So I was sitting in the video store today staring off into space when I realized I have a serious problem. I tend to judge movies by their covers. I know there are tons of good movies that have bad covers (like The Matador. Talk about misleading!) and lots of bad movies with good covers (I was going to put an example of one between these parenthesis but couldn't think of anything).

However, there are quite a few movies whose covers are so bad there is no way anyone could ever get me to watch them. Not even by tempting me with Puffy Cheetos. These are the movies I like to call "Movies I'll Never Watch". Oh, it's more than just a catchy title. It's a lifestyle. I realize that doesn't make sense, but neither do the movies that fall under this title. Which I have never seen.

Let's discuss Date Movie. Yuck. Because apparently four Scary Movie's was not enough. There are a number of things wrong with this movie that can be extrapolated from its cover.

First of all, there's that title font. It's exactly the same as the Scary Movie movies. At least those movies were loosely based on the Scream font, so it made sense. But Date Movie doesn't try to parody a font from the date movie genre. It just rehashes the same font the producers used for their other crappy movies. I know this is probably because they wanted audiences to know that it was the same people who brought you Scary Movie so they used the same font, but to me it just comes off as lazy. Plus, I think the quality of the actual movie will be enough for people to know that the same idiots made it. And the "From 2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie" thing directly above the title ain't exactly subtle, either.

And speaking of that, look how it's written. They tried to be all cute and made it look like someone wrote in the "2 of the 6" carrot as an afterthought. That would be funny, except that if you take that away, the sentence sounds like it was badly translated from Japanese. "From Writers Of Scary Movie." What?

Onto the actual images. There's a picture of a Napoleon Dynamite parody who looks exactly the same as it's inspiration except, ho ho, they changed his signature "Vote For Pedro" shirt by adding the word "Don't" to the beginning. Wow! That is comedic gold right there. Seriously, what were they thinking? Was this movie written by 5 year olds? They had a brilliant opportunity to do a hilarious send-up of those annoying shirts that to this day are worn by 60% of all people under the age of 26 and the best thing they could come up with was "Don't Vote For Pedro" ?? Jesus. In fact, even "Vote For Jesus" would have been better, because it's like the Hispanic name, except it comes with accidental religion connotations. Still not that funny, but for God's sake it's better than "Don't".

Also, notice how the people, in general, look extremely bored. Just an observation.

Then there's the midget, who is of course playing a midget for cheap laughs. That's so funny. It's funny because he's shorter than a regular-sized person, get it? That's the joke. Also notice the girl with the giant butt. That's funny, too. It's funny because the writers apparently still find the fact the J-Lo has a huge butt hilarious.

"Hey man, I had another brilliant idea for this movie. We'll have an actress that looks like Jennifer Lopez, and – get this! – she'll have a giant butt!"

"Jonathan, that's brilliant! You know, if you play your cards right, there just might be a spot for you on the writing staff for Scary Movie 5, or possibly even Indie Movie, Action Movie, and Porno Movie! All of which will of course have the same font."

I have to give the producers props, however, for the dude who looks like Owen Wilson. That's kinda funny.

Anyway, I guess I just had to write this blog because it frustrates me that the people who make these movies have a wonderful opportunity to viciously rip into to the sorry state of modern mainstream movies and the best they can come up with is a bunch of big-butt jokes. The real joke is that these movies somehow manage against all odds to be far worse than the ones they parody.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about Date Movie. Keep in mind I've never actually seen the movie, so there is a chance it could be a hilariously blistering social commentary that daringly laughs in the face of everything we hold sacred while at the same time making us seriously rethink our values and the world we live in.

But it probably sucks ass.