im sorry. im sorry for everything ive done to make you not trust me. im sorry for all the things i could have done but didnt. im sorry for not treating you how you should be treated. im sorry for all the time youve spent worrying about me. im sorry for neglecting you. everything ive done to hurt you a little more. im broken and...i cant do it anymore. i simply cannot take not living up to what i should and could be...all the things i could have done for each of you. i cant stand this feeling. im so so sorry. im sorry for...everything ive been doing. and everything ive done. for everything im not and everything i am.
   did you know that i pray for my friends? i pray really hard and often. especially for the ones closest to me. id give my life to fix things. thats not an exaggeration. i have life so good. i always complain about everything. i have no god damned right. things could be so much worse. i want to be the friend that people come to when they need fixing. i want to be the friend who makes everything better. because...i love you that much. the friend who you cant wait to be around because their lust for life is contagious. im interested in what youre interested in. i am. and i want to learn more. i want god back. i dont want to be so stubburn. i want you to win in every fight we ever have. from here on out. but mainly... im going to take you seriously when you tell me somethings wrong now. tell me anything. ill take your word for it. trust me with your life, i wont betray that. ill help you fix things. never again will i wish something bad on any of you. i want to live everyday like its our last together. things are so good. people are so good. ive hurt a lot of people... almost everyone i know and certainly everyone close to me... im going to be a better person. i HAVE to be a better person. i cant go on any other way. never. i cant even breath tonight. because everything ive ever done bad to the people i love is crashing down on me. i feel...a guilt that...i cant even begin to explain how much it hurts. im sorry mommy. im sorry papa. please dont worry. and im sorry for you. i need  hope. and itll come. hope that everything will get better. and itll get better. but man, ive fucked up a lot of things. this is not dispair...but rather the beginning of hope. you always have to go backwards to go forwards. i dont know if im making any sense. i dont see how i could be making sense. i dont even know what im talking about, personally.
 
i guess all im trying to say is:
im sorry.
i love you.
i miss you.
and im here for you.
always.
all of you.
and im going to be better.