Chapter Thirty-Four

Letter to My Family

Family:

I am an incest survivor.  I was molested by those I trusted most and loved and who I thought love and cared for me.  I was wrong.  They did not love me nor did they care about me.  This list is taken from a book to help people who have  been abused like me to recognize, reckon with, and painstakingly recover from the gut wrenching pain this causes and to try to find a reason to live because of the intensely extreme damage effects it has.  Of all of these 34 painful symptoms, I have suffered and/or am still suffering from all but one.

To those in my family who abused me, there is no forgiveness given to those without it being asked for with great pain and remorse and a commitment to change.  You will be judged for the evil in your hearts and your lack of repentance.   You have stolen my life from me, my innocence, my trust, and my ability to lead a quiet, peaceful life without intense personal and family trauma.  You have not only damaged me, but you have also blemished the lives of my children and those I love.

So to you, mom and Dan, you will be judged for the hell you have put me through and the life you have stolen from me.  I have said many times that I would not wish this trauma on anyone because of how the damage permeates every single aspect of my life and soul, but you two are the exceptions.

To those who chose to close their eyes and blame the abused instead of the abuser, you will also be judged for the complete and total lack of compassion and sense of justice and for your complete denial of the pain I experienced, both as a child when I’d come to you for protection, and now.  Deb, you are one of the most self-righteous hideous persons I have ever known.

To Kevin who is a sad product of his environment and who was himself abused, I hope and pray that you recognize in yourself the pain you too are experiencing and seek the help and support and healing that you need to overcome your own pain of your past and present abusive behaviors.  And I pray for healing for the children of your household because they have been abused at your hands.

To my father who failed to protect me or accept me as the daughter I was and the son that he didn’t get, and who exerted his abusive emotional and physical control over me, thank you for finally dying, because it finally revealed the ugly lies that I was innocently believing about my family as truth.  It freed me to see that the so-called truth that you espoused to about who my family was were really unbelievable lies of deceit.   I don’t miss your endless narcissistic chatter about yourself and you only.  Your silence in the grave finally has given voice to my pain and the ability to reveal the secret you so desperately fought to preserve. 

To the spouses of my siblings, please recognize the ghastly effects that sexual, emotional and physical abuse has on people and get the abusers that you live with the help they need.  Without confronting and dealing with the truth of their abuse, you are accessories to their crimes and you assist in perpetrating the ugliness of their sins. 

To my nieces and nephews – if you have lived in the homes of these abusers you too undoubtedly were abused in some form or fashion.  Seek help immediately while you are young to overcome the damage they have caused you so that you can enjoy a healthy and loving atmosphere and relationships with your future spouses and children.  Help to break the inevitable chain of abuse in this family for the health of the future generations and for society’s sake.  I pray for your own healing and safety and for wisdom and resources to guide you.  Protect your children and grandchildren intensely from the hands of these abusers.  Seek the truth of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and the damage they could do to your children and grandchildren.  Do not ever leave them unattended with these abusers, if you choose to allow them to see them at all.

I realize that by sending this letter that I face complete alienation from you.  You may think it to be your punishment to me for saying these things.  But you are sadly mistaken.  I have already chosen to bury the idea of what I thought my family to be – a close knit, loving Christian family, and face the facts for what they are and that it is anything but.  I do not regret telling you that you will never see me or my family again as I have excluded you from my life entirely.  That was my choice, not yours, so you have no ability to threaten me with it.  I have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.  Life is too short and too precious to allow people into my life that bring me pain and you who abused me are those people.  If you seek reconciliation, I am willing, but not without complete recognition and remorse for the sin and the crimes you committed against me and the lasting damage it has caused me and my family. 

Now to the people who have been there for me and have reassured me over and over and over again of their love for me that I  still have a hard time comprehending completely ….

To Carol, I owe you my undying love and appreciation for your servants heart, your ever present listening ear, your understanding, your encouragement and your steadfast ability to accept me who I was at any given moment through my healing and for all my life.  Thank you for your endless love and friendship.  I am so sorry that you, too, were abused and betrayed at the hands of people we loved and who we thought loved us.

To my beautiful children – I love you all so very much.  You three have given me the only complete and unadulterated joy I have ever known in my entire life. I cannot express in words your worth to me as special individual people who I had the absolute privilege of bringing into this world and watch grow up to be the healthy, loving, caring, compassionate and perceptive people that you are.  You are my blessing and I adore you beyond words.

To my darling husband – thank you for your undying love and perseverance when it was literally impossible to give.  You helped to breathe life into me as I faced the unbelievable truth of my childhood.  Thank you for your incredible insights and perception, your desire to learn how to help me, your encouragement and support, love and understanding, and your gift of putting into words the feelings and pain that I had no words for and could not understand myself.  Thank you for rescuing me from the destruction of this evil disease and your devotion to being my lifelong companion on my journey to wholeness and health.  Thank you for your patience through the most difficult of days when I was completely empty and had nothing to give you.  Although I know your imperfections, you are a saint this side of heaven.  You are my gift and I treasure you.

To my Jesus I give this pain wholly to you for your glory and dedicate my life to bring healing to others.  Thank you for the promise of no pain and no tears when I finally stand face to face with you in heaven.  Thank you for adopting me as your child into your ever loving and accepting family.  I will forever be yours and I anxiously await the day that you call me to my real home to be with you forever. 

I know someday, when I am ready, I will send this letter to everyone.  Until then, I will take comfort in the fact that I have finally found the words that I have always wanted to say to my family and know that I am getting stronger and better.  It is a tremendous accomplishment to be able to say exactly what I think and what I feel to them because I never have before in my entire life.  It is sheer torture spending 45 years in silence because those that I loved and thought loved me really don’t want to hear what I have to say!  But now it had been said.  I knew that I knew the truth now and nothing that they could say could convince me otherwise.