The hill I'm climbing is muddy and slippery and last night, I think I lost a bit of ground.

Last night and today, that is.

I got home after a LONG day. Ugh. I was exhausted.

Imagine my surprise when I open the front door and a cat THAT IS NOT MINE runs out.

I freaked out because I had no idea how the critter got in here or how long he'd been inside.

Then, already shaking a bit, I had to give Ursula a bath. I won't go into the reasons why...but if you've never bathed a cat, you aren't really living.

A torn down curtain rod and broken toilet later, she was clean and NOT happy (the toilet was actually not flushing properly before her bath, but I had to throw that in there).

I got a bit overwhelmed by everything and lost it. Cried for a long time...Chad knows. Went to sleep. Tried to go to apartment office early to talk to them, but they were too busy. That was another breaking moment...and I couldn't stop crying.

I think I was just a bundle of nerves and it had to come out somehow...but jeez--that's not like me at all.


In other news...

I'm irrationally irritated by something that happened a couple of weeks ago.

I won't go into detail, but I simply cannot stand it when some people spout sonnets and then disappear when bad times arise. I've done it to other people, some recently...and it's not something I am proud of. In fact, it pisses me off...at myself. But this person...this person made out that he was such a good friend, and that we were destined to be together...but when I really needed a friend, and someone to talk to, he vanished. He had better things to do.

I should make it clear that this is no one that I know in person; I've never met this person face to face, although the plan was for that to happen late this year, early next year. He was very quick to tell me he wanted a relationship with me, but I was just as quick to say that I cannot fall for someone who I have not met, no matter how many "similarities" we share. I just don't know a person until I KNOW them. I may have become jaded and overly cautious in my misfortunes.

I suppose this is not what he was looking for because when Grandaddy became quite ill, he disappeared. He sent a couple of emails saying that we seriously needed to talk...but now was not the time. And he never elaborated, even though he had my phone number and email address.

After another small disaster I deleted him from myspace altogether. I get the idea that he wanted to "test other waters," which is fine--I was not betrothed to him and I considered myself to be his friend. But the manner in which he did it was messy...very messy...and, considering what was happening at that particular moment in time, very hurtful, considering the fact that I had not heard from him in days.

There are a lot of loose ends in my mind over the situation, but I believe what could come from it did come from it. It seems to me that if he had ever been serious, he would have had some iota of initiative to do something about it. Hell, my ex husband left me, his wife, and his entire life behind...and don't get me wrong, it was cruel and selfish and still hurts deeply, but I have to give him one thing: that took guts. It takes a lot of guts to surrender everything and go to what you want, especially if it's in a place you've never been to, where you have no friends or family. I know. I did it when I got married and moved to be with him.

I know what it's like to be scared out of your mind when you do something, but know that the desire to have what you want is greater than fear. I did it blindly when I was 21, but this year, I amazed myself by doing it again, when I did the things I had to do for my family. It wasn't for any tangible prize or praise or anything...what I wanted was peace of mind, and I was scared to death of failure. I was scared of how I would manage to take care of and protect my family (and still am). I was scared this year  with everything- from all the times I had to catch Grandaddy to keep him from falling to the final days when they asked me to decide when his life would end.

I was horrified...but I wanted to feel peace, which I did not feel when Mom died. And, with the exception of a few minor details, I am at peace. I know I did all that I could, and I know that the decisions I made were good ones.

I may be a lot of things, but I'm not typically a coward. And that gives me great satisfaction.

-end of rant-