Another day, another slaughter. I'm sure that by now, roller derby fans, you've heard about this bout a thousand times over. The score was
Maulers 289,
Long Island Roller Rebels 16. The nuts and bolts of the bout are described by
Justice Feelgood Marshall over
here, on the CCRG blog. Alternately, you may simply scroll to the end of this, as I will have pasted the summary there.
The affair, as a whole, was more eventful than the final score may lead one to believe. Well, from an announcer standpoint, anyway. See, a week before the bout we learned that there was to be no guest announcer coming along with the
Long Island Roller Rebels. However, five days before the bout, we were told that a certain Jake Steel would make the journey. Can you guess what happened next? That's right, Mr. Steel couldn't make it! We were thrown into chaos the very afternoon of the bout!
Jimmy Valentine and I were forced to come up with taglines for the
Long Island Roller Rebels, just moments before the bout began! Okay,
Jimmy Valentine did most of the work, as always. All right, I don't think that I did any of it. Happy now?
The night beforehand,
Flo Shizzle and I comprised the welcoming committee and greeted the
Long Island Roller Rebels at their hotel. It took a while for all of them to arrive, so I only met a few of them, actually. If you have a moment and are prepared to have your mind blown, ask
Butterscotch Cripple what she does for a living.
Yikes!
We offered to take the opposition out for some socializing but
LIRR cannily decided to turn in early. We were able to go to
Joe Squared with a select group of referees and mascots, though. I had to duck out for a bit to briefly attend an event called
Big Art Show at the world-renowned
Ottobar. While there, I bought this scarf:
Do you know what that is? It's a ninja fetus! If he looks bad-ass now, just wait until he stops breathing fluid! He was created by the good people at
Fort Cloudy, based right here in Baltimore. If you go to their website and are not deeply moved by Sad Muffin, you are made of stone.
Sunday, as it often does, followed Saturday night. The bout was a lopsided victory for the Maulers, as you know, but the
Rebels fought hard every step of the way. It also bears mentioning that they were skating with a lot of green skaters, since a perfect storm of unfortunate events prevented several of their more experienced skaters from competing. And, despite "traditions" that no one anywhere has ever heard of, the
Maulers did not "go easy" in the third period. Cripes!
Jimmy Valentine was brilliant from beginning to end and made me look like a chump. There was a Guitar Hero contest that was a huge hit with the youngsters. I was able to say two memorable things (I only know because people actually mentioned them later): I described Berzerker as being "A full emu in height" and, when the Guitar Hero contestants were just standing there pushing buttons I mentioned that it was more like watching a Ken Burns documentary
about Guitar Hero. That's about it, but it's two more than usual.
Whew!
Next up: Come to Philadelphia this weekend (17-18 March) for the East Coast Derby Extravaganza!
Click the poster! Buy tickets! Go!
Dirty Marty will be announcing almost from beginning to end!
Finally, as promised, here is Justice Feelgood Marshall's completely necessary recap:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
First WFTDA victory, new WFTDA record!
In the first-ever matchup between two Division III WFTDA leagues, the Charm City Roller Girls' Mobtown Maulers put a record-setting hurting on the visiting Long Island Roller Rebels, demolishing them 289-16 for the Maulers' first WFTDA victory.
The Maulers were playing at nearly full strength for the first time since their debut in November, with captain and co-captain Pistol Whip and Buzz Kill back after a two-bout absence and Berzerker and Betty Beatdown fully recovered from recent injuries. From the beginning of the bout, it was clear that the Maulers' speed and power advantage was going to be a serious problem for the Long Island girls, as the Long Island jammers were having next to no luck escaping the pack on their initial pass, often getting halfway through only to get knocked to the hardwood and having to start all over again. In trying to help their own jammers, the Long Island blockers were continually caught unaware by the approaches of the Maulers' jammers. The Maulers' Lady Quebeaum started off the bout by putting up 5 points to Summer Slam's 0, and then Betty Beatdown set the tone for the night by dropping a 14-0 jam on Iris Carbomb. On the third jam of the night, Long Island's Trixie Timebomb got her team on the scoreboard by scoring 3 points to Joy Collision's 11, but that was all the offense Long Island was able to muster in the period, as the Maulers' defense pitched shutouts for the next 7 jams. On the 10th and final jam of the period, Lady Quebeaum got the Maulers over the century mark with a 16-0 jam over Summer Slam, ending a crushing 72-0 run that brought the score to a crowd-jarring 102-3.
At the beginning of the second period, it looked like the Long Island girls might be showing a bit of life -- Summer Slam got revenge for the previous jam by taking lead jammer and outscoring Lady Quebeaum 4-3, and Trixie Timebomb followed that by getting a lead jam of her own, scoring 2 points to Betty Beatdown's 4. Unfortunately for Long Island, the Maulers unleashed a torrent over the next four jams -- a 15-0 jam for Joy Collision over Iris Carbomb, an 11-0 for Buzz Kill over Summer Slam, a 14-0 for Lady Quebeaum over Ameretto Sourpuss, and a 13-0 for Pistol Whip over Felon of Troy. Joy Collision's slightly-too-aggressive style earned her an ejection for the period at about the 8-minute mark (by mutual agreement of the leagues, the bout was played under a rules variation in which three trips to the penalty box equaled a period ejection), but even losing their MVP wasn't enough to faze the Maulers. While Long Island's Raven Madd momentarily slowed the avalanche on Jam 17, scoring 2 points to Shevil Knievel's 5, it was only a temporary respite -- Betty Beatdown put a 11-0 jam on Killer Tofu and Pistol Whip ended the period with a 15-0 win over Trixie Timebomb. At the end of the second period, the scoreboard showed a 193-11 advantage for the home team.
With victory all but assured, the Maulers gave the hometown fans something special in the third period, sending out blockers Cindy Lop-Her, Rosie the Rioter and Berzerker for their first-ever jams as Maulers. While Cindy battled to a 0-0 draw in a chaotic 2-minute Jam 23 with Felon of Troy, Rosie put up an 8-3 Jam 26 over Trixie Timebomb and the fearsome Berzerker topped that with a 9-1 Jam 28, also over Timebomb. Meanwhile, the Maulers' regular jammers weren't exactly packing it in either. On the second jam of the period, Betty Beatdown dropped an 18-0 jam on Summer Slam, and Joy Collision, returned from her second-period exile, one-upped her with the biggest jam of the night, a 19-1 over Ameretto Sourpuss. In the end, the Maulers' Sizzle-Leen closed out the night by racking up 11 points to Summer Slam's 0, putting an exclamation point on an epic victory for the Maulers' final home game of their first travel team season.
The 273-point victory shattered the previous record for the largest point spread in a WFTDA-sanctioned game (183, set just two weeks ago atDust Devil by the Bay Area Derby Girls over Pikes Peak.) Charm City's win moves them to 1-2 in WFTDA-sanctioned interleague play and 3-2 overall, with previous wins over Dominion and Harrisburg, and previous losses to Carolina and Philly. Long Island falls to 0-3 in interleague play, with previous losses to Boston and the Penn-Jersey She-Devils. Both teams will be back in action in just two weeks at Philly's East Coast Extravaganza invitational. The Maulers will get two shots at being the first Division III team to knock off a Division II team, facing Grand Raggidy on Saturday, March 17 and Detroit on Sunday, March 18. Meanwhile, Long Island takes on Dominion in a Division III battle on Sunday, March 18.
Recap by Justice Feelgood Marshall, photo by
GlobalGlenn.