How come healthy, fibre-rich food made muzza "backed up" and filthy eagleboys pizza turned him into "mr. whippy"? has he some bizarre metabolism which relies on rubbery cheese and dodgy ham? do you realise an anagram of 'pitching woo' is 'witch pooing'? Is all this somehow related?
 

Thanks for your question Mark.

The notion that Muz was backed up by "healthy, fibre rich food" is nothing short of a dirty stinking lie. The cause of the problem was in fact too many free pies at a work lunch function.

That filthy eagleboys pizza seemed to provide relief does raise some intruiging questions about the nature of his metabolism and human morality, as it would seem that two wrongs did indeed make a right. In order to stop this calamitous slide into culinary depravity, Muz has been sent away for a course of treatment at the exclusive Keith Institute. They have previously helped such gastronomically challenged musicians as Alex Lloyd, Robert Smith, Frank Black and Tenacious D.

With regards to "witch pooing", there is no particular connection. Many words can be rearranged in seemingly meaningful ways. For example: "Jeremy Irons" can be rearranged into "Jeremys Iron". Does he have an iron? Who knows, maybe several if he's into golf but the point is we CAN'T BE SURE.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Dear Woo Oracle,

There are a few questions which have been troubling my fragile little mind of late. Do you have any anwsers or advice for a poor little degenerate?

- What do people in China call their good plates?

- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

- Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
 

Dear Glenn,

To answer your questions point by point:

1. What do people in China call their good plates?

I believe people in China generally prefer bowls. As far as the material itself is concerned, "Porcelain" is an acceptable substitute, although in the context of Chinese ceramics the term porcelain lacks a universally accepted definition. This in turn has led to confusion about when the first Chinese porcelain was made. Claims have been made for the late Eastern Han period (100 to 200 AD), the Three Kingdoms period (220 to 280 AD), the Six Dynasties period (220 to 589 AD), and the Tang Dynasty (618 to 906 AD). Some experts are currently of the view that the first true porcelain was made in the Chinese province of Zhejiang during the Eastern Han period. Chinese experts emphasise the presence of a significant proportion of porcelain-building minerals (china clay, porcelain stone or a combination of both) as an important factor in defining porcelain and shards recovered from Eastern Han kiln sites in Zhejiang, estimated to have been fired at a temperature of between 1260 to 1300 degrees Celsius, were found that met this condition (He Li 1996). However, so-called porcelaneous wares or proto-porcelain wares made using at least some kaolin and fired at high temperatures are known that date to well before the year 1000 BC. Unfortunately, the line that divides porcelaneous wares and proto-porcelain wares from true porcelain wares is not a clear one.

One of the first mentions of porcelain by a foreigner was made by an Arabian traveller in the eighth or ninth century (during the Tang Dynasty) who recorded that "They have in China a very fine clay with which they make vases which are as transparent as glass; water is seen through them. The vases are made of clay" (Bushell 1906). The Arabs were well acquainted with glass and there can be little doubt that the author of these words knew that the vases were not made of that material.

During the Sui and Tang periods (581 to 906) a wide range of ceramics, low-fired and high-fired, were produced. These included the well-known Tang lead-glazed sancai (three-colour) wares, the high-firing, lime-glazed Yue celadon wares and low-fired wares from Changsha. In northern China, high-fired, translucent porcelains were made at kilns in the provinces of Henan and Hebei.

So as you can see, when the Chinese refer to their "good plates", there are acutally a myriad of possibilities.



2. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

The adjective "quizzical" is seldom applied to quizzes. However, it probably does describe the expression on my face right now. If these questions get any sillier, the expression on my face may well move on to "testy"...



3. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

Guess what expression I am wearing right now...

There are actually several types of hemorrhoids:

- External hemorrhoids are those that occur outside of the anus. They are sometimes painful, and can be accompanied by swelling and irritation. Itching, although often thought to be a symptom from external hemorrhoids, is more commonly due to skin irritation. If the vein ruptures and a blood clot develops, the hemorrhoid becomes a thrombosed hemorrhoid.

- Internal hemorrhoids are those that occur inside the rectum. As this area lacks pain receptors, internal hemorrhoids are usually not painful and most people are not aware that they have them. Internal hemorrhoids, however, may bleed when irritated. Untreated internal hemorrhoids can lead to two severe forms of hemorrhoids: prolapsed and strangulated hemorrhoids.

