I love to write. I have always known I was supposed to use my ability to do so as a means to connect with other people. When I write publicly, I try to take personal experience, without getting too detailed, and make connections with other human beings, to relate.

Well, there has never been a moment in which I've been this honest with myself, ever before in my life, and why I feel compelled to share this I do not know. Maybe because I think people need to accept things for what they are, maybe because I need to validate it for myself. Maybe a thousand reasons.

Tonight, in a conversation with my sister, we realized something. The truth, about who we are, and that unconditional love is real.

I have now spent 29 years of my life trying to feel some connection to either of my parents, my sister 27 years of hers. The truth is, we have put more effort into that connection than either of them. WHY? How could you not make an effort, how could you not take responsibility?

It is clear to me now! How have I not realized this before now.

My mother was 17 when she became pregnant with me - I was obviously not planned. In fact, there was a moment during the panic of discovering her pregnancy that abortion was even an option. That is how 'not' planned I was. So, after a lot of drama and tears, my parents decided to keep me, and at an incredibly young age got married. They loved one another, but it was a young, naive, immature love. My mother was MADLY in love with my father, the musician.... but it caused her to act like a crazy person and drove him out of love with her. I think he probably fell out of love with her as quickly as he fell into love with her... I'm considering their ages here and that is only realistic.

By the time my mother became pregnant with my sister 2 years later, I was already spending most of my time going back and forth between my Grandparents. They divorced when I was 3.5 ish? But I don't have any memories of them together or of us as a family. Nothing against my father, but he basically ditched... and now, as a woman getting ready to turn 30, I realize WHY. I understand why I've never felt close to him... because he honestly and whole heartedly just did NOT want to be with my mother, and maybe didn't from the beginning, he was just young and infatuated with her (what can I say, she was freaking GORGEOUS and full of talent, wit, humor, etc).... and she was doubly infatuated with him because he was the popular musician with 50 girls chasing after him when the stage lights shut off after every show. She probably drove him NUTS, I mean come on, he was 20 years old! So I understand (FINALLY). I get it. Not that they didn't want me, but to a degree, they didn't.

Typical, young love. Crazy love.

To shorten a very long story, my Grandparents raised me. Period. My parents just weren't available, and I have no concept of what either maternal OR paternal love feels like; yet I love them both. But this recent acknowledgement of where their heads probably were when I came along, makes me see myself in an entirely different light and I feel a sense of identity that I have NEVER felt. Even looking at photographs of myself right now as I sit here, I feel like a completely different person. I feel like the mystery and the questions are gone.

I love my parents dearly. I feel a duty and sense of respect. Ever being close to either of them, ever relying on them... probably not going to happen unless they let go of their guilt from giving up on what they were blessed with. I feel their guilt; it seeps out in nearly every conversation I've ever had with them. I've heard a thousand apologies and shed a thousand tears. Probably more than a thousand tears. But HOLY SHIT.... I made it, I did it. I am standing on my own two feet regardless of some of the hell I've seen and felt as a child. What my sister feels is probably an even deeper cut being a more passive creature, whereas I have always been the type of girl who wants things so badly that I just go for it and not let a single thing stand in my way, to a degree that it can be blinding at times. Including the belief that I was never a mistake, which I believe now moreso than ever.

Maybe they feel guilty for feeling like we were mistakes, but that is THEIR struggle, their burden, and they can let that go now. I know better. I could dig deeper with this and I'm sure a lot more writing will come out of this, maybe not to such a personal degree, but perspective has been given. I don't know how many times over the years I've asked myself the question "what is wrong with me?" or had a fear of acceptance. Nothing is wrong with me.... I am a strong-willed, persistent, passionate, loving, caring person who has been carrying a lot of pain. I know there are more of you out there who feel angry about something, maybe the anger is even directed towards someone specific.

Let it go..... free yourself! Of course history has shaped you, but do you want to be someone who goes around looking for excuses? Regardless of what happens next, I know that I love my parents despite the distance between us, and I understand how they are feeling. A lot has happened this year and I know they want to be closer with my sister and I than they are, they just don't know how to reach out because they don't know who we are. How sad!

Communication. This is the answer. I think they need to know that I am aware of possibly the ONE truth that they left out, and that is they were never TRULY in love. Its fucking okay. I need to tell them this, and especially my father. Its time to put an end to this ridiculous charade, there are steps to be taken and pardon my use of the good 'ole eff word once again, but if it fucking has to be me then so be it. I'll just have to point out how the idiocy of pretending we don't know has only created more distance.

The truth really does set you free. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful, new day. And when I press 'publish' I will probably think to myself "why on Earth did I write that?!" but only for a moment. People write books and search for publishers so they can reach people... but for me, I write because its a part of the way I experience life, so be it. If you don't like it, DON'T READ IT! Not to sound rude, but I really am a girl who knows what she wants, and (generally speaking) I know how to get it. It's hard work, it takes some courage, but what is there to lose? Sometimes it even takes more patience than we think we have. But what it boils down to is.... SEEK. Seek for something more, thirst for it, believe it, find it, acknowledge it, and learn how to deal with it once you find it - even if it wasn't what you were looking for!

Its going to work out, because even what we can't grasp eventually turns into something else that we CAN latch onto.

Have a lovely week.
<3