I decided to create this never ending journal that I will try to my best to update daily. I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing this. Maybe it’s because when I write about something that’s on my mind I learn more about myself…and also, I’m always in heavy thought.  Perhaps this may make me vulnerable to judgment but so be it. Whether it is negative feedback or positive feedback so be it. But remember I am just like you, I too feel the need to understand the world around me. I really don’t need any advice if you read this, nothing personal. To me advice starts to sound the same after a while, like clique. I’m looking for credit or for someone to feel sorry for me…I’m just looking for at myself and writing what I see.

Thursday, November 11, 2009: Mediocre - Kinda of just a tired day, all I really wanted to do was to go home and work on my computer. Nothing really intereseting stood out. I've been meaning to write about something that happen two weeks ago here, but I need to take care of something first. Anyways, I heard and read two quotes today that I really liked.

"the end of his life coincided with the beginning of my truth."

&

"Without discipline, there is no glory."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009: False Positive -(Kind of a continue to my thoughts on Nov. 9) The major thing that holds me back from getting into a serious relationship is that I’m completely busy all the time. It fucking sucks and at the same time I enjoy it. I know, it sounds contradictive. But the more I keep myself busy the less I think about relationships. I’m not even sure where I’m going with this idea here, but this what I do. If I’m not completely busy I feel like I’m wasting time and someone else is out there beating me to the prize. I don’t even remember the last time I took a vacation. I think it was in junior high I believe…no, thats wrong, it was in elementary school. I’m not even sure what relaxation really is anymore. I really mean that. A few months ago I got into a small car accident; someone’s break pad was in the middle of the freeway and took out two of my tires and rims on one side of my car completely. Anyways, I remember sitting on the side of the road, and I was tired because I was coming back from work. My heart was beating like crazy because I was thinking of my car. I was pretty shook by the incident, because it could’ve been really worst. But all this time when I was worried and nervous from this accident, I was getting pissed at myself for not bring my bag. Why? Because my work was in my bag, and I felt that while I was waiting for the tow truck driver and I should’ve been more productive. ..

Tuesday, November 10, 2009: Satisfied -Today was good day. I left school this morning satisfied with my group members. They all got their work done by the time we all agreed. I usually don’t like to lead small groups at school but I’m glad I did. It makes me feel good inside to help bring someone’s potential out. As the old adage goes “You help yourself, when you help others.”  Good mornings like this really make miss my family and friends, and not to mention girls I use to talk to. The long drive home always leaves me time to think. As cars pass me and the traffic lights change, I can’t help but to be thankful to God. I miss my family and friends, that’s why I work so hard so one day I could be with more often. 

Monday, November 09, 2009: MIA from relationships -Lately I’ve been thinking about relationships and how my schedule has made me completely obsolete from this subject. This thought is bugging me, because it continues to dance quietly in the back of my head. I really don’t remember the last time I went on a real date. By the way I don’t call it “date or dating.” The word leaves too many situations for a person to become vulnerable to attachment and feelings being hurt. I usually call it hanging out. Now if she was my girl, I still don’t call it dating, I just say she’s mine and we’re together. Anyways, I think I’ve been feeling like this because for some reason I’ve been getting flashes thoughts of two missed opportunities in the last two years. I’m pretty picky and I’ll admit. I’m also pretty reserved. Not in a snobby way, but in a way that I’ve learned from the past and I am a little more cautious. You know what I do all the time tho? I always screen a girl when I meet them, whether I’m interested in her or not. Almost every word she says is taken into account, also every word that is not said. Why do I do this? Is it because some conceited asshole or I’m an egotistical arrogant fuck… no. First of all, my looks aren’t that great, but I don’t believe I’m ugly I guess. I just feel that my looks meet average. I don’t screen girls on purpose; yo it just happens in my head. I don’t control that at all. Anyways, there was two missed opportunities in the last two years, where I was really attracted to someone. Why didn’t I do anything? Because even tho I felt attracted to them physically and most importantly mentally, I still felt they would not understand…. My busy schedule, my raw competiveness to be successful, my constant focus towards the future. Yea it sounds simple, but it’s not. Those things take time and dedication. There’s not too much compromise with those things. The bad part about it is that when I think about those two specific missed opportunities, I start thinking about my first love and this one girl who I let slip. I’m not gonna get into that. I’m over that, but like I said I have no control over my thoughts. I not the type of person who procrastinates, I rarely ever do. I’m completely against the idea of procrastination. But why do I always tell myself, “When things slow down, maybe I’ll go find her.” I’ve been saying that for over five years now.

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