...it doesn't even matter. I just went from happy to crap in a second. All because of reading what she said. Now I wish I never had told her, I wish I was never shy. I am alone and always will be, there is no way I can find anyone. She is the only one I think about, she is the only one I like. I may say "I understand, it is okay" but that is the opposite, I feel like I died inside. If you have read my other blogs I said in the one that, "if someone says how am I doing I will always say, "good, you?" But I am usually not, I just keep everything inside, or until I can't hold back I finally say how I am. Most people will never know what it is like to be me. I so kind, caring, giving, and will do anything for anyone and to not be noticed for that it just kills me.

I never thought one girl and some words would do this to me, but it did. And now I don't care anymore; I have given up on love, because there is none out there for me. There was, but it was ripped from my heart today.

I'm just like everyone in this world, but no one knows because they don't talk to me to find out, they just ignore me.

For the people that have known me, (you know always happy) you better get used to the new me, no more laughter, jokes, I'm shutting done emotionally. I have tried so hard throughout my life to end up with nothing hoping for one thing, yes one thing, still nothing. She was it, now I don't know what to do.

And I know she will do nothing about this, because she never reads these, I don't know why I type this, I guess I'm hoping to hear from you, but I know it won't happen. I hope she understands what I go through when I am rejected for being me. She could be with me, but she would rather be with some guy that isn't Christan that likes to do stupid or bad things. I'm Catholic, I have done more Christian things than anyone she has ever know. It is only a word, you can be many religions but still be called one religion. I would do anything to be with her, but I know nothing I do will make it happen. I have always said, "Treat others the way you want to be treated," and "Be yourself, not someone else." I now know I'm wrong. You have to do whatever it takes to be with someone, do whatever it takes, even if it means doing/being something you're not. Being shy has ruined my life but it can be changed, all I need is time and someone to talk to and then I will be a completely different person.

So, good bye life, it was great knowing you for those couple of seconds of joy and hope that I had.