Bad Advice for Good People (a column by Patrick Freyne)

Kildare is a local county for local people.

I was interested to hear that we are keeping outsiders at bay. People are finally been denied planning permission for not being local enough. Good thing too. We need to get much stricter on such things.  

The Freynes have been in Kildare for millennia. Since the Neolithic era Freynes have roamed and grazed on the Curragh planes, stalked the Hill of Allen and generally pranced around the fields of this green and pleasant county killing rabbits. Weve paid our dues. As a young man my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather Murt Freyne fought the English and kept Kildare a Celtic haven in an otherwise colonized country. Without Murt wed all be wearing union jack tee-shirts and would look like the Mitchell Brothers. Then on Easter 1916 Ernie Freyne didnt rush off to Dublin. Oh no, he had a killing spree of his own in the local environs of the Dunnes Stores Shopping Centre. Thats how much he cared about Kildare. So what if most of the people he killed were nuns? They were in uniform and Ernie was easily confused.

One thing us patriotic locals fear is change. New people bring new ideas. As anyone who has lived in the Utopic surroundings of the Kildare building site will tell you: We do not need new ideas. Everythings fine. Go back to Dublin.

The only thing that this county needs is shed-loads of developments. The quicker the application process the better. So quality and safety checks are totally unnecessary. The construction industry has a very good history of regulating itself. Sometimes builders do fantastically imaginative things with wiring and insulation. If Im right, soon Kildare will be a space-age wonderland filled with wonderful grey buildings, shopping centres, carparks, and apartment-complexes.

We must have more respect for our overlords in the construction industry. And we should have absolutely no time for ne-er do-wells from other places who want to make a home for themselves at a reasonable price. If we need new people well build robots.

And so what if we are in thrall to a few individual construction moguls? This will just bring us closer to our Celtic roots when a local warlord would look after the welfare of the people. And so what if they enrich himself in the process? Sure dont they deserve it for their sterling work protecting us from Islam?  

Now, I know my ideas are unfashionable. I know its not very politically correct to dislike outsiders, to assume women are drunk all the time and that dwarfs have magical powers. But these are the things I believe and I do not apologise for them. If we were welcoming to outsiders things wouldnt be half as perfect as they are now.