Awards and Accomplishments:

• All time World Hide and Seek Champion. I've never, ever been found. They say it's because they hate me so much they don't even want to find me. I know the truth however, they are just intimidated by my skills.
  
• Appeared on "Lowered Expectations" four times
  My last date through them
  
• Earned $4.3 Million as the poster child for Trojan Condoms
  
• Holds record for most money spent on McRib sandwiches; $5.8 Million
  
• Mono-Lingual
  
• Can tell the differance between Butter, and I Can't Believe it's Not Butter
  
• Finished the "Grandma's Marathon" in 17 days, 4 hours, and 18 minutes.
  
• Holds record at differant comedy clubs for longest time on stage at a without a single laugh, chuckle, giggle or guffaw.
  
• Invented Myspace, but that bastard Tom stole my idea when I told it to him at the strip club. Now he has millions of friends, and all I have is a Tickle Me Elmo.
  
• Voted Most likely:
  
  
  • To have to resort to marrying a cousin
    
  • To be buried alive by an angry mob
    
  • To always fall for the "Got your nose" gag.
    
  • To die during masturbation. (But they were just playing the odds there I think)
    
  • To kill or be killed over a Buffalo Wing related dispute.
    
  • To die a virgin (we proved them wrong, didn't we Cousin Gertrude!)

• I'm trying to take over Social Securtiy. Then, rather then sending out checks, I will sent out bills, and thus will become the richest person in the world!
• To treat all the thongs manufactured with a themo-reactive material. When worn, the thong will contract. The ensuing chaos of the world workforce constantly battling wedgies will cost the world economy billions and billions of dollars a day!

• ...Plumbers Crack became the next fashion trend.
• ...Cooties was a legit disease.
• ...Of all the religions, Scientology got it right and The Story of Xenu is true?
• ...Elton John isn't really gay, but just pretending to get the extra publicity?
• ...O.J. and Micheal Jackson were actually innocent?
• ...There was a Planet inhabited by Wierd Al's?
• ...Weird Al's style of hair was the next rage?
• ...Bush is the most intelligent President we have for the next 50 years?
• ...Clarinet solos become the next big thing in Metal?
• ...all the curses in myspace bulletins came true. That people died all the time, had bad sex or none at all and just all sorts of nastiness happened to them. Wait a minute...

• Go Car shopping and tell the sales person you don't care about any features, except for how many dead midgets you can fit in the trunk.
• Whenever something happens, say someone dropping their pen, yell out "We are all going to die!" Act accordingly.
• When at the Mall, buy your merchandise, and if they offer free gift wrapping take it. Tell the wrapper that you are going to be SO surprised when you open it.
• Write all your numbers in Roman Numerals. Bonus points if you are a accountant or Math Teacher.
• Take a car from a dealership for a test drive, and try and use it as a trade-in at another.
• At the slightest difficulty or frustration, throw your arms up in the air and yell so that no less then 5 people hear you, "That's it, I can't work like this!" and storm away. Coming back is optional.
• Pick a word, any word, and everytime someone says it, bark quietly like a dog. Deny every making any noise.
• Go to a Middle School, stand at the bike rack with a sign that says "Used Bike Sale"