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"People! People! This is how to leave a voicemail..."
- Bev Haut
Well, for those of you who haven't heard, Bev Haut is retiring from the stand-up comedy circuit. Who is Bev Haut, you ask? She is one of the many regular open mic-ers that Jim Bruce and I stumble across in the rooms across Orange County. In case you never got a chance to see Bev's stand-up comedy, then, regardless of what you were doing at the time, it was definitely funnier. Although there are expectedly low expectations for the comedy level at open-mics, because of Bev's retirement, Orange County open mics just got a little bit funnier. When I told Jim of the news, he said, "It doesn't count as retiring from comedy, if you weren't doing comedy to begin with. That's like saying that I can retire from baseball."
Bev had about 12 minutes of material. 8 minutes was about how she was a whore or a slut or would suck your dick ands pull out her dentures (the joke being that she is a 60 year-old woman, a shock-value thing) and the other 4 minutes was about how to leave a voicemail.
Here's what makes me so mad about Bev... because she had some sort of "pull" at these open mics, she always went on before me and, consequently, would leave before I ever performed. Therefore, I saw her stupid, shitty act like 50 times and she has never seen me perform, not even once! That is very frustrating, and it's not exclusive to Bev (there are a few other open mic-ers that fall in the same category). Even though her jokes are not funny and don't get a response, she just keeps on performing them anyway. Rewrite them? Why do that? Keep saying them over and over again, as if repetition is the solution? Yeppers! Write completely new jokes that could be funny instead of sticking with the ones that definitely aren't working? Sure thing!
The real question is why would someone, with no stand-up comedy success at all, announce her retirement a la Brett Favre? Because she's nuts. Supposedly, she is/was at odds with another open mic-er by the name of Norma Jean. So-much-so, that, apparently, Norma Jean had a restraining order against Bev for stalking-type reasons. As it turns out, this was one of the many reasons that led to Bev's retirement. Thus, I would like to thank Norma Jean. She did Jim and I the service of never having to see Bev perform "comedy" ever again.
Just so you know, Jim and I aren't this mean to all of the other open mic-ers. There are only a select few, and Bev happened to be one of them. We are very patient with anyone else who is persuing the same goal as we. However, Jim and I work on new jokes, re-write jokes and don't do the same material over and over again for the same people like Chinese water torture. We may never have any real success in stand-up comedy, but, at least, we're not Bev.
4:51 AM
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