The Comedy Squad flew out of LAX on July 1, 2008 - Debbie Lockhart, Chris Z., and myself. Our first stop was Moscow, for a 6-hour lay-over. We never left the terminal. Going to a country's airport, without stepping foot outside, is much like going to a strip club: you're so close, you can see it, you can smell it, you can almost touch it, but you leave empty handed. I passed-over the $14.00 cellophane-wrapped sandwich, and the $19.00 chicken salad, and instead gorged on the Rice Krispies Treats that my girlfriend had made and packed in my carry-on. According to the contract, Armed Forces Entertainment would not reimburse for any food purchased off of a military base. Upon agreeing to the contract, we had neglected to note that we would have day-long layovers at expensive airports. Later on our trip, we spent a day in Istanbul, where a Burger King combo-meal was $20.00. Luckily, a few Rice Krispies Treats remained. Again, we didn't leave the airport. Neither did we leave the airport in Germany.
Afghanistan was cancelled. However, it wasn't for the reason I had originally thought. It wasn't to keep us safe. We weren't allowed in due to a "red flag." This meant that the background checks, a standard part of the military tour screening process, revealed some unsavory details about one of the comedians. Perhaps my 15-year-old marijuana arrest kept us out of harm's way.
Our first gig was at Manas Air Base - Kyrgyzstan, part of the former Soviet Union, seated below Borat's Kazakhstan. They rigged an outdoor stage, complete with green netting, prompting Chris to open his act with, "I'd like to thank the set designers from MASH." I was completely thrown-off by the whole set up. I've never performed outside. Inside, the laughs bounce off the walls and return to you. Outside, the laughs just travel out to the universe. To top it off, there were a few big level comics in the crowd: Dave Atell, Nick DiPaolo, Artie Lang, and Howard Stern's own Gary Del Abate. They too were doing a tour of the Middle-East. They stayed at the base because their flight was cancelled, due to an airport union strike in Germany. Add to this the fact that I was a little rusty, after not having been on stage in a week or so. I choked, got lost, distracted, and flustered. Throw in a few stutters and stammers, and you get the picture. Overall, the show itself was good and fun. It's just that, for me, it was a bad way to start the tour. Dave Atell and the guys came up afterwards and said, "Good job." I knew they were lying, but I was appreciative none-the-less. The second show in Kyrgyzstan was much better. It was indoors, in the rec-room/bingo-bar. There were no birds, no laughter vanishing into the sky, and no Gary Del Abate. Redemption! I became a comic once again. One of the pilots even gave me a flight-suit. Later, at another base, I had RODRIGUEZ made into a Velcro-adhered chest patch. I'll wait until the weather cools to wear the jumpsuit. I don't know how they wear those things in 100+ temperatures.
From Kyrgyzstan we flew to Qatar, a rather conservative Muslim country. It was the strangest thing to see - a marketplace, filled with burkas, and men with the full-on sheikh garb. I thought that at any second a director would yell, "Cut! Extras, return your costumes to wardrobe!" However, in this marketplace, with Debbie wearing jeans, we were the ones standing-out. My video camera didn't help. We were told to not take any video of women wearing burkas, and I didn't…from close-range.
Our first show at Al Udeid Air Base - Qatar, was a success. There were about 400 people in the audience and we all let loose. There were a few complications, however. We were asked, by the powers-that-be, to "tone-down the raunchiness." Therefore, the second show was a little more tame, with an air of disappoint in the crowd. They had heard, regarding the first show, that this was a raunchy performance. However, due to about four complaints, of four-hundred, we did as we were told. And, make no mistakes, the military crowd loves dirty. The more talk of sex, and masturbation, the better. Debbie's jokes about "fingering triggers" and "unloading bullets" killed. But, by this point, we felt theatrically stifled. We figured this is the way the Generals and Colonels of all the bases would be. However, when we made our way to the next base, an Army base, also in Qatar, we specifically asked, "Are there any restrictions on content?" We were given the green light to say and do as we please. We all breathed a sigh of relief, as much as we were able to breathe anyway. Our guts were so full from the all-you-can-eat mess halls that awaited us at each base. I mean literally, all-you-can-eat, all-day, and all-night. I'm sure I gained weight on this tour. In addition to the plentiful eats, each base welcomed us with tours of every department, including aircraft hangars. We were also given private-meeting-room sit-and-chats with the top guys. It couldn't have been written any better in a Coen Brother's movie - a stuffy meeting room, pleasant, but conservative top brass military personnel, and three comedians asking the most inappropriate questions, and interjecting with the cleverest of comments (if I do say so myself). We wished they had allowed a camera in those briefing rooms. It would have been something to show the grand-kids.
These bases also have great rec-rooms. After three weeks on this tour, not only am I a stronger comic, but my pool and ping-pong skills are quite impressive. There was also no shortage of karaoke, and most comics love karaoke.
The living quarters left a lot to be desired. They refer to them as dorms, but I referred to them as Public Storage units. It's about a 6x15 room, with no windows, with common restroom and shower facilities. Thank G-d the units were air-conditioned. In hindsight, they weren't terribly uncomfortable, especially since we spent little time there. During the day we shopped, swam in the pool, used their computers, and of course, ate.
