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Current mood:  ashamed Category: Life
For a while now I have been unhappy. But for about two weeks or so, maybe more, I've lost track...I've been dying slowly, and I can feel it. I mean dying in the slowest sense, by age. I realize I'm 18 years old, and have spent my years trying to reawaken something that died a long time ago, and that effort was for naught. Though, with that effort...I managed to push her away, and I knew what was happening the entire time.
I've had dreams, sad dreams, of making myself better, and reintroducing myself...I doubt she'd accept me again even then...I want to get better, and reintroduce myself, a new person, truly Lynn, not the half-assed Carolyn. No, I want to be real, I want to fight for my own salvation. I used her as a crutch, blaming everything wrong with me on her, and that was horrible. I tried to make her like me, when really, she was so much better than me already. So comfortable, so happy. I didn't love her in the sense I told her, no, and the other things we did lost their meaning long ago, it was just carnal, that was the basic part of it. There was no love or affection...just lust and that was bad.
Despite that, I continud to try and care about her more than I should have, and that was a horrible action, it just made everything that much worse. I dug my hole deeper and deeper than intended and really...there was never supposed to be a hole in the first place.
I want to tell her I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart, and were she to give me another chance...well I would be surprised, just a little, because I wouldn't give me another chance...What I want, is to get in touch on a real level, not through a screen, i want to talk face to face, because that is how you get to know someone truly for who they really are. And I want to be seen, I don't want to be crazy and live my life this way. No, I want to live and learn and love in any way I want, in proper way, face to face.
I love you all, props to my peeps in the Dallas/Ft.Worth area...peace
5:56 PM
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