Cashs Cougar Safari

Its Cash McMogulson III. Ive hunted more cougars, worn more blazers and done more deals in the past two months than you will in your entire goddamn life. Im up at the office with our new idiot associate on a conference call for some medium-sized deal. Im not listening, I had to cause dads pissed. Hes still president. For now. You can add medium-sized deals to the list of things I dont do; its up there with fat chicks, big carrots and 972s. Oh and Ashley St. Standard. I never called her back.

Whereve I been? Wait, you didnt see me last weekend? Thats probably cause while you were at home not closing deals and watching some chick movie with that girl youre going to marry cause she told you she wont sleep with you until youre engaged and shes gained five pounds a year since you met and we all know where thats going but she knows how you like your eggs and b.j.s, I was at the W hotel on a big game cougar safari with my buddies Jefferson Davis and Turner Parkerton. And you arent going to believe what happened to me. I mean NOT going to believe it.

Davis and Parkerton come to pick me up Davis just got the new Range Rover Sport. Hes always been cheap. Sports just another way to say you cant afford the real thing. What, you think I got out-card? Fuck you.

We valet and hop out of the car and its like I own the place. I mean I do own part of the place. I mean my dad just bought one of those places at the W for when his new girlfriend comes in town. So I kind of own it. Hes so great. 65 and he has thicker hair than me. Hes gonna have to buy mom another car when she finds out about this one.

So we walk in past the line. I dont wait in lines. Did you think your yellow Chevy Avalanche and cell phone belt clip were getting in before me? Wrong! And to make things more unfair, I was wearing pink shirt. Im unstoppable in pink. For when chicks cant see your Rolex, a pink shirt is like a big cougar-killing gun. My dad taught me that. So my buddies and I get in the elevator and go up to the Ghostbar with this one pack of cougs, but they were DNPs Do Not Pets. Not all cougs are do-able. Actually, one was a DNF. Do Not Feed. Ever been mauled by a chubby cougar? Me neither. It happened to Parkerton once after his fifth Loon drink. You know that alley behind the Loon? Nevermind, its a long story. Back to the night.

We thought wed kick of the night with a bottle of Ketel. We always get bottles.

No shit, as soon as the bottle hits the table I swear it sends a text to every Louis Vuitton purse in the bar and the kittens and cougs just come running.

Turner and I had almost finished our third drink and some shots and this one pretty smokin girl comes over and starts to hit on Jefferson. She probably hadnt gotten a good enough look at me. But then her friend walks up. Hot. Blonde. Young. Somewhere between kitten and cougar. And says the only words better than "Im not pregnant." And those words are:

"Im in town for the weekend."

So we start talking and Im like, "whats your name?" Youve got to ask girls questions like that so they think youre caring and interested. I was even going to ask her few more when get THIS shit. all of a sudden she says, "My name is Melissa. I like guys in pink. Im staying at my friends boyfriends place, want to go upstairs?" I hadnt even finished my drink! I swear to God. Dad was right. This place is awesome. I look around and Jeffersons already closing on his chick and Im a little buzzed. What! Youd do the same fucking thing. NOT that it would ever happen to you. So were in the elevator going at it and shes already ripped three buttons off my shirt with her cougar claws. Then were back at her friends place. Im not going to go into details, but it was the best 21.4 minutes of her life.

I wake up the next morning with no buttons and fucking terrible hangover. Melinda or whatever her name is passed out on the bed so I pull my jeans on and to the kitchen to get some water. And as if getting clawed by a hot cougar on half a bottle of vodka isnt cool enough, my luck just cant get any better cause the fridge has my favorite kind of Vitamin Water. Its all McMogulsons drink. We buy it by the case at the office. Then I realize theres also our favorite beer, and our favorite vodka and JESUS ---WHERE THE FUCK AM I and WHY IS THERE A PICTURE OF MY DAD ON THE FREEZER!!!?!!!??!!!!! Holy shit this is my dads place!

I just hooked up with my Dads new girlfriend.

Turns out I didnt. But Jefferson did! They were both staying there at my dads place. The coug I hooked up with was her best friend! My dad is so pissed at us. Hes buying me a new Range Rover to keep my mouth shut. Im Cash McMogulson. I got the cougar and the Rover. Im not gonna lie, my life is awesome.

Gotta go. Theres a big deal on line 2, Im back on the call.

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This message was sent from the blackberry of

Cash McMogulson III

Vice President

McMogulson Real Estate

Highland Park, Texas

214-214-2142