We had two shows at As Sayliyah Army Base - great crowds. We also received awards from the General, and signed the official visitor ledger. I think we signed our names near some president or ambassador. Who knows? It was all so surreal.
From Qatar we flew to UAE - United Arab Emirates, Dubai. We were greeted at the airport by a fun-loving Pakistani, named Fareed. He toured us around Dubai before checking us into our hotel. (At every destination, we were met by a Morale Welfare Recreation (MWR) representative, who's job it is to take us to and from the airport, lead us on the tour of the base, and generally to oversee our safety and pleasure. They were much appreciated.) At these particular shows, in UAE, we didn't stay on a military installation. Instead, we had to stay at two different 4-star hotels. What a shame! I thought I felt broke in Los Angeles, until I visited Dubai. I'm glad to know the Arabs are using my $5.00 per gallon wisely. We visited a mall with an indoor ski slope.
Our first show in UAE was at a hotel. This time it was the Navy in attendance; what a great bunch. They were wild, they periodically heckled (which never bothers me), and fun was had by all. After our show, the next performers were a Pilipino-girl-cover-group, followed by a Russian burlesque troop. I had arrived. I was officially in entertainer's Twilight Zone.
The next day, before Fareed drove us to an air base at an "undisclosed location," we were taken to a market where we bought camel milk - salty, but tasty.
At this air base we were welcomed with a huge crowd and big laughs. My favorite part was watching Chris talk about smoking grass right in front of the base commanders. Classic! The humidity was amazing. Audience included, we were completely drenched with sweat. It was the most physically uncomfortable I've ever been on stage. Before our complaining got the best of us, while taking our final bows, a Colonel presented us with a beautiful framed picture of The Comedy Squad, standing in front of a jet airplane. We were also given military challenge coins, which I now keep in my car for safe travels.
From UAE, we went to Bahrain, an island off of the coast of Saudi Arabia. (A show in Djibouti, a small country in Africa, was cancelled, due to transportation issues. That was a let-down, because someone told us about a leaf, that is chewed-on by the locals of Djibouti, that delivers cocaine-like energy, with LSD-like hallucinations. I would have been quick to locate such a leaf, so that I might recognize it, and avoid this terrible plant.)
Our first show in Bahrain…well, we didn't have a show. The crowd was so unruly and boisterous, that Chris couldn't even get through his jokes. Debbie got on stage for about two minutes. I grabbed a second mic and Chris and I just turned it into a dirty joke contest amongst the sailors, awarding the winner with a $7.00 meal voucher. Our liaison asked us, "Was that your act?" Yeah, sure. We go all over the world, have a dirty joke contest, and give away meal vouchers. That's what we do.
The Naval base in Bahrain is what would best be described as a permanent base, meaning unlike the previous bases, which had tents and other temporary fixtures; this base was solid, with brick-and-mortar structures. It looked very much like a university. But luxury has its price. There was no free food on this base. And, although the prices are quite low, there was no all-you-can-eat, all-day, and all-night. Needless to say, I probably lost a few pounds at this base. I happen to like free food.
Our second show at this base was somewhat disappointing. If you could imagine a frat-house, complete with TV screens, pool tables, and endless alcohol, then you can imagine the level of attention that we commanded as we just jumped on stage and said, "You guys ready for the comedy show?" "Yeah," they said. But they were liars. Debbie didn't even get out two jokes when a girl actually walked on stage and asked Debbie to take a picture of her and her friends. Before long, Debbie had about 5 cameras passed to her. By the time I got up I felt more like a detention-teacher than a comic, "C'mon guys, listen to this joke." I had fun, as I usually do, but this was kind of pathetic. I don't know who thought these people at that base, at that time, needed comedy. They looked like they were doing just fine.
Our big finish came the next day, when we went to the dock and boarded the USS Peleliu, a carrier ship. This was to be our last show, and I was very excited to perform out at sea! I'd never been on ship, so I took Dramamine with me, but I didn't need it. The water was so smooth; I barely felt the ship move at all. We were given an extensive tour, complete with USS Peleliu hats, with THE COMEDY SQUAD stitched on the back. I asked if we could keep the inscribed robe and towel. They begrudgingly said, "Yes." They even let me steer the ship! Okay, I think it was docked at the time, but I steered it!
The ship's doctor was a wanna-be comic, so we let him do about 7-minutes up front. We helped him to achieve a lifelong dream. He did a fine job. However, I was quick to tell him that there is no room for doctors in comedy, and that he should stick to medicine. Leave the comedy to the drop-outs who need the work!
The show was set-up in a giant room, usually used for who-knows-what. My first line was, "It's so exciting to perform in the same room that they used to bring King-Kong back from the island." It was a smooth ride from there. I must admit, I don't remember a lot of that performance; I was way too jazzed-up. There I was, on a huge stage, in front of an enormous American flag, on a Navy ship, with the Captain standing a few feet away, sailing down the Arabian Gulf. I'm still trying to absorb it all. What a fantastic way to complete the tour.
The next day, after dining on steak and king crab legs, we were taken back to Bahrain by helicopter.
The trip was hot, exhausting, physically taxing, and the long flights can be quite brutal. The pay is, well… let's just say I lost money. But, when those military people came up after the show, shook my hand, and said, "Thank you for coming," honestly, that made it all worthwhile.
(Insert patriotic music here.)