This is probably going to be an extremely emo post. I don't care all that much.

I came to the realization today that I'm just really tired of all of this. I'm so tired of being lonely all the time, and so tired of having effort be for nothing. It's like … I'm happier when I don't try at all. Not happy, no. But happier, if that counts for anything. I've been so depressed these days, and so unmotivated because I've been depressed. Hasn't helped that I've been sick and haven't been eating too well either. It's hard when I realize that and can't change it. Or won't. Whatever. I started crying earlier and couldn't stop; every small hint that I would be stuck like this forever was enough to send me into a fresh fit of tears. Embarrassing, since I barely ever cry, let alone admit to it, but eh. I just don't care right now. I shouldn't have, but it wasn't much so I don't feel bad … Er, yeah. I had a teensy bit of alcohol and it helped me relax a bit. I have to be careful; I know how I am about addictions and I'm feeling so much better with just that in my system – the medication I'm on makes it so the smallest bit of alcohol affects me. But man. I guess that's why people do it. I guess that's why I would do it again. I just wanted it to stop hurting… is it any more damaging than cutting, or throwing up? Why is it that I only seem to trade one addiction for another? I just can't bear things the way they are without something to relax me and I guess what works for 'normal' people doesn't really work for me. Maybe I just don't let it. I don't know. This isn't helping.