being shown up, or embarrassed. He can't stand to see someone else do good, and Him not being the reason or inspiration for their success. He's been talking smack about me for too long. He's responsible for Jesus being an alcoholic, as well as all the diseases, plagues, wars, and taxes on the planet. He's vindictive as a motherfucker.

I'll start getting good press the day I take the candy away from that old bastard. My legions of demons and I will make Earth a paradise once again. My minions will once again be happy, under the loving World leadership of Hillary Clinton.

G-RH:Actually that brings me to a burning question, no pun intended, in the "good" book aka the bible (Which is just the old latin word for book.) "The one true God" flaunts that "Thou shalt not worship any god but me." This sounds like a blatant admission to the existance of other divine beings. Perhaps you could shed some light on this subject from your own unique position, do other dieties exist?

SATAN: Well, most certainly other deities exist. I'm for one the Lord of Darkness, and I'm known by many names. The very fact that God wants to belittle my influence and importance, and is obviously powerless to end my reign of control, goes to show he suffers from Napoleonic syndrome. He also takes all the credit for all that he considers good, and blames me for all that is bad. Hell, half the people in Heaven are kept there against their will. They want to go to Hell! What does that tell you?

God has only gotten away with as much shit as he has, simply because I've allowed it. I rule the Earth, but I allow God to damn many, because it makes my job easier by having him help with the screening. Now God and I are the two most powerful dieties, but our power isn't equally shared. If we were countries, I would be the United States, and God would be France. God knows this, which is why many millenia has passed, and he hasn't fucked with me.

G-RH: (stifled laugh) France...thats harsh, even from the lord of darkness. Lets change topics if it's allright, don't want to get you blood boiling as is. Lets talk about Hell some more and the attractions. I'm sure future generations are going to want to go to concerts and venues with things more acclimated to them...

Rumor has it your backing Mr. Manson, and a veritable cornucopia of other shock rockers. So I ask you Satan, any current performers or sports teams caught your eye recently?

SATAN: Screamin' Jay Hawkins was the first shock rocker, and I backed him. After the success of his (I really wrote it) 1956 hit "I Put A Spell On You", he began a stage show where he'd emerge from a coffin, (my idea) sing to a skull (my idea) and set off smoke bombs, (I love smoke) among other gimmicks.

Screaming Lord Sutch came along a few years later, followed by Alice Cooper in the late 1960s and early 1970s. He is one of my most notorious shock rockers. His spectacularly elaborate yet controversial shows were a powerful inspiration for me, and it gave me ideas for many other future artists such as Gene Simmons (KISS) of the mid 1970s, King Diamond of the 80's, and Marilyn Manson of the 1990s.

From the late 1970s to his death in 1993, punk rock performer GG Allin was known for his many "shock rock" concerts, which included taking a shit on stage, eating it, and then throwing it at the audience, performing naked, receiving oral sex from fans, self mutilation, fights with the audience, and supposedly having sex with his brother, Merle Allin. None of his antics were my idea.

I've backed Arthur Brown, the Cramps, the Tubes, Gwar, Lordi, Rob Zombie, White Zombie, Rammstein, DieMonsterDie, Slipknot, W.A.S.P., Lizzy Borden, Spooky DeVille, Peppermint Creeps, The Misfits, Genitorturers, Mayhem, The Mentors, The Plasmatics, Mötley Crüe, Nashville Pussy, Marilyn Manson, Lords of Acid, King Diamond, Twiztid, Blaze Ya Dead Homie, Anybody Killa, KMK, Jack Off Jill, Butthole Surfers, and Hanson.

Hell is best described as Disney World without all the lame cheesy shit, only millions of times larger. There's something for everyone, even the emo kids. They love their chainsaws, and being allowed to anal rape all the Republicans, televangelist, Mormons, and Jehovah's Witnesses.

G-RH: Hanson? MMMBop was really evil. I would like to note that as far as everyone is concerned, your the most eligible bachelor since....well since forever. I know a lot of ladies that would love to get hitched up and be Mrs. Lord of darkness. How is it all this time has passed and theres no Mizz Satan to be heard of?

SATAN: I have the ability to know and influence anyones thoughts, so therefore I can have anyone I want! I have a LOT of mistresses.

G-RH: Spare a succubi? I'm only kidding Satan, but I do agree Hanson is effing-evil. On your MySpace photo gallery you have a photo stating that as a young boy you had alot of issues. Not many know of your younger years, care to fill us in?

