soo i never use this thing. why? i dunno cause im boring?who knows. anyways my b-day is in13 days..wow the big 2-0. i feel old :( but in a sense i dont. in a sense i feel like maybe my life is just starting know what i mean? its weird, im old enough to buy porn but still not old enough to drink yet. and ive always been waiting to be old enough to just be old enough to do anything. i still feel like a baby in a way because of that. i look at this year coming up of where i get to be 20 for a whole 12 months and i thinkwow this is the last year i can be little. after this birthday the next one will be the one that i have always waited for. that sounds cheesy but its true. all my life everyone has always been older than me. i always got excluded from things cause i was too young. but what am i talking about? i still have 12 months to enjoy being 20. but the sad thing is that i wont be a teenager anymore. as much as i just said that i have been waiting to be old enough a part of me wishes i could stay like this always. no one ever really wants to grow up. i would like to sometimes. i think about it a lot. how nice it would be to just start a life. i know right now i pretty much am carefree. there are so many things i wish i could do before i just settle down. i see old friends all the time and they bring back so many great memories, like the time the power went out at the beach club apts. and all we had were candles, hookah, and great accoustic music. i miss those friends sometimes. i miss the music and the laughing and the talks. the pool hall and the breezeway after school. photography classramones and the clash. and silly black leather jackets. i saw a familure face today that is why all this stuff is coming back to me. someone who used to be a good friend and maybe a little more than that at times. i wont get into that though. I think of all this stuff and then i think of where i am nowand im very happy that i have someone in my life who is every bit as wonderful as i could ever ask for. i lived a pretty fast life before, and some of the people and things i did im not very proud of, and i wish i could erase them, but they say what doesnt break you makes you stronger. i learned a lot from those people. but those people also took a lot from me. my respect for guys was very slim for a very long time. i had a trust issue, and a fear of being left alone after awhile. I dont have that fear anymore. i am very happy with my 8 month relationship. Everything around it is perfect. i love him so much that it hurts! i have never loved anyone this way. i thought i did, but the longer i went into this relationship the more i realized that everything i had before could never compare to what i have now. i wish the world i live outside of this relationship felt just as sweet. im scared that im never going to amount to anything. im so confused as to what i want to do with my life, and so paranoid that i will never change. i dont want to be doing the same thing i am now 2 years from now. but i also dont know what type of career i would be good at. i have so many desires and so many dreams its hard to pick one.And its hard to pick a good stable one. I dont want to be the girl who did nothing with her life. I want to be someone who did something good. Something to be proud of. Its rare that people are ever proud of me. There are sooo many things i want to do, and so many things i have already done, but Im not finished yet. Im afraid I will be that person who has like 10 kids and then have them ask me what great things i did when i was young and me saynothing. I know i have a few good stories, but i want more. i want them to tell their kids of all the things i did. i know one day i wont be around anymore and that scares me like you would not believe, but i know that i dont want to be the one who never achieved anything. i know i am supposed to do something great with my life. i can feel it. ive met so many people and i have a lot of talents. I may only be 20, but im scared i wont figure out what my purpose in this world is. This post is really long lol. Anyway I could go on forever but I wont so Im stopping the post now. I feel a lot better.