A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

An old man walks into a bar and calls the bartender over. "What do you want, Sir?" ..The old man says "I'll make a bet with you!" The bartender says "what kind of bet" the old man says. " I bet you $20 I can bit my own ass". The bartender says "OK; I'll take that bet". The old man pulls his dentures out and reaches back and bites him self on the ass. Well the bartender gets up sets. The old man tells the bartender "don't worry I'll give you a chance to win your money back "I'll bet you $40 that I can bit my own eye"! . The bartender "upset" say's your not going to pull your teeth out are you?" The old man says "Nope". The bartender says. Well OK. The old man pop's out his fake eye and bits down on it. . The bartender gets really pissed now and walks away. . Later the old man walks up to the bar and calls the bartender over and says "I feel really bad about what I did and I want to make it up to you. The bartender reluctantly asked "how"? The old man say I bet you I can stand at the end of your bar and piss in that shot glass all the way at the other end of your bar? . The bartender thinks about it for a bit thinking there's no way. So he agrees. The old man climbs up onto the bar and drops his pants. As the old man try's all he does is piss all over everything. The bar, stools and bottles as the bartender laughs his ass off. When the old was done he climbed down and pulled up his pants. The bartender walks up still laughing and picks his money up saying to the old man. I hope you learned your lesson old man. The old man grins a little and leans over to the bartender saying, I did. You see those guys in the corner? I bet them a $1,000.00 I could piss all over your bar and you'd just laugh your ass off about it.