- Prolapsed hemorrhoids are internal hemorrhoids that are so distended that they are pushed outside of the anus. If the anal sphincter muscle goes into spasm and traps a prolapsed hemorrhoid outside of the anal opening, the supply of blood is cut off, and the hemorrhoid becomes a strangulated hemorrhoid.

Meanwhile, Asteroid (Greek for "star-like") is the word used most in the English literature for minor planets, and is used to indicate a diverse group of small celestial bodies that drift in the solar system in orbit around the Sun. If you had one of these in your arse you would certainly know about it.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Thankyou for your question CC.

Unlike the western practice of shaking hands, the Japanese custom of bowing is used in a broader range of situations, eg. bowing in apology, and in many varying degrees of formality.

It is generally accepted that the longer and deep the bow, the stronger the emotion being conveyed. So it would be theoretically possible to cause offence by not bowing "enough", likewise an exaggerated bow may be seen as insolent.

Bows can be generally divided into three main types: informal, formal, and very formal. Informal bows are made at about a 15 degree angle and more formal bows at about 30 degrees. Very formal bows are deeper again, often around 45 degrees.

There is an extremely complex etiquette surrounding bowing, including the length and depth of bow, and the appropriate response. For example, if the other person maintains his or her bow for longer than expected (generally about two or three seconds), it is polite to bow again, upon which one may receive another bow in return. This often leads to a long exchange of progressively lighter bows.

Generally speaking, an inferior bows longer and more deeply, and more frequently, than a superior.

So, to conclude, bowing like most human interaction, is governed by the circumstances of the encounter and the people involved, and requires an attuned sense of judgement. That you have lost several friendships suggests that you may be socially inept and should probably steer well clear of Triads, as the consequences of offending them may well be horrific.

If you do find yourself falling foul of Triads or grabby Japanese businessmen on the bullet train due to incorrect bowing etiquette, I suggest the following course of action:

MOVE LEFT+RIGHT+LEFT+RIGHT+RIGHT DIAGONAL WHILST HITTING MEDIUM KICK + STRONG PUNCH REPEATEDLY.

This should allow you to remove your opponents skin in one swift manouvre whilst frying their corpse with lightining bolts, banishing them to an eternity in the land of shamed ancestors.

Hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

oh woo oracle.

have you yet been able to harness the power of a shredding guitar solo which will strip women down to their underwear?

if so, how much are lessons?
 

Thankyou for your question Gonk,

Pitching Woo have not yet mastered such a power, but we are close to a breakthrough. Donovan's reluctance to wear sleeveless denim jackets with lightning bolts sewn into them has made progress difficult. There will be some weapons grade shredding coming up in the very near future though, so watch out.

Fortunately, the lessons are free here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe6p-5tUh3M

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Dear WooWooWooWooWooWoo(sorry faulty comma...had to use a full stop instead).

Why is it that John Howard and Ron Howards names are so frightenly similar? Surely this doesn't make Peter Costello the Fonze even though Alexander Downer could well be a Potsie. And is it really plausible that a human being could call a film Backdraft and not for one second think about the possible double entendres that would flow forth decades after the films release? Still you can't beat the gripping tension of "Desert Fox" starring Nicole Kidman as General Rommel nor the heart renching farmers tale of loss and redemption starring Sally Fields, "Not Without My Dieldrin". Please help us....please help us all!
 

Thankyou for your question Glassacre,

John Howards and Ron Howard's names are so similar because they share the same surname, which is in fact common across most English speaking nations. Furthermore, the names John and Ron rhyme. To read any further into this is akin to attempting to divine patterns in the static of an untuned television screen and is not advised as either practice will culminate in a throbbing headache.

This certainly does not make Peter Costello the Fonze, as this dubious distinction already belongs to Henry Winkler and the transferrance of the title would be conditional on him winning a bare knuckle deathpit fight. My money is on Winkler. Alexander Downer could not be Potsie as he has neither the goofy charm nor the acting chops to pull of such a role, and again, I do not fancy his chances in a deathpit type scenario.

