Anyone who has listened to me on Howard Stern or has seen my latest stand-up special, "Long Live the Queen," knows I had taken a year off from dating so that I could finally start attracting men who are my equal. A great by-product of spending a year on my own is that I no longer am afraid to be single, so therefore, I am a bit more – how shall I put this? – choosy about the men I date.

Below is a fan letter from a gentleman, let's call him Ron, doing what he THINKS is asking me out. His attached picture was GORGEOUS and a year ago, I may have jumped at the chance to meet him. Now, due to my better self-esteem and newfound courage to say "no" – well, read my response to him. And you tell me if I haven't changed.


To: Lisa@InsultComic.com
From: RonInNYC
Subject: (No subject)

Hey lisa hi im ron love ur shows find u very very funny and kinda cute hmmm lol love to talk iwth u if possible feel free to contact me i wont bite unless u ask nicely ha but if ever in nyc lets hang out xoxo ron oh yeah im the guy in the middle


To: RonInNYC
From: Lisa@InsultComic.com
Subject: You

Hey, Ron,

Got your e-mail and wanted to get back to you. You're obviously a fan of mine and a very handsome gentleman, but just wanted to give you some feedback on how to approach a woman of quality like myself:

1) First of all, Ron, love that you find me "very very funny." You leading with a compliment is a good thing. As you know, women eat that shit up!

2) Secondly, you state you find me "kinda cute." Hmmm. "Kinda cute"? Didn't you mean to say "Hot"? "Sexy?" "Voluptuous?" No? What about "Attractive"? Any of the above would've been fine -- of course, without the "kinda." Hell, I woulda thought it was "kinda cute" if you said I was "Cute." But the "kinda"? That makes me wanna spin again! Huge turnoff. If you're gonna give me a compliment, give me a real one. If you don't want to give me a compliment in a certain area, don't even bring the area up.

3) You say you'd "love to talk with me." THAT, I like. I love to talk via email or over the phone with nice chocolate daddies like yourself, and would be pleased to make your acquaintance in that manner. So, before you decide if you'd like to answer this, please put plenty of prepaid minutes on your cell phone and get ready to talk -- and by "talk," I mean "talk" and not "text." I only text in emergencies. I TALK to guys I want to get to know better. Phone contact helps avoid the emotional walls put up by texting and lets a person get to know someone better by actually hearing the other person's voice.

4) Congratulations, Ron! You get mucho points for "I won't bite unless you ask nicely." Although I've heard this before, I still find it sexy and look forward to being bitten if things should work out. Great way to flirt without being overtly sexual. That overtly sexual bullshit is a HUGE turnoff for someone in my position. So, you're a clear winner here.

5) Regarding your picture, all men should learn from you. Always surround yourself when taking a photo by less attractive men. That way, when looking at the photo, a woman will say, "Please let him be the guy in the middle," and will sigh with relief when they read that indeed the guy in the middle is you. Keep those friends of yours around -- you smoke them out of the water!

6) One last bit of advice: "Let's hang out" isn't asking me on a date. I don't "hang out" with men. I "go out" with them. So if you'd like to take me on a proper date -- and IF you don't have a significant other -- you can ask me nicely to go out with you after we've conversed a bit. "Hanging out" is something you do with your buddies or ho's you're not serious about -- and I'm not interested in being either.

Oh, and just to help you out, here is the English translation of the message you sent me. Trust me: educated white women LOVE them some punctuation and capitalization.

Hey Lisa!

Hi. I'm Ron. I love your shows and I find you very, very funny and smokin' hot! Hmmm . . .

I'd love to talk with you, if possible. Feel free to contact me -- I won't bite unless you ask nicely! And if you're ever in New York City, let's go out. I'd love to take you out on the town.

xoxo,
Ron

P.S. Oh yeah, I'm the guy in the middle.

Well, Ron, hope you've learned something from my note. If you're still interested in corresponding, you can e-mail me at this address. I find you very cute -- handsome, even -- and I hope you read this with a sense of humor and sense of understanding. Either way, I wish you nothing but the best!

XO,
Lisa L.