I've been in New York for quite a few months now and it somehow seems like only a few weeks. The people I've met and things I've experienced here have so greatly outweighed whatever struggle it took to get up here. It's strange, though, how transient and shortlived some of the people I've met and friendships I've developed have been (or how brief our encounters). I attribute it both to losing myself a bit up here, that is, thinking irrationally, the the excuse that I'm young, the reasoning of 'my actions cannot affect me negatively insomuch as give me a new experience' - and also to the fact that so many people here are absorbed in their own musings and/or resigned to living a fastpaced/decadent lifestyle without giving slight consideration to the feelings of others. I admit, I've been just as cruel, just as tempted by the visceral and sensory impulses of a child. Often I feel so disconnected from myself when I think about how I've been acting and how many people I may have hurt (or been hurt by). It would be an effortless equation, wouldn't it, to dismiss these selfish actions as attribute to the defense against said 'hurt' BUT for whatever actions committed against the favor of someone I care for (on any level), I feel I'm set back two steps against my self. It's not as easy as all of that. Sometimes I don't really know who I am or what I'm doing here anymore. In any case, it's very easy to write down all this bullshit and expect people to believe you're sorry for whatever you've done to them or that you're changed and a really considerate and honest person BUT it's not the reason I'm writing it which it important so much as the reason I'm thinking it. I'm thinking it because I DON'T want to be that way. If I'm your friend, I'm going to be your friend, affronts of mine and yours aside.

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