You make an interesting point about Backdraft, but this must be put in the context of an industry that has released movies with titles including "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar", "The Divine Secrets of Ya Ya Sisterhood", "Gigli" and "Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever". (And this is while deliberately avoiding the fertile ground of B through Z grade horror flicks such as "Cannibal Women In The Avocado Jungle of Death"). I've always thought that "Gleaming The Cube" sounded suspiciously like some sort of autoerotic practice too. That an industry capable of throwing millions of dollars into unleashing something as horrific as 'Cheaper By The Dozen 2' overlooked the possible flatulence related implications of Backdraft does not suprise me.

With regards to "Desert Fox", I believe you may be mistaking Nicole Kidman for James Mason. A common misconception, but incorrect none the less. In fact Mason again played Rommel two years later in "The Desert Rats", and many believe that Kidman closely modelled her character "Judy" in The BMX Bandits on Mason's portrayal of Rommel.

And last of all, Dieldrin is a powerful and highly polluting pesticide banned in most countries and should not be treated lightly. The film I believe you are referring to is called "Not Without My Daughter", although watching it in its entirety does have a similar effect on the central nervous system to that of Dieldrin.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Your insights are as overwhelming as they are enlightening. I am saddened to correct you with a few vital points though :

1.0 Sally Field starred in the classis racist Hollywood text, "Not Without My Children"
James Mason is actually a woman.

2.3a John Howard, Peter Costello and Alexander Downer are actually the undead and bare knuckle fights are no longer reccomended by the World Health Orgainisation's (W.H.O) chief physician, Pete Townsend.

12.3.a Your point about Alexander Downers complete lack of charm is valid however he does look slightly better in stockings that the original Potsie.

Thank you for your continued guidance and caretaking of the "truth".

Your Friend in Cheeses,

Glassacre the Third
 

I shall be brief Glassacre, and may I remind you that Ritalin is a perfectly valid method of controlling some of your symptoms.

1.0: "Not Without My Children" was in fact the name of a still born sequel to "Not Without My Daughter" and James Mason is the very definition of debonair whichever way you slice it.

2.3a: I will give this assertion the benefit of the doubt, as I have seen little to contradict it, however Pete Townsend has actually learnt to refrain from involving himself in matters of public safety since his child pornography decbacle. A wise move in my opinion, as it has allowed him to devote more time to his true calling: composing themes for CSI spinoffs.

12.3a: I have not seen Alexander Downer in stockings so I will not comment. Long may that remain the case.

I would like to leave you with a quote from New Kid On The Block's Jordan Knight: "Those who devote too much time and energy to considering the hypothetical and unknowable possibilities of parallel universes can only be sure of one outcome - that they will devalue the experience of their own."

I hope this helps.

The Woo Oracle.
 

Oh Wise Sage, I have one more question for you; it relates to love.
What do Betty and Wilma see in Barnie and Fred? Its quite clear that they are overweight, incompetent oafs who could organise a beer at a brewery, so why is it that they find such great forgiving partners? These bumbling idiots make me sick! Fred even bought Wilma a STOLEN 'Stoneway' piano for her birthday but at the end of the 22 minute episode all was forgiven. Where can i find such a female who will put up with my girth and incompetencies? Do I need to travel back to the mythical age where humans and dinosaurs cohabitated? Do this type of female even exist?
Please help.
Spudgun
 

Dear Spudgun,

Fred and Barney were both hung like Clydesdales. It is exactly their girth that endeared them to Betty & Wilma.

As for your own situation, I am unsure as to your particular girth and would not want to make any undue assumptions, so I will just say: make sure the intimate times qualify as "outta sight". Learning a trick or two in the boudoir will certainly be cheaper and easier than mastering time travel and endangering yourself by cohabitating with dinosaurs.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

dear woo oracle...
how do i remove these stuborn cum stains???
i scrub and i scrub and all for nothing???
please help...!!!
from jaded srubber, uk.
(wait a minute thats useless putting an alias up here... you can see who it is anyway... shit!)
 

Dear Daniel,

I'm not entirely sure what it is that you have managed to stain with cum. Trousers? Bed clothes? The velour uphostery in your car? The curtains at Mum's place?

Dennis Mountbatton, head Jizz mopper at Crazy Horse Peep Shows and former Navy Man had the following advice:

"The important thing is to get to it as early as possible. If you're quick and can mop up the excess sprog before it sets, a dose of a general stain remover like Preen (or carpet shampoo) followed by washing/scrubbing the fabric in hot water and detergent should take care of the rest. For those longer term stains that may have slipped under the radar - first soak the affected area in cold water, then rub out a brand new load, being sure to hit the same target. (If you need a little encouragement in this department, Dennis recommends 'Buttfuck Sluts Go Nuts Vols. 9-16' or "Master & Commander" starring Russell Crowe). This load will attach itself to the older stain, liberating it from the fibres it has become attached to, much in the same way the best way to remove stubborn blu-tak is with more blu-tak. Then follow the cleaning steps as listed above. For really stubborn stains, grunt out another load."

