I didn't think I would ever say that, or at the very least admit it publicly, but after a weekend that was meant to be fun and ended in a fiery ball of failure I realized just how much I do miss it.

It was nice having someone there when I got home, someone to talk to first thing in the morning about the crazy ass dreams I have, someone to be there for all the big and little things.

My dogs are great, and I love them more than I thought you could love furry four legged creatures, but they are not a perfect substitute for the emotional, mental, and physical connection I had with my wife.

Molly had her faults as did I, and I think we let our pride get in the way. There are a lot of things I should have told her. Like the simple fantasy of doing yard work together on a saturday morning and then having breakfast on the back porch of a little house in Sugar House, SLC or the avenues.

There are a lot of things I miss about it, and most of it is tied directly to her. Who she was, how she made me feel, and what she did for me. She made me feel like I could accomplish anything, and drove me to be better.

Part of me wants to be jaded and not care. Just dive into physical pleasures to pass the time till the broken parts have been healed enough to remove the cast. Another part thinks that sounds like a terrible thing to do when what I had was so much more than that. So far the latter is winning and that's what's causing the problem.

Right now I am emotionally tapped out. Some days it's a struggle to deal with the fact that I've lost the partner that I thought I would have for the rest of my life. The person I was convinced I was going to grow old with. The worst part is why I lost it.

My drive to build a better life for the both of us caused a huge fissure in the relationship as I worked to make that simple fantasy a reality, which was fueled by her encouragement and belief in me. After a while it became evident that my working so hard was hurting her in ways I didn't fully understand, but I didn't want to stop because I had come so far and was getting closer and closer every day.

This is when I stopped speaking up. This is when I started thinking that she might be better without me. That she could do better and that I was the one bringing her down. It took a while, but I realize how wrong that assessment was. I lost the thing I loved most in this world because I thought she would be better off without me instead of realizing what I meant to her and speak up.

It's no use pursuing her, she has moved to the coast in pursuit of her dreams, and I want her to find her place in the world. It's hard to see 5 years of your life going away. There were troubled times for sure, but there were also some of the happiest times in my life in that 5.

While this fairy tale ended with the princess moving to another state the frog prince did learn a valuable lesson and will not repeat his mistakes. There are somethings that cannot be changed in the course of our lives and somethings that can be, but are better left unchanged. As much as I hate to admit it, this might be the latter.

Would I jump at the option to make it all better and wake up next to her once again? Without hesitation, but she's gone and I've lost any way to contact her and make things better.

It's a learning experience, a very hurtful one, but a very valuable one as well. I've learned more about relationships, honesty, trust, and most importantly love from this one divorce. I've learned that love... real love, is something I don't want to take lightly. Once you've had the real thing the substitute is a piss poor mockery and just won't do.

I plan on trying to find that again. I want to feel that again, but I'm not in any hurry. The lessons are still sinking in and the hurt is still healing. I may not be ready to start down that road again now, but someday I will, and I'll be better equipped to make the journey.