Here is a sample of some of the stories you can find on my website
http://mikecannonmtff.com/blog
It's both a miracle and a blessing that I now have a girlfriend, because I have hooked up with some rancid taco in my time. I know a lot of you have seen my act and realize that I have many jokes regarding the wildebeest's that I've brought home, or have fallen asleep inside of, but this story takes the cake. This is a story about the ugliest girl I've ever hooked up with. I sincerely hope she can't afford the internet, and never reads this.
I was a junior in college, and it was the first year I started drinking. Like everything else I've ever tackled in my life, I went into this habit 100 percent and immediately thought I was better at it than anyone else. My friends and I decided to do a wine night, because we were feeling extra homo-erotic and wanted to bromance each other. I decided to go halves on a 6 liter jug with my 265 pound, glutton of a friend. This tubby titted mess' normal idea of a good night includes, packing double decker lips of Grizzly tobacco (both in your top lip and bottom), rolling 3 blunts in which he paid nothing for, and stealing from Wal-Mart because he's a "Hustlaaaa and needs that money boo-boo." I was in completely over my head, but felt invincible because the weekend before I finished a whole 12 pack!! The Pre-game was normal. We were pounding the wine and starting fires with our cocks in the traditional Native American way. My memory began fading after my third solo cup of this baby delicious Jug O' Merlot.
Here's what I remember:
We finish the jug of wine, and I immediately carry the bottle to our floors bathroom. I let everyone know that I'm the man because **Grizzly Thief** barely drank his share, and I held down the rest. I open the window to the bathroom and throw the glass jug out where it smashes onto the concrete sidewalk. This would be the first of many more bottle throwing incidents that would quickly give me and my friends the reputation of "those fucking assholes on the second floor."
We enter some kind of party. I know its a party because there's a lot of people and some kind of rhythmic noise. I immediately go to the keg. Shapes and colors are rapidly crossing my view path when I bump into something big and sturdy. At first I wasn't sure if it was man, woman or beast, so I took a look at its face and still couldn't make a definitive judgment. It spoke. "NEED A BEER?!?" The baritone voice still haunts me to this day. I realize it's a girl by the extremely large breasts, and very sparse femininity. I accept the beer and calmly scan this woman for any signs of estrogen. She is tall, thick and black. I'm not saying this to be racist, but she had an uncanny resemblance to a silver back gorilla. I swear I think I even saw her pick a fly out of my hair and eat it. I know its impossible for that not to be considered racist, but I've hooked up with plenty of white girls that looked like the Abominable Snowman as well. It just so happens that this chick looked like Warren Sapp with a wig.
**Blackout**
I come to and I feel something wet and thick on my lips. Don't throw up yet fellas its not what you think. Two king sized pillow lips (on her face) were swallowing my mouth and nose whole.
**Blackout**
I'm being dragged across the courtyard like a bitch in Caveman times. "You're gonna enjoooy this," she bellows.
**Blackout**
I'm putting on a condom. Thank fucking god! After my condom is securely on, she starts to blow me. I begin to imagine what that tastes like. I settle on a mix between my retainer and my GI Joe's when I pretended to be a city swallowing monster.
**Blackout**
I'm fucking. How does my cock even have a pulse, let alone enough blood to stay hard? A quick thought dashes across my mind. Am I extra attracted to her because she so closely resembles a line backer? Oooohh Christ…
**Blackout**
I loudly exclaim "BEND OVER BECAUSE I HEARD BLACK GIRLS LIKE TO DO THAT!" What is my fucking problem?
**Blackout**
Somehow I escaped the Beasts den and made the trek of shame back to my room. How am I going to explain this to my friends? I get home, and go to sleep.
What REALLY happened:
All of the above is true, except my memory left out a few select details. Apparently, Patrick Ewing and I made quite the scene at this party. We were making out and slobbering all over each other in front of everyone. I repeat, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. I was initially worried that my friends may have caught a quick glimpse. Now all of the sudden every girl at my college thinks my dick likely got broken off or swallowed by her black hole. Also, I did not go to bed when I got back to my room. I was up for 2 more hours. How do I know this? My friends showed me a video recording of me BRAGGING about my conquest. I was dropping dimes like "yeah baby, I fucked this black girl for 45 minutes. None of your little white dicks could take that much ass for that long. Yeeeeaaahhh booyy!" I was a very proud Flava Flav. I need help.
Somehow this video footage has gone missing. It was not my doing, because although I realize that this story is utterly horrific, it's also extremely funny and necessarily humbling. I will do my best to re-acquire this footage, and will not hesitate to post it on this site.