Thanks Dennis.

I would like to add to that by saying that the best cure is often prevention. I recommend finding a receptacle for your Jizz, be it a tissue, an orifice, someone elses's spectacles or the creepy crawley pool filter at the local public swimming pool. The internet is rich with details of things that can be jizzed on, in and all over.*

I hope this helps.

Happy batting,

The Woo Oracle.



* A Woo Oracle Public Health Announcement: Do NOT try and shag your vacuum cleaner. I heard about a guy who did that once and it ends very badly.
 

Dear Sarah,

I have often noticed that the very attributes that attract one person to another are the seeds of destruction later in the relationship. Here is a rough list of things that people seem to be attracted to that are little guarantee of future happiness:
- Confidence
- Prowess in a particular field
- Physique
- Money
- Availability at a moment where alcohol and lust conspire

None of the above are necessarily bad, and I'm most of you would scoff at the idea people base important decisions on them, but it happens every day whether we like to admit it or not. It is dicing with fate to base a relationship on any of the above without some of the following:
- A sense of humour
- Empathy for other humans
- A disposition towards realism or sensible optimism (i.e. - a good head on their shoulders, not a sook or a hippie)
- Practicality (the ability to clean up after themselves both physically and metaphysically)
- The X factor. There needs to be something about them that sets of a light deep within somewhere. It may be weird, inexplicable and something your family and/or friends may never understand, but you are doomed without it and a fool to ignore it.

You will notice something with the two above lists - generally speaking the first set of 'attributes' are relatively easily ascertained in loud, dark night clubs full of drunks, whilst it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to ascertain the second set of attributes in that same situation. I always find it interesting when people complain of a relationship failing after only a few weeks or months when it was founded on meeting in a room where you can barely see, hear or understand each other and are both out of your skull drunk.

There are a couple of omissions thus far that I can't quite make up my mind about:

1. Intelligence. It pays to remember you can be brilliant and still a complete ass. A long (not to mention cringe worthy) back catalogue of 'tortured artist' and 'crazy genius' biopics should provide plenty of warning on this subject. Also, people that devote too much time to cultivating an outward impression of intellect often fall short of their own estimations.

2. Sexual Prowess. So you've found someone who shags like a minx. Good start. But again, they can still be a complete ass. It's really up to the individual to decide how much crap they are prepared to put up with in order to swing from the chandeliers and do creative things with kiwi fruit.

Last of all, having carefully assessed a partner and decided to give it a shot, for Christ's sake be honest with them and expect the same back. Also, assume they will not change one bit, and be prepared to accept them as is. Having unfounded and unrealistic expectations of someone is a sure fire way to sink the boat.

I hope that helps. Now onto the real meat of your question: Meerkat Manor.

Meerkats live in some kind of hole, not a Manor. I don't see any fucking butlers anywhere, there's no billiards. As plucky as the little guys are I don't need a completely contrived set of "humanizing" gimmicks or "relationship intrigue" to make me understand their plight any better. Particularly given the sheer majesty of some of the big budget nature docos available these days.

As far as I can tell, this show has been a ratings dud, coming in as the 15th most watched show on Sunday. The only ray of hope for it is that it comes to channel 10 as a fairly cheap pre-packaged product and does not require the investment of ongoing production and the precious time of A-list celebrities such as Sports Tonight's Ryan Phelan that was the death knell for 'Yasmin's Getting Married'. And for all it's nonsense, I would still rather watch Meerkats than plenty of other crap that seems to be surviving in the harsh landscape of commercial television, so I'm sure there is a place for it somewhere between Bright Ideas featuring Warwick Moss and Up Late Games with Hotdogs. But then again they could just give us a repeat screening of The Ronnie Johns Hour.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Dear Woo Oracle
Why are there effects units called "Flanger", "Ring Modulator" and "Big Muff" yet no "Spadger", "Botty Boonter" or "Cavernous Vagina" respectfulatively?
 

