It was 72 degrees inside and I was in my parents basement hitting level 80 on WoW. My ass was farting and girls within a 10 mile radius did not know that I exist. Once I was done with my daily 32 hour fapping I looked at my ten year old nokia and saw there where no messages, so I fapped to a shopped picture of summer glau in a slave leia costume.. She is really damn hot and looks like a supermodel. I was hungry and Mom was out of pizza rolls SO I got into my 1984 Yugo and reved it up to 50 RPM (this is an yugoslave import with a blown fuel pump). I got onto the freeway near my house and threw it into 2nd gear, I hit about 25 mph and I could hear the engine backfire as I broke the muffler. As I was flooring it on the freeway like a badass, people where flipping me off for going so slow. So be it.

I came to a rolling stop after hitting a garbage can from 25 mph in front of the over 9000-11. These Yugos have don't stop that well, you know. So I get out of the car and everyone starts eyeballing my gut because I'm so fat. I could tell everyone was staring at it because several people vomited in thier mouths. Booya.

Flash forward 10 minutes later. My 30 inch hotdog is covered in chilli and nacho cheese, hitting them walls. I’m holding the whole dOg up with two hands as I’m sucking on my slurpee and I have 30,000 heart attacks. Clerks looks me in the eyes and she says “Fuck not again, I'm not even supposed to be here to day.” Artery plague just kicked in, yo. I crap my pants so hard I really stink up the place. There had to have been about two pints of cheese sauce everywhere. People say I died like a lonely fat ass, I wouldn’t disagree with them.
 

It was cold as fuck and my dick was harder than tits from the freezing wind. It was then that I realized sex was the only option, but it had to be in my gold-plated Ford Explorer.....yeah, that's right the ENTIRE vehicle is gold plated. Not just the rims. After watching my hair look really sexy waving in the wind for about 30 minutes in my gold-plated mirror, I noticed a woman at the beach who had noticed this GIANT bulge in my pants, and my lovely locks of sexuality. Why was she at the beach on such a gloomy day? Well, she needed some warming up via my hard "mitten" and it took no time for her to start playing with my "snow shovel".

Everything really warmed up when I took my shirt off and showed her my rad psoriasis. She picked it off like a fuckin' vulture and said "take me, skin man" and we did the deed on the sand, which is when I got some in my dickhole. I screamed "wait a minute bitch there is sand in my dickhole!" and she said "don't be a faggot....fuck me like a retard!" I did. After that we washed off our AIDS and genital warts in the sand and it hurt even worse. Then we decided to go to 7-11 and get a giant Slurpee and throw it at homeless people in skid row. Too bad it melted by the time we got there. So we just beat them up and took a shit on their cardboard boxes. Then we had sex with them. Actually she did...they were all men. She gang-banged all 20 of these crazy homeless dudes. It was then and there that I knew she was the one for me.

We got married in Vegas with rings made out of bacon and cheese, and then did the deed once again on the altar, which had sand on it too...for some reason. Again there were some shouted expletives in the aftermath of extreme pain, including "ASS", "TITS", "FUCKING DICK HURTx1000" and "BITCH...I LOVE YOU" and some-such nonsense. Later on we fucked very nice in my For Explorer again and she had a heart attack and died because my 40" beam went too far in. My hair and extremely chiseled chest was not harmed, so it all turned out well. After that I went to the local coffee shop, acted intellectual, and had sex with retarded mormons into DnD and WoW. They got what was coming to them. Another sexxxy day in Cali, bro.

 

It was a tasty sweaty hot summers day and I was feeding my cat Chon Chon 30 pounds of his required regimented infant flesh diet. I took a CKY shower and every gay man within a 3000 mile radius, anus' began to quiver in intensification. Once I was done with my daily posing sexy in the mirror looking at my dick and asshole ritual, I decided to send out a massive picture text message to all my sexys of my new DKNY sunglass' I found at the swopmeat last Sunday after church. Of course everybody sent me a texy back saying how hot I am (duh!) Then I get a call from a cute sexy named Rico. Or as I like to call him, "Poppy Suave". He told me I was sexy as fuck and he wanted to fucking fuck the fuck out of me cuz I'm the best.

I told him to come over to me cuz its about me and I don't ever go anywhere unless its to the club. He said he didn't have a ride cuz his sister Lupe was at work, but he ended up over here anyway. Later on when he was smelling my balls, his Dollar Ride bus ticket fell out of his pocket and I knew how he got here. I came in his ass 3 million times and afterwords he said that my cum smelled like burritos.

Afterwords I drew two self portrits of my dick. I gave one to Rico and sent him on his mary way home. I hung the other picture of my dick on the wall with all the other ones. I think this picture was the best one I drew yet, cuz of the shading and perspective. Those online art corses really payed off you know?




 

Everyone's stories sound so exciting. I merely sat around with Richard Dreyfuss, day after day, sculpting mountains out of our feces. I know it sounds crazy, but ever since 1977 I've been seeing this shape. This means something. This is important.
 

Well it was a hot day (what the hell did you think? a cold winter day?) i was masturbating to a brutal scatporn movie man it was great. suddenly i heard a scream and i went to see what the hell it was and i was thinking, man this better be something important, cause NOBODY, NOBODY can disturb me when i watch my movies. and it was a old lade, i think she was 80 eyars old, i got very excited and horny (though she was both dead and old) cause i used to be a gerontophile, so i took her corpse and spitted a little in her dry vagina and  i penetrated it with my 46,3 inch dick and it was like fucking sandpaper!! imagine how dry it was!, however after i fucked her i pissed on her, shot a load of cum on her eye (bukakke, never wrong!!) and then i threw that old whore into the garbage, man she was a slut!

