a flurry of swirled images is mostly all that is left... yet I am still disturbed. How is it possible that i have no real linear recollection of this dream that left me this morning, yet i am still left feeling depressed and alone because of it.
It's strange, kind of weird; I have not had a dream about "us" in a very long time. I cant even say the word us referencing to the "us" in my fucked up dream thus the quotations.
I remember the one single good, yet bad emotion that still lingers from the dream. Hugging her, "the other". The hug made me feel like I was floating, i think in my dream i was floating, but the floating was followed by guilt and desire and self hatred and confusion. Why after all of this time do I have this dream of something that now only smells and feels so putrid in the stench of it's long death; especially a death that cannot be buried or truly forgotten, just pushed back.
Maybe it is not dead, yet there is no hope for a revival let alone a resurrection. But why, after all this time have this dream now, I am left with these feelings, and never have I felt so void.
The "remnance" of that funeral is the only thing I truly love and devote my life to, yet I always feel like I am missing out. The only reason for my life, could actually live a perfect life without "me".
Thus the dream, I was so afraid of that one fact, that I did everything i could in this dream world to Dr. Frankenstein "us," but there was the matter of "he." outside of the dream state "he" is well liked by "me" and had nothing to do wth the burning tower of babel that became "us." The remnance would miss me, but it would fade with time, as has the 14 year old longing for my co-creator, the one, who was stripped and taken too soon. These memories caused a chan reaction within the dream space that because of the reality of it's emotion strem-lined me into a dark world where truth is even more skewered then in real life. The feeling of the loss and unrecoverable memories of my past lead me down this hole where my vibrance and essence is gone.
How do i know I have not lost my essence my life my urgency. How do i know this, when the loneliness is stripping everything away and leaving only madness and this damn dream, damn it all damn it all you figmented piece of my mental instabillity that haunts my innocent slumber. I hate this dream, yet I cannot help but love, love, love it.
It takes me back to another time, a place of purity and innocence and ambition, a place i have not returned to since the mysterious disease destroyed "us". That is a place i long for, but that vile yet vague disease that came in like a slow fever without rest and devoured "us" but the now, the future, the present makes "us" seem so disgusting, the virus tried to erase the good things "us" had in the past. The good things that i remember when i see the remnance. In my dream state I could not take this lonely "me" anymore i started to remember, the remnance and the other awoke my senses and that is when the dream begins to fill itself with too much emotion.
The dream conitnues
me, the he, the other, and our remnance all collide in one futile combustion which I could see would not end with the judgement day or the rapture of the "us" but only with the ultimate degredation of all involved, including the all so important remnance, the only thing left of the us, the purity of it. How could something so innocent be created from something that in retrospect feels so vile and sad. the us.... yet in the end I knew the remnance could not handle anymore thus I surrendered and knew i would live the rest of my life in sollitude away from the remnance, thus my life would not be worth living anymore.
in reality he and the other and the remnance will share many great memories together. me, oh me... "me" will just take any experience "me" can get, anything to bring out the shimmer the hope the love and the joy that the remnance creates. When the remnance is not near things get dark for "me". Because me does not want to and cannot fathom the new binding powers of "them" and the strong influence them have on the remnance, especialy compared to the poor pathetic state of "me"
In the end this dream stil haunts my mind, the emotions the actions the stupidity. I fear i need this dream, this hideous image burned into my mind forever. It is such a catch 21 for the "me" no matter what he does he will never have the "us" thus the remnance will not be as close. Thus the images of this dream are important; to help "me" from becoming lost.... but... Shit maybe its already begun, the never ending abyss, the pile of lost hopes and goals wasted, now the question remains... is it possible to start over and live without "us" the feelings i have kept hidden and locked away for all these years, they are now spewing out and I need to lock them away again, before all becomes bleak and dreams, damn dreams, become reality.