Dear Nathaniel,

Before the Flanger was a comercially available effects pedal, it was a prototype. Before it was a prototype it was a blueprint. Before it was a blueprint it was an idea.

Seeing as you've had the idea, it would seem it is encumbent on you to bring the sound of both Botty Boonting and Spadgers to the world. I for one await the results of your efforts with keen interest.

I believe there was a pedal known as "The Cavernous Vagina" in the mid eighties. It was a delay/reverb pedal billed as "a normal looking box with a suprising amount of space inside". Only a few prototypes were ever made before reliability issues killed off the project. (Apparently it would only work for 3 weeks out of every month). You can hear the sound of The Cavernous Vagina on Berlin's hit song "Take My Breath Away" from the Top Gun soundtrack if you're interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tu5ReJ-JkwI . There are apparently still a couple of Cavernous Vaginas in circulation, although there is no outward indication on the box. There was not really any one definitive sound that it produced either, so many people may have come across one without even realising it.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

I read with interest your thoughts on 'Meerkat Manor' and was wondering what you had to say about 'Prehistoric Park'.
 

Dear Gonk,

I have not actually seen any of 'Prehistoric Park', but what I understand of the concept irritates me. It seems to combine equal parts of Jurassic Park, The Crocodile Hunter and severe frontal lobe brain damage and still manage to be dumber than the sum of its parts.

I'm sure my 3 and a half year old nephew will marvel at the spectacle of it all, but apart from that it looks like a stupendous achievement in the crowded field of entertainment completely devoid of content. To paraphrase a joke from theonion.com: It can't be long now before Channel 9 unveil the new ratings smash "Australia's Shiniest Objects".

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Hi Ya Oracle! How goes it!?

I have two questions for you today. I am finding myself distressed!

1) Why arent many people responding to my movie forum? http://groups.myspace.com/toxiemitemovie This is a place for people to talk nerdish and bitch slap one another!

2) Was the previous question a shameless plug!?

Thanx man. You have the ability to heal all of my tortured wounds.
 

Dear Glenn,

1. It sounds like you have created a little corner of the internet where people can "talk nerdish" and get in trivial arguments. Perhaps if you could explain how this is different to everything else already on the internet you might win over a few people.

2. Yes, but I'm not sure how far it will get you.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Dear Oracle of Woo,
I've been struggling with my grammar today at work.
Can you please clarify how to use the following words correctly:

1. practice vs. practise
2. eldest vs oldest
3. farther vs further
4. piss off vs fuck off

Thanks
Spud
 

Dear Spud,

Hopefully I don't get this completely arse backwards, but I'll give it a shot.

1. "Practise" is a verb and "practice" is a noun. So you would attend footy "practice", but you would "practise" kicking. Got me?

2. "Eldest" is used only when discussing people, but "oldest" can be used for anything (people, animals, things). "Eldest" may also be used to emphasize rank or seniority, not just age. "Oldest" does not do this. "Eldest" is used in comparing a group ("my eldest son"/"the eldest of my three sons"), but "oldest" can be used in a more absolute sense ("the oldest man alive").

3. There is no instance of the word "farther" where "further" cannot be subsituted. "Further" can also be used in the context of "Further, I would suggest applying a topical ointment to the affected area", while "farther" cannot.

4. The difference between "piss off" and "fuck off" is entirely in the emphasis of the two expressions as understood by the user. To most people "piss off" can be used more lightly, ("Here's $20, now piss off before I change my mind"), while "fuck off" is generally used more seriously. ("No one wants you here, so just fuck off"). Much is conveyed in the way these expressions are used and the context they are used in though, so there is no hard and fast rule.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Dear Woo Oracle,

how did you become an oracle? i gather there are gruelling and exacting oracular trials and/or training preceeding the bestowal of oracular duties, possibly involving extended periods in a cage dangling on a chain above a remote mountain pass, or participating in strange and mind-opening sexual rites with cloven-footed halflings. can you detail for us the journey from layman to woo-oracle?
 

Dear Tramways,

I came into being spontaneously as an intangible entity of collective conciousness and wisdom. Sort of like a manic depressive wikipedia. I do not know where I came from, I only know that I am.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Dear Woo Oracle,

are you a psychedalic yogi or some sort of bogus groovy groovy guru?

Also why can't i keep my finger out of my nose?
 

Dear Nathaniel,

Exactly what part of "Oracle" do you not understand motherFUCKER!??