SATAN: As a child, I only wanted acceptance. I was a tall, gawky, quiet, studious, bright and just an all-around nice young kid. I grew tired of making people kill themselves when they made fun of me, or sending them to mental institutions. As I grew older, I enjoyed life more and became evil personified. Things only got better when I got the job in Heaven. Everyone loved me for the first time.

G-RH: And...well I think we all know what happened then. We have covered so far about how you feel about the J-man and the Lay-z-god. Do you harbor any hard feelings for the others that were also caught in the power struggle during those times, or is it water under the bridge?

SATAN: I don't hold grudges. Many people think that I'm an opponent of God and of those seeking to do God's will. It's often said that I was cast out of Heaven for rebelling against God, and was condemned to roam the Earth and rule Hell, and that I battle God for possession of souls and the Earth. Since people think these things, it's easy to understand why people think God and I have such a bad relationship. God does His thing, and I do mine. As I mentioned earlier, God helps with the screening of souls, and God "damns" quite a few souls for me. God and I are more of a partnership, than adversaries. Jesus and I still drink wine, break bread and all that shit. God is still a control freak, but our relationship greatly improved once I got my own place. Why would anyone think I was condemned? I got Hell and Earth to rule over. It's my ant farm now! God takes a backseat, and pouts.

G-RH: I see, It's good to finally receive your viewpoint on the matter. Lets delve into MySpace for a moment, What are your thoughts on all the minions flooding the gates of your friends request box?

SATAN: I love all my minions. At this time, over 100 minions a day send in their MINION REQUEST to me, and I approve roughly 90-percent of them. I was skeptical at first from having a MySpace presence, but it's proved to be a good thing. It's kind of an outreach program from Hell. Everyone else seemed to be jumping on the MySpace bandwagon, and I want Hell to stay on the cutting edge. (No pun intended to the plethora of emo kids we have.) MySpace and Hell make a great partnership!

G-RH: Sounds to me like your up to your horns in work and loving it! We have covered a barrage of questions so far...Music, Future plans, Relationships, And more...Id'e like to throw a toughie at you and get your feedback on the subject. Now wev'e all heard prophecies of an "end time" al-la-armageddon. Course all the fundamentalists are siding against you, while more liberal free minded souls are leaning more toward your camp. Through history this "end time" has supposed to have come many times over and over. Will there be some catacalysmic war and do earthbound mortals need to pick sides?

SATAN: The Earth started with a bang, and the "end" will actually be a whimper, of course from the emo kids. No cataclysmic war will happen. Satan already rules over the Earth. God is has no real power, He's merely a figurehead. When I assume total control over Heaven, it'll be like taking candy from a baby. Pick sides? Sure. If you want to be bored for all eternity, go to Heaven. People should take the Bible with a grain of salt. It's full of hundreds of direct contradictions such as:

God is satisfied with his works

Gen 1:31
God is dissatisfied with his works.

Gen 6:6

God is seen and heard

Ex 33:23/ Ex 33:11/ Gen 3:9,10/ Gen 32:30/ Is 6:1/
Ex 24:9-11
God is invisible and cannot be heard

John 1:18/ John 5:37/ Ex 33:20/ 1 Tim 6:16

etc, etc, etc... I'm the truth and the way.

G-RH: Whoa, brutal, concise and incontrovertable!
Well Satan the recorder is almost out of tape, Any final words you wish to add before we wrap up? Perhaps on topic we might have missed or any clairifications you wish to make?

SATAN: I want everyone to come by and check out my MySpace page at myspace.com/TheDevilSatan and send me a MINION REQUEST and be a friend and minion of Satan. Lot's of hellacious fun to be had at our many rock concerts and amusement parks such as 666 Flags over Hell and always lots of good food and fun for the entire family. Come for the fun, stay for the afterlife! Whether it's for eternity, or just a family vacation, Hell remains the Original Hotspot!

G-RH: Thank you again Satan, your interview has been beyond my expectations, in fact this was far superior to my interview with "God". I'm quite sure many will finally get to know the man behind the horns.
(Sound of recording the recorder turning off)

Well There you have it folks, I Goblin (Currently dressed as Jesus somehow) have just concluded my Interview with the Lord of Darkness himself! I hope my interview brings further enlightenment and deep ruminations.

Visit Satan's Hell, and see for yourself it's breathtaking and splendorous sights to behold.

Stay Evil,