...even more than I imagined, and I was already imagining it to be awful. It was so off the mark in everything it did that I was hoping there was a commentary track so I could listen to that guy explain his genius. Remember when they used to call him "the next Spielberg?" That was the best one since they called Kurt Cobain the John Lennon of his generation. And they kept it up, even after he made that remake of Close Encounters that felt like it was financed by the Church of Latter Day Saints. It wasn't even as good as when James Cameron remade Close Encounters in a fish tank.

Now everybody digs on ripping on the Next Spielberg, which IS fun. But this is how the culture of "journalism" works now. I remember pretty late into Election Day, when the outcome was secure enough for me to stop drinking out of worry and start drinking out of relief, I saw an online news article that said, IT'S NOT OVER YET. So I clicked on it, and it said, ARTICLE NO LONGER AVAILABLE. The post was only like 38 minutes old, too. But it was that we-said-this-now-we're-saying-this-and-we-never-said-that process that you see all the time now, like when McCain himself said the economy was fine about two hours before the Titanic of Wall Street went straight up and down in the water.

Like the third line of the movie is some chick saying, "What are those people doing? It looks like they're clawing at themselves..." That's just the sort of King James English you get when the shit hits the fan. Just ask that Walmart employee that got trampled on Black Friday, and when they cleared the store to pick up the pieces, the sociopath shoppers were like, "But I waited in line all night." They had to come back in a few hours to grab their booty of Chinese shit. But you see, it's the day that they shop. After the day that they eat turkey. Getting ready for the day that they get together and give each other stuff with the receipt still included in case you didn't like it, in celebration of the birth of... somebody, I can't remember.

Yeah, nothing would be more horrifying than a cataclysmic event that turned Americans into zombies. And don't get me wrong, I'm just having fun here -- I am twice the zombie you are.

If you get the DVD -- heaven forbid -- remember to watch the behind the scenes, where they talk about how they pulled out all the stops. If by stops, they mean moments where everything stops and nothing happens, well then, they sure did.

You could probably wait to see it on the Sci-Fi Channel, because there is a moment of the crappiest CGI I've seen in some time, and that's saying quite a bit.

I don't think it's a spoiler to tell you that the movie has the obligatory marry-and-reproduce ending. I love the end of the world movies where they just want to restore the status quo. The status quo is what's horrifying. Give me a Dingo and a V-8 Interceptor any day.

But after the bullshit happy ending, there is a true happy ending, which they stole from 28 Weeks Later...