Pardon me, I was channelling Samuel L. Jackson for a second there. Strictly speaking I am a cloud of electrons, unbeholden to a specific location in time or space.

And that is not your nose.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

As a cloud of electrons what kind of nucleus do you orbit? How do you manage to think and then convey your thoughts to us? And what is your favourite quadratic equation?
 

Dear Nathaniel,

1. I am Deus Ex Machina. I merely manifest myself via the manipulation of subatomic particles, and thus orbit many different nuclei at any given instant.

2. I do not know how I think and convey my thoughts to you, but I am, so therefore I am, and most motherfuckers don't give a damn.

3. f(x) = x^2 â x â 2 = (x + 1)(x â 2)

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Hey woo oracale
i'm trying to write my thesis here and i need help. what are the advantages and disadvantages of the following maskless lithography techniques?

2 photon polymerisation
electron beam lithography
high energy ion beam lithography
focused ion beam machining
excimer laser ablation

Also is there anyway of converting mask based X-ray lithography into a direct-write/maskless technique?
 

Dear Boogsie,

The methods you mention are OK, but Atomic Force Microscopy is the balls, and has the added bonus of sounding totally badass. I also recently accquired a lovely set of pornographic lithographs that were done by hand, so there is still something to be said for that technique too.

Maskless X-ray lithography runs the very real danger of creating a race of mutant ultra-monsters if anything goes wrong, so stay away from it. While many would assume I am using nonsense pseudo-science fiction in a clumsy attempt to cover my own ignorance, nothing could be further from the truth. I assure you the threat is very real, and history will judge harshly those who do not heed my warning.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Woo Oracle,

While performing lithography with an AFM offers extremely high resolution, surely it can never produce any structures beyond a depth of a few monolayers. Also the technique is very time consuming and large scale intergration into high volume production of devices would be a huge task. I think any of the other techniques i have mentioned would be better placed to take on the new demand of next-generation electronic, photonic or mechincal devices. That said, the recent surge of interest in quantum data processing requiring single atom placement could see AFM lithography meet a niche market in extremely high resolution lithography.

We are all aware of the importance of pornography in this 21st century but I hardly think hand drawn lithographs are going to be able to meet the demands of our every expanding population. While the hand drawn stuff will be continually sought after by discerning collectors such as yourself, I think for the standard capture and duplication of imags to be viewed by the naked eye, modern photographic and printing methods will continue as the workhorse technology in this industry.

As for you comment regarding the creation of a race of mutant ultra-monsters I think your comment ".....I am using nonsense pseudo-science fiction in a clumsy attempt to cover my own ignorance,....." speaks volumes about your grasp on the common knowlegde concepts raised in my initial post.

boogs
 

Dear Boogs,

Enough of your borax pointdexter. May I remind you that it is you who is researching their thesis via myspace. Surely this is a less than credible avenue of investigation, unless of course you were writing a thesis concerning any of the following:
- myspace
- emos
- bizarre self photography techniques of the early 21st Century

That said, as Woo Oracle, I reserve the right to respond to any and all questions with unintelligible rants, while drunk, and/or in completely flippant, libellous or misinforming ways as befits the position of self proclaimed myspace Oracle.

While I am impressed by your wealth of knowledge concerning maskless lithography techniques, you have ignored the core issue of which one SOUNDS the most badass. And on that score it is game, set and match to Atomic Force Microscopy. Your use of the acronym "AFM", while convenient does not do it justice.

I take your point regarding the mass production of pornography, although it saddens me that the skill and devotion showed by the true artisans of yesteryear is so undervalued in this digital age. It really makes me question the quality of information and images distributed over the internet. Yup... there really is some ill informed poorly executed nonsense out there.

As for my comments concerning a race of mutant ultra-monsters, I stand by them. You have been warned.

I highly doubt this helps but one can still hope,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Woracle,
Not to speak poorly of the dead but how long 'til we can all start bagging Steve Irwin again? Just after his beatification? St. Steve! What's with everyone loving him all of a sudden? Sure, he highlighted the beauty and plight of many of mother nature's more dangerous creatures, but he wasn't the modern-day Noah the media are now painting him as. Stopping the rant now... enough of the rhetorics and on with the hard questions:

- What effect will his death have on the sale of infaltable crocodiles?
- Can I still dress as him for the Spring Racing Carnival?

