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Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
HUTCHBACK
You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”
HUTCHBACK
I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..
HUTCHBACK
Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
What is the..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.
DR. NOSTRUM
What will this tool be used for?
HUTCHBACK
I just want a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.
HUTCHBACK
And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.
HUTCHBACK
No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?
HUTCHBACK
No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.
HUTCHBACK
In the great words of Freddie Mercury.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what he said?
HUTCHBACK
(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!
DR. NOSTRUM
D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.
HUTCHBACK
I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
...It’s a crazy idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...
HUTCHBACK
Really
DR. NOSTRUM
...under a sheet, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.
HUTCHBACK
Yep
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s all in the display.
HUTCHBACK
(musing) Mongering.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...
HUTCHBACK
Well no, but the.. the...
DR. NOSTRUM
They’re grocers.
HUTCHBACK
But then what does a Warmonger do?
DR. NOSTRUM
He lays all the wars out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.
HUTCHBACK
And then you buy it by the pound.
DR. NOSTRUM
“How much is your 1914-18?”
HUTCHBACK
“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”
9:35 PM
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