WANTED TO SHARE SOME FUNNIES TO HELP YOU START YOUR WEEK WITH A SMILE. HAVE A GREAT WEEK ALL!!
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...Today, it's called golf
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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where Iwas going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust,
and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife looklike?" <
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
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When I got home last night,
my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.
So I took her to a gas station
Florida Drinking Rule
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it, throws her glass in to the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
God Bless America
WOMEN ARE CRAZY!
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently... Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story : Women are crazy!!!!
Eight Words with Two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . .... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
=============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...
"You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mpr.