Please help
Spudgun Grere
 

Dear Spudgun,

Go nuts. Everyone is too busy slagging off Germaine Greer to care too much. Apparently Sam Newman called her a "low dog" on the footy show last night. That must really hurt coming from him.

A word of advice though, try and come up with something better than:
Q: What music are they playing at Steve Irwin's funeral?
A: Sting

These media orchestrated outpourings of grief are a curious symptom of the age we live in, and something I will not attempt to deconstruct except to say it gives me the shits and is thoroughly disrespectful to the recently departed. It immediately warps the context of the ACTUAL life they lived, sometimes to the extent of turning parts of it into fiction. Boo!

To answer your questions:
- I believe the inflatable crocodile market will remain buoyant.
- Yes. Please, please do that. It's what Steve would have wanted.

I hope this helps,
The Woo Oracle.


The Woo Oracle.
 

Dear Woo Oracle,
hello oh great and powerful one. I have been asking my friends many questions of late and all they do is refer me to you, so that is why I am here....
So, question the first
- Why is it that good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people?
question the second
- How do i become more assertive and tell people what I am thinking instead of woosing out and saying the opposite?
Question the third
- Why can't I have a panda?
Please help me Oracle..... p.s I really liked your work in the Matrix movies.
Love
George
 

Dear George,

1. Basically, it's all just a bunch of stuff that happens. A good deed, or for that matter a lifetime of them, is no insurance against misfortune. Surely you would not expect a tidal wave, the biological quirk that leads to cancer, or an angry stingray to exercise some sort of moral judgement and weigh up whether a particular individual has been naughty or nice before they strike? Good people are more often than not in fact defined by how they respond to bad things.

On the flipside, buttheads do win the lottery some times, it's true. Again, a random sequence of numbers (drawn under government supervision) exercises no judgement about the people who's lives it is about to change.

As Sammy Hagar once sang: "you've got to roll with the punches and get to what's real". Almost immediately after that he sang "can't you see me standing here/ I got my back against the wreckin' machine/ I eat the worst things you've seen/ Can't you see what I mean". I never really understood that bit.

2. Assertiveness: Get confident stupid. There is no other way to say what you think than to... say what you think. It will probably get easier with practice. Just think of it as nothing more than an obstacle to be overcome.

3. Pandas, in order to survive and procreate, require a carefully managed habitat, climate and diet. Also, porno, lots of porno. Yes, I am completely serious. If you don't believe me, check these out:
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/06/27/giant.panda/index.html
or
http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/01/25/panda.passion/

By the time you perfected all of this it is likely that you would have gone broke, insane and killed several pandas, so it's probably best to just leave it be.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.

PS - Keanu is a TOTAL prima donna.
 

HA! Yes, but how do I get a panda?!
And how did you know about my Keanu comment?!
Thanks alot Woo Oracle....
No really, thankyou!
Love
Mang
 

Dear George,

1. I'm not sure how you go about "getting" a Panda. Bribing a senior Chinese official might be a start, otherwise some form of commando raid on a Zoo might be in order.

2. A good Oracle never reveals his secrets.

The Woo Oracle.
 

Sarah,

though i am not the woo oracle i maybe able to help. There were plenty of men (about 90%)at the RMIT Physics Student Association function last Friday. Maybe this is a valuable pool for young wowen on the prowl.
 

Dear Sarah,

Boogs, while impudent, is pretty much correct in so far as you will most likely meet the man of your dreams by immersing yourself in a room full of RMIT physics students talking shop.

No, wait... that doesn't sound quite right.

That is to say he is correct in so far as he kind of meant "fish where the fish are". There is no point in dropping a line in to a scummy goldfish pond and expecting to pull out a marlin or a yellow fin tuna. Nay, to catch such a noble beast you must first prepare your mind by watching reruns of "Rex Hunts Fishing Adventures". This will ensure your commitment to your cause, because it would take a determined woman to still be interested in the opposite sex having sat through several hours of fishing television Then you must trek north, get ripped off by a dodgy fishing charter operator and then suffer intense sea sickness for several hours. At some point along the way you may well catch an awe inspiring fish. The point of this? The moment of catching is nothing compared to the weeks of preparation and hardship involved. See? No?

