Love of Self: A Musician's Imperative

by Mark Prince

We’ve all heard it before, “no one can love you, if you don’t first love yourself”.  And, though this may strike most people as an over-used cliché, I believe that truer words have never been spoken.  It’s always been my contention that music and life are mirror images of one another, and that they both manifest our spiritual and universal truths in ways that cannot be denied.

In life, we all have challenges, rites of passage, and periods of infernal baptism that answer questions and define who, what, and where we are in our journey. It’s often these moments (most of which are unpleasant and/or uncomfortable) that give rise to the most meaningful times in our lives, leading to evolution and growth. It’s my belief that this is the sole reason that we’ve been placed on this earth…… to evolve and grow.

For each of us, the path is unique, offering strengths and weaknesses that are actually the steering wheel of the “vessel”. It is these supposedly opposing forces that subconsciously shape our decisions, our friends, our personalities, and in general, our direction in life. Most of what we know about our lives (outside of the five senses) comes to us as a result of learned behaviors. I’ve come to learn in recent years that we as humans have a need to look at life through the perspective of relativity. We have to know what something is, in order to determine what it is not. The most common examples are “night and day”, “white and black”, “rich and poor”, etc. The list could literally go on forever. This is how we perceive, deduce and analyze the everyday matters of life, from the inordinately complex, to the utterly mundane. It’s my belief that this is also a habit that must be governed, in terms of our self–image. We learn from a very early age, to judge ourselves, based on the merits of others.  It is such an ingrained habit, that we most often fail to realize that this is the process by which we determine the success/failure ratio of our lives.  I believe that the farther we get away from this paradigm, the better off we will all be.  And for those of us that are blessed to be musicians and artists, there is a built in opportunity to make this shift through the labor of love that has been such an integral part of our lives, for many of us since birth.

We have infinite examples of music serving as a barometer of the human condition. Whether it’s this country’s earliest incarnation of indigenous music, coming from the Native American sacred lexicon, or the beginnings of American popular music, with the field hollers, and Negro Spirituals of Black slaves brought to this country over the course of 250 years. Music has always expressed itself through the filter of humankind, often in detailed nature, offering a window into the soul of the performer, rendering words or lyrics often unnecessary.  Anyone who’s ever heard Miles Davis can attest to this.  His intentions were always made clear through the playing of his instrument, as countless musicians, the world over, learn from the vast body of work that he left behind. We can clearly discern which periods in his life were particularly tumultuous and distressed, and  conversely, the kinder, gentler periods are equally as evident. Through reading Miles’ autobiography,  it’s clear that there were times in his life that he did not love himself as much as others, and as he attests in the book, the music can tell a more accurate story than he ever could with the limited capabilities of spoken language. With this in mind, I realize now that everything that I’ve experienced (or not experienced) as a musician has a direct link to the degree to which I love myself at the time. I’m now at a place in my life and career that allows me to look back at certain pivotal moments that have shaped the course of my existence.  

My close friends and family all know that I’ve been blessed with a very strong gift of memory. I can not only remember events in vivid detail, but I can also remember what I was wearing, I can remember the date in most cases, and I can most importantly, remember what I was thinking. This is a gift I equate to perfect pitch in a lot of ways. To those who do not possess it, it seems like a prize (which it is), but with it also comes a few challenges. For a person with perfect pitch (which I do not possess), I can only imagine that it can be a bit of a nuisance, given that we live in an imperfect world, with imperfect people displaying all manner of imperfect pitch. In my case, having a strong memory means that forgiving and forgetting are not quite as easy for me. I’ll always have the intention to forgive, but without actually forgetting the most vivid details of an unpleasant event (musical or otherwise), I have to work a little harder to put something behind me.

It has occurred to me in recent years that most of the unpleasant musical events in my life came about as a result of fear on my part. My first instinct would be to mentally question whether or not the audience, and in most cases, my friends and peers would approve of what I had to offer at the time, often resulting in me not stepping up and showcasing my abilities as often as I could or should have. This type of  “emotional paralysis” became a bit of a habit for me, and was most evident when I was around those of my peers that were exceptionally strong in certain areas. Not to make myself sound like a basket case, I did grow as a younger player, and was regarded as a promising talent. But, I distinctly remember shying away from certain playing opportunities as a result of the musical insecurity that most of us as young musicians face. I made musical decisions based on a crippled sense of self-image. For example, I would play ill-timed and ill-executed fills in a desperate attempt to gain approval and acceptance from my peers at the same level that it was being given to them. I would try to downplay the accomplishments of my peers by saying to others that I did not particularly enjoy their work (knowing full well that I wished that I could play what they were playing). And while in the act of playing, I would compare myself to other drummers, and place myself on the unfavorable end of the comparison. I wouldn’t even wait until after I stopped playing to criticize myself. I would do it right there on the bandstand. And, this habit lasted well into my mid-twenties, a time when we should all be throwing caution to the wind and taking risks without fear of consequences. It became clear, that though I was making progress and building a career for myself, I needed to focus on those things that made me proud of myself, and share them without concern for the opinions of others.

There are different ways to shift one’s focus from constant self-critique to a place of constant love of self. The first approach that I tried was to consciously compliment myself while in the act of playing. I would simply  use the same loving energy that I would send other musicians that I admired, and direct it toward myself. As with any new exercise, mental or physical, the early stages can feel awkward and contrived, but with practice, things become second nature sooner than one might think. Being in a constant state of open-ness to the beauty that is unique to you as an individual is a very liberating place to be, and sharing it with others seems to be the next natural step. By the time that you’ve gotten to that place of self-acceptance, it becomes much easier to make mistakes around others without feeling that there’s some indelible punitive label placed on you by your peers. It’s amazing how much pressure we place on ourselves, creating illusions that literally cripple and stunt our growth.

Ridding ourselves of comparisons to others is a very important step in the journey towards complete love of self.  Seeing an individual as being better or worse than you carries no weight in the grand scheme of things.  Everyone’s gifts are valid, and are placed in your path for a reason. There’s a fine line between observation and judgement, and we as musician’s cross that line everyday, by confusing our personal preference with Universal Truth. If you were to ask any musician (myself included) to listen to music without reacting one way or the other, with respect to preference, it would probably be terribly difficult at best. This, to me is a function of the learned behavior of judgement and critique that we all display to varying degrees.  It’s when we rid ourselves of this reflex that we really experience the true joy of living, where all things have some aspect of beauty, no matter how subtle.  I’ve made a pact with myself to allow the success of others to be a source of joy for me.  It’s now clear to me that when I witness another musician displaying greatness in any capacity, I can make it my own by being happy for that individual. The real truth of the matter is that you are seeing yourself in that individual. The only reason that you recognize greatness, is that you have it in you as well. So, celebrate the achievements of your peers, because their gifts are truly an extension of your gifts.  It’s just a matter of how you apply these gifts to your artistry, and more importantly, your life experience.

As human beings, we are all connected. It’s my belief that everything we encounter in life, be it through observation or tangible experience, is a part of the collective experience of the Universe. Our thoughts dictate the level of each experience, and with thought being the first stage of creation (thought, word, deed….in order), the way we think of ourselves is of paramount importance. We have a choice. Free will dictates that we can choose to respond to the stimulus of life from a place of Love or a place of Fear. It starts from within…………..I choose to Love myself.