 

it was 76 degrees outside, i just finished watching a "friends" marathon, i had a headache because my eyes are sensitive and when i watch tv too long that usually happens. the phone rang so i checked the caller i.d. to make sure it wasnt my uncle. it was my mom so i picked up the phone, she was out shopping and she forgot if i wanted regular cheerios or honey nut cheerios, i told her i wanted regular cheerios then i called her a bitch because its like she doesnt even know me, when the fuck in my life have i ever once said i liked honey nut cheerios? EVERY time i get cheerios its ALWAYS regular cheerios. its like she just doesnt care about me at all, i fucking HATE her and i wish she was dead. 
 

 

i woke up with odd burn on my knee, and my leg was numb. i woke and didn't think too much about, i was more concerned with downing the bottle of cough syrup to rid me of my hangover. i had pissed the bed, that wasn't new. i saw the ac adapter to my laptop was under me. as the cough syrup took effect i realized my hurt knee was an electrical burn from pissing near the adapter. it didn't even wake me up. at least i had planned a head, to have something to take edge off the day.

 

the nipples got hard and one of us ran over and licked them but it wasnt me i was caught in a psychedelic whirlwind. It was Bigman, i can see that now because of his megasized rectum nude bobbled in the wavy spectrums of my vision. I, naked, feeling a guzzle of energy, managed to peel back sweat off the leather couch and it felt like velcro to my ape woods. I buzzed around the room looking for crappy as Bigman mounts the girl in a dog frenzy. His tongue is about the size of a beach towel and he licks her face as he reaches for the stereo to turn on his favorite fucking music which for some reason is Rammstein. This freaks me out a bit and i fall into a corner to watch Bigman's massive humping torso. The lights begin to shake and pictures of Grandma fall off the wall. I stay unmoved for a couple hours as Bigman tags every hole. I am eventually able to reach the bottle of whisky, but as i do, Crappy bursts outta the bathroom in a Blonde Jesus costume? I throw the whiskey and it shatters near Crapps feet. He ignores this and drinks from his candle holder chalice, then slams it against the wall spreading more glass. I'm to my feet now and i ask Crappy for some cocaine. He says he fed it all to the dog and now i see that puppy in the kitchen running along the counter tops eating from all the old egg frying pans. I loose it for a second and pull out all the cabinet drawers and spread the floor with knives and forks. I'm interrupted with Bigman screaming in the next room. I go in and see him in the middle of a slap fit with Crappy and that poor girl. He's fire red and pissed and wet. He leeps from spot to spot like a territorial sumo wrestler and barks at crappy through his wet red beard. Crappy races around him and the girl just lays there seemingly loosing interest. I go back and grab the dog by his neck and then angerly throw the pup at the two dueling demons. This confuses them for a second only, the dog lands in a pile of crumbled up cum tissues somewhere behind the couch. The girl feeling a kinship with the dog now stares at me with chainsaw eyes. She wiggles in an anebriated piss. I look down and notice that im pissing all over the floor. I rush Bigman and tackle him as Crappy removes his yellow wig. Having no real advantage, im forced to tame Bigman with an atomic titty twisting. He roars and rips up the carpet with insane aggressive agitation. Finally, minutes of struggling haults and everything is quiet except for the sounds of Till Lindemann singing in German. The search for my clothes leads me to the bathroom when i find them in the tub soaking wet and smelling like piss. I put them on and climb out the window into the daylight, running four yards away into the neighbors private pool. As soon as i light a joint, Bigman comes thundering out of nowhere like a deranged bull with Crappy not far behind him. He's weilding a torch made out of a golfclub and one of my t-shirts. Behind Crappy comes the dog on a leash pulling the girl only topless now who curses me from our yard. Bigman runs to the neighbors car which is a toyota Corolla and lifts the hood, throwing the flaming t-shirt inside. This is not good i thought, after all he was kind enough to let me swin in his pool. And i lept up and rushed to vechile with a bucketfull of water, but as i do the dog bites my ass and i spill everywhere. Crappy slaps the girl and she drops the dog and begins to remove her pants again. Next i see Crappy fucking the girl in the midst of the corolla explosion that would rain enough debris to collect for days. Then the neighbors are outside yelling as Bigman calls the fire department from his car back at our place. I just sit there and try not to cry. Then, as everything became settled, i walked down the street to get a burrito.
 

It was hotter than a self combusting hooker on the sun; even though ot had been raining nonstop for 2 years.The wine opener I was using to ream the maid with was coroded & bent.Damn I yelled time for a new wine opener.I hopped aboard AF1 & flew to K-Mart while travelling back through time.I arrived just as Nixon was being elected Pres & yelled Damn I need some vasoline for the fucking thats coming.They kicked me out of K-Mart for being a comunist & smelling funny.I jumped onto a Titan 3 & rocketed back to China.There aint no Pabst in the land of China so I boarded the Millinium Falcon & boated across the ocean blue back home . Before getting to the states we ran down a boatload of Cubans.Man there was Cubans everywhere!!!I finally sat down to a meal of Bald Eagle & Mississip Mud Slider.After quaffing down a couple o quarts of ambigris I went into the gym & wiped my penis on everything.I never had a workout as intense as that. It took at least a day & a half the first time I rubbed on everthing.7 weeks later I emerged a changed man; i now glowed in the dark along with smelly funny.The maid was mad as hell cause I forgot to get a wine opener so I could ream her ass out proper.
 


 

These are great!!!!


 

i don't understand

 

when it is hot I drink pints of rum and coke......................>;0)