It's all got a bit mad over here. This swine flu malarky is freaking people out. Landed at Crack'arse airport yesterday. All the ground staff are wearing those little white face masks! ALL OF THEM. It was like something out of another Stephen King novel. I suddenly feel quite naked without one.

Then if that wasn't bad enough my mam called me at that very moment and tells me to be "careful" or I WILL die of pig flu. I swear at that point I did a massive sneeze and the entire airport fell silent and started to stare!! I WANT A MASK!!!

Crack'arse, it must be said, is not the most glamourous of destinations, despite what we were led to believe as kids from that film "Gregory's Girl".

I currently have an armed guard outside my room! What does that say? Am I vulnerable to a robbery from room service? Anyway, could be worse, at least the sun's out and I have a balcony and it's 86*. Mind you, what about snipers (as Bobby Gillespie once said to me as we were getting pissed in my back garden)??

In a bit.

GD.