The following wrestling show write-up bears no necessary mirror to reality, as some tag team & finisher names have been fabricated by the author for mostly-self-entertainment purposes.


09/20/09

commentating by Mike Tenay & Taz ~ from the iMPACT! Zone in Orlando, Florida

before the opening match event begins, TNA Senior Referee Earl Hebner ejects Lesser Referee Slick Johnson from the ring, so that he has the pleasure of officiating the following FINAL ROUND, TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH: the Babes in Blue (Taylor Wilde & "Sarita" Sarah Stock) versus the Beautiful People (Velvet Sky & Madison Raine); Taylor pins Madison with a Bridging German Suplex {PSYCHOLOGY: boobies!}; after the match, Lauren Brooks bothers the new Knockouts Tag Team champions, who weren't surprised @ their win & do the usual New-Tag-Team-Champions thing & promise to keep the belts for a good long time

backstage, Jeremy Borash bothers "Showtime" Eric Young, who defers the interview to Kiyoshi Tanahashi, then proclaims that, no matter what he says, Hernandez's gonna join the World Elite, he's not even gonna touch Super Mex in their match tonight, to prove that he belongs with his brothers; TNA GRUDGE MATCH: Hernandez beats Young with a 'Border Toss' Throwaway Crucifix Slam {PSYCHOLOGY: short & sweet, for everybody but poor Eric!}

in the backstage area, the Forever Hardcore Documentatian bothers "Blueprint" Matt Morgan, who promises that the head games are over & no offense to Sting or "Phenomenal" AJ Styles, but tonight's about the DNA of TNA & the Heavyweight champion; Morgan can feel in his hand, the burn of the torch that he's about to rip out of the hands of Kurt Angle, tonight's his night

TNA X DIVISION MATCH: champion Samoa Joe makes Chris Daniels Submit with a 'Coquina Clutch' Rear Naked Choke {PSYCHOLOGY: all typed up before the Samoan Submission Machine even reached the ring!}

backstage, Jeremy Borash bothers Executive Shareholder Mick Foley, who's distraught about the fact that somebody smashed a prized picture of himself, posing with the Heavyweight championship, there's no replicating the heart represented in the photo, somebody messed with his photo & mark the Hardcore Legend's words, he's gonna find out who did it

in the backstage area, Lauren Brooks bothers "Pope" D'Angelo Dinero, who's used to hearing outcries from his congregation, but he beat down Suicide like a redneck cop with 2 nights sticks. . .  now he's gone & gotten himself all worked up, he has to re-energize himself with a Stacker 6-Hour Energy Drink. . . which allows the masked version of "the Future" Frankie Kazarian jumps him from behind, prompting the referee to start the TNA FALLS-COUNT-ANYWHERE MATCH: Dinero defeats Suicide with a Roll-Up {PSYCHOLOGY: after the video game character leapt off of the top of the entrance tunnel & practically caved in his own rectum on the arena floor!}

INTER-GENDER, TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE MATCH: ODB pins "champion" Cody Deaner with a 'Knocked Up' Fireman's Cutter {PSYCHOLOGY: y'know, for a guy who won a video contest to have a date with this 1 Dirty Bitch, Deaner's really come a long way!}; after the match, Lauren Brooks bothers the new champion, who reminds us that she might not like all the broads in the back, @ least now the belt's up for all of them to go for, so for all the Knockouts, the girls in prison & all the TNA fans, this 1's for you!

backstage, Jeremy Borash bothers Heavyweight champion Kurt Angle, who isn't concerned about "Blueprint" Matt Morgan, as he could've made his fellow former WWE wrestler into somebody, but now the Olympic Hero's just gonna have to break him; if size were all it took to be champion, then Morgan'd be the title holder, but Angle's champ, so he's gonna have to take on Sting & "Phenomenal" AJ Styles without the DNA of TNA's help

Executive Shareholder Mick Foley hobbles to the ringside area, carrying a barbed wire bat, where he joins the Professor of Wrestling & the Human Suplex Machine for special guest commentary on the following $50,000 BOUNTY / TNA LEGENDS TITLE MATCH: champion Kevin Nash beats Abyss with a Tazer to the Testicles {PSYCHOLOGY: talk about roasting chestnuts on an open fire!}; after the match, when Doctor Stevie tries to take Big Sexy's bounty, he gets a 'Jackknife' Dangerous Powerbomb, then takes his $50,000 & saunters backstage

backstage, Jeremy Borash bothers Tag Team champions Booker TNA & Scott Steiner, the latter stating that he has all his balls in a hole, he hates all foreigners & if they can't talk english like Freakzilla, then they should get the hell outta America; the Last King of BookahLand proclaims that they're the best & if TNA wants to lock them into a cage with 6 losers, then that's all gravy; "LETHAL LOCKDOWN", 6 SIDES OF STEEL 8-MAN TAG TEAM MATCH: the World Elite Mafia (IWGP Tag Team champions British Invasion {Brutus Magnus & Doug Williams} & TNA Tag Team champions Their Brothers's Keepers {Booker TNA & Scott Steiner}) versus Mutual Disrespect Association (Beer Money Incorporated {"Cowboy" James Storm & Robert Roode} & Team 3D {Brothers Ray & Devon}); the 1st & 2nd entrants, Williams & Storm. . .  the 3rd competitor, Magnus. . .  the 4th pugilist entered, Roode. . .  the 5th wrestler in, Steiner. . .  the 6th entrant, Brother Devon. . .  the 7th pugilist out, Booker TNA. . .  & the 8th & final competitor, Brother Ray, which prompts the weapons-bedazzled top of the cage to lower into place; Storm pins Williams with a 'DWI' Double-Team Powerbomb-Neckbreaker {PSYCHOLOGY: so, instead of defending either of the 2 Tag Team titles. . .}

backstage, Lauren Brooks bothers Rhino, who doesn't have any comments for his match with Bobby Lashley tonight, real men put on wrestling boots & wrestle, not do that silly MMA stuff; do you seen an octagon when you look into the iMPACT! Zone, no you see a 6-sided ring. . .  this whole MMA gloves & kick pads are nowhere to be seen, tonight it's gonna be the War Machine's taped fists upside Black Lesnar's skull; he feels no pain & will rip Lashley in ½ with a 'Gore' Charging Shouldertackle. . .  'Gore' Charging Shouldertackle! . . .  'Gore' Charging Shouldertackle!! . . . in the following match, where Lashley beats Rhino with a 'Knockout' Straight Punch {PSYCHOLOGY: well, I have to assume that I'm not the only person unsurprised by the outcome of this bout!}

in the backstage area, Jeremy Borash bothers Sting & "Phenomenal" AJ Styles, the latter stating that his mind's on winning, that's all he can think about; when the Stinger woke Styles up a few weeks ago, it was jst what he needed & now tonight, he & the former NWA, WCW & TNA Heavyweight champion will walk out with that belt; neither man cares which 1 wins it, as long as they take it away from the Main Event Mafia in the following match, but before it can even start, Hernandez saunters down to the 6-sided ring to cash in his "Feast or Fired" #1 Contendership for the Heavyweight title, to make this a MAIN EVENT, 5-WAY TNA HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE MATCH: Super Mex versus the Phenomenal 1 versus the Stinger versus the Olympic Hero versus the DNA of TNA; Styles defeats Angle with a 'Shooting Styles Press' Springboard 450° Splash {PSYCHOLOGY: awesome!}; after the match, the new champ's joined in the ring by a bevy of fans & various TNA Superstars

a video package plays, hyping Bound For Glory, live on pay-per-view October 18th, live from the Bren Events Center in Los Angeles, California