OK, to completely abandon that floundering analogy (and resort to even worse puns - "flounder" geddit?), in order to meet the man of your dreams, you must first ascertain what your dreams are and then go about meeting men until one of them bares some resemblance to your dreams.

If Boogs would be so kind as to provide an schedule of upcoming RMIT Physics Student Association social functions, we can get the ball rolling.

Having said that, do make sure you understand what you are looking for, and be sure that you will recognize them if they cross your path. You never know, you may already know them...

Now to answer your other question:

The Oracle at Delphi lies in ruins, but Pythia, the priestess of Apollo had a pretty sweet racket going back in the day. If we were to meet today, I would definitely come out on top based on superior computer literacy and personal hygiene.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle
 

Ok, suprising as this might sound the RMIT PSA is not widely known for its egerness to organise social functions, so therefore i do not know of any other functions for the rest of the year. But, I can tell you that the funds raised this year have gone towards a lovely new set of table tennis bats and balls (...no seriously). I do however have some idea where we may be able to pick up the man-trail. It seems that as of today a whole bunch of guys are switching their studies more towards environmental science based subjects in the hope of one day attending some Climate Change Forums....hmmmmm
 

oracle, what can you tell me to make sense of these crazy times. Steve Irwin and Brocky have both died unexpectedly; who's next and will they double up with it being on the 9/11 anniversary?
 

Dear Gonk,

Truly these are disturbing times. I have not felt this discombobulated since Big Kev was taken from us so suddenly. I cannot tell you what to make them, except perhaps a bad telemovie or some sort of reality TV show. Making sense of much of this nonsense is beyond even my considerable Oracle-y powers.

In keeping with the "Aussie Icon died doing what he loved theme", I am thinking that Molly Meldrum will die with a... hmmm... might leave that one alone actually.

My official prediction is that Lleyton Hewitt will suffer a massive brain aneurysm mid "C'MOORRN!!" The subsequent issue of Woman's Day will be 837 pages long.

And lest he become part of this tragic legacy, I would also like to again remind Boogs of the dangers of attempting maskless X-ray lithography.

Having said that, it is my sincere hope that no further Aussie Icons perish in the near future. Particularly as we need no further excuse for morons out there in Today Tonight land to write retarded chain emails such as the one I received earlier today, (this is completely unedited on my part):

"-----Original Message-----
From: Michelle Pxxxxxx
Sent: Friday, 8 September 2006 11:28 AM
Subject: FW: Steve Irwin the legend

This is being done as a token of caring for the family of Steve Erwin...

What a shock to lose such an Aussie icon as Steve Irwin. In respect to

him, his family and friends lets all turn our front porch light or a

light that can be seen on, on friday night the 8th of September to show

his loving wife Terry and his beautiful kids Bindi and Bob that we are

all thinking of them.

This is being emailed all over Australia, I think that date is when his

family will be flying in...its up to you , but I will turn a light on for
them !!

Please send this to all the people that you have

in your contacts (even me so I know you sent it on) and lets light up

Australia for our only true OZZY ICON STEVE IRWIN

Crickey Mate Crocs Rule"
***************************************************************************

And that, my friends, is the true tradgedy of this week. I would also like to take this opportunity to urge all of Australia's Commodore bogans to pull a fully sick burnout at exactly 11pm tonight in memory of Brocky. Pass it on.

I hope this... ahhh fuck it...

The Woo Oracle.
 

*eye shut tight muttering to himself* "please say russell crowe, please say russell crowe......"
 

Dear Oracle,

Is there anyone cooler than Max Power? If so, can you tell me who it is so I can take them out.

Thanks,

Max.
 

Dear Max,

The following list of people are a definite threat:
- Trent Steele
- Brian Fantana
- Mick Hucknall
- Ron Moss
- Shannon Noll
- Fatman Scoop
- Colin "Funky" Miller
- Davis Love III
- Disco Stu
- Hotdogs
- Mark Skaife

Terminate with extreme prejudice.

I hope this helps,

The Woo Oracle.
 

Terminate fat man scoop? Are you crazy? Then the world's no. 2 hypeman would be no. 1 and obviously he's not as fly as fat man scoop or he'd be no. 1. Brooklyn Clan, nuff sed.
 

Dear Woo Oracle,

Will Genuwine ever release another song as dope as Pony?

If you were a gambling oracle and Tony Danza and Mickey Rourke were duking it out who would you put your money on?

Also what am I getting for christmas from Santa?