While I'm at it here's another one. This was after the riots.

Bad Advice for Good People (a column by Patrick Freyne)

This week Patrick bemoans the fact that he has never seen a republican riot, praises the dumping possibilities provided by the Grand Canal, and beseeches automobile-manufacturers to put drinks-cabinets in cars.

Let's have a trans-Kildare republican riot!

I'm bored. I'm stuck in traffic a lot. We don't even have a cinema around here. Much of Kildare is a building site. I think we could do with a republican riot. Dublin gets everything first: electricity, multiplex cinemas, mochaccinos  Now they get the first Orange march, and attendant republican thugs. It's not fair! I want republican thugs! 

Can you believe I'm 30 years-old and I have never seen a burning car? In my whole life I have never thrown a brick at the British security forces, or beaten up a young protestant for being in the wrong part of town. We must put such things to rights! Our children have never known the cold touch of sectarian bigotry and it is a crying shame. Why only the other day a child looked at me with innocent blue eyes and a quivering lip and said: "Daddy are you an orange-proddy-bastard?"

I was taken aback. Firstly: I am childless. Secondly: the thought that this child would never know the joy of hating its own countrymen brought tears of sectarian rage to my striking, dark eyes. 

Sure, we have Foreign Nationals and I have my share of irrational prejudice against them. But it's just not the same.

Perhaps once a year half the country could dress up for a day in bowler hats and sashes and the other half could throw petrol bombs at them? We could start by getting the local Gardai to display preferential treatment to the 'Protestants', and shopkeepers could give them all the good jobs.

Then the rest of us could start indiscriminately blowing them up.

Why should Dublin get to do everything first?

Let's put things in the Grand Canal!

Recently Councillor Paddy Behan from Naas on seeing a full-size fridge-feezer floating on a canal near Tandy's bridge said that it highlighted "a disgraceful new low" in dumping. This mirrors a lot of modern day airy-fairy eco-thinking about how to dispose of waste.

Tosh and piffle I say! What use are our canals now? Once they were the arteries of Ireland bringing turf, potatoes, video-games and peasants around the country for the amusement of our British overlords. Now however they are big useless ditches, best suited to storing used furniture and kitchen appliances.

In fact when Lord Chesty Mountbatten first opened the grand canal in 1779 he said: "This is a great day for Ireland. These majestic waterways will serve to deliver goods and services all over the state. And perhaps when we are finished with them we can throw fridges and shopping trolleys into them!"

So it was always part of the builder's intention that we throw things into the canals, from the very start. Thus far this week I have disposed of an old suite of furniture, a cooker, some building materials and a couple of sheep carcasses (Jesus, do they ever look where they're going!). These waterways are a boon. God bless the builders of the Grand Canal!

Let's put drinks cabinets in our cars!

Throwing rubbish into the Grand Canal is thirsty work. Often as I drive back to my happening-bachelor-pad I find myself craving a cool crisp Budweiser. It was then that it struck me: Cars are often equipped with drinks holders, and cigarette lighters, but nothing seems to cater for the modern dipsomaniac on the move. As I have few friends I see little reason to have a passenger seat. Perhaps a nice mahogany drinks-cabinet should be provided in this space for those friendless people with a so-called "alcohol-problem".

Maybe my readers who work for car-companies might oblige? I won't charge a fee for this idea!

This is my best advice yet.