I don't want to be rugged as fuck.
And I don't want to be drunk all the time.
And I don't want to be sick anymore.
And I don't want to be boring.
And I do want to fucking write something.
And I Get it...  I really do. 
I Want to listen to Muse and Watch old David Bowie concert videos and new Artoons with computer graphics of robots and laser beams because those are the things that make me happy.
I want to live with epic things around me-- SMART epic things and not just lazy epic things with no forethought and all testosterone. 
I hate too much estrogen, though, too. 
Bitches, man, fucking bitches.
How about women and men?
I want women and men instead of boys and bitches.
I live in a weird gender neutral mind space that makes me not crazy like bitches but not stupid like boys with too many sperms in their balls trying to fuck everything with a pulse.
I wanna represent this mind process.  But how?
The great American generational movies have already been made.  This generation is encapsulated by "You just got served" which is even old now, too.  Maybe "Fast & The Furious 3"?  It's all dick measuring contest movies.
I want to make the "Pump up the volume" of now-- except i'm too old to preach high school angst, it just makes me a pretender..
But how do I combine my boner for music and film and art and literature and food and media in one package?  Is it possible?
I'm just not very cool, which is a problem...
But I get it!  I really do!!
Everyone feels this feeling in their guts-- I'm sure of it.
It's that swirling, pulsating, nagging push of inspiration and a feeling of superiority.
That lie in my head that tells me I'm capable of writing something good.
I read good books and see good movies and hear good songs and maintain a relationship with the way the world moves, and I think "I am capable of contributing to this".
But it's probably a delusional lie. 

I'm sick of watching people I love allow the world to destroy their spirit.  So much light has been lost to this adulthood bullshit, and it's really a fucking tragedy.  I am hoping so hard that I can get through all this-- live around it, and still maintain some personal integrity.  I hope to arrive at the door of death with some sort of grit in my teeth, and a beat up gait, but that light'll still be shining.  I want my eyes to glow like film projectors of knowledge and passion and experience.  I want to show up on purgatory's door (because, let's face it, I'm not evil enough for hell and not nice enough for heaven) Purging myself of all the vigor of my life in really good stories...

I need to eliminate the fear of externals, and create a healthy intolerance to bullshit, instead of swallowing everyone else's like a little bitch, which I do on the daily.

I need to capture my voice.  I talk and I spit and I snarl but I never hear my own voice.  I could just make noise, lots and lots of ruckus and noise, until something that feels right comes out...

I need to just fucking make something with my own hands, my own head, my own heart, without the externals and the tepidness of the fear of being judged.

Fuck the pisswater of this generation.  Fuck the sugarcoated, cock-filled, candy vomit of poular culture... Fuck it in that awkward, backseat, a little bit too aggressive, too many sips from the Fleischmann's bottle, lose your innocence kind of way. 

Make people feel dirty for all the sins of their bad taste.  Make the hipster kids who fall into the Pitchfork media jizzfest of new music made with synthesizers feel like the 80's rejects that they are.  Make them know that the emptiness of their music just serves to hollow out their guts and fill it with Scarves and hairspray, and predatory thoughts of buying more yellow sunglasses.  It automatizes them and they are faggots.  In the worst sense of the word because they are ugly and false and should be thrown in British fireplaces. 

All the hipster bullshit is foreplay for bad sex everyone tries to have with each other.  Except that it takes too long to get to the fucking because for every piece of clothing everyone peels off, they have to legitimize it by talking about the thrift store they bought it from, or the boutique in New York they ordered if from online.  By the time the hipster tease is complete, everyone is too whiskeydicked to take it all the way to penetration.

Fuck everyone who is too cool, fuck everyone who is too drunk, fuck everyone who is too beautiful, and fuck everyone who is too smart to be real.

Stop hiding behind your drunken haze and your stunner shadez and your Vonnegut books.  Get your fucking hair cut at Supercuts.  Buy your jeans at Sears.  Stick your dick in someone you actually like, instead of just the nearest warm hole with a Animal Collective T-shirt on.  Fuck you, just plain and simple.

I'm so disappointed in all the things I had hope for as a teenager, and how none of it panned out.  The Art kids i hung out with at UWM are now Riverwest kids.  They are horrible and self involved and self important and completely vapid.  Everyone else turned into Bay view hipsters that are much more low key, but they're just as full of it as anyone else. Including me.

I just want to kill pretension and meet people with no agenda. 

I want to say something intelligent about being passionately apathetic. 

This shouldn't be as difficult and infuriating as it is.