It's the holiday season
So whoop-de-doo and dickory-dock
And I think we all know
What rhymes with "dock"


It's been a long while, so I'm going to get right into my recent holiday blog-

In honor of Halloween, here's what scares me:

1) So far, there is not one presidential candidate that I can see myself voting for. (I'm still up in the air about Ron Paul, and I'm still contemplating Obama…. What I'd really love to see is Al Gore endorse Obama, just to stick it in the Clintons' face. You know… "Yeah, here's what you get for leaving me hangin' out to dry in 2000- Obama gets my Nobel Prize-winning nod, you bastards.")

2) People have turned the Nintendo Wii into their grail quest. (Sure, it's an awesome system, and much cooler than "Tickle Me Elmo", but seriously, how long are we going to let our collective bovine behavior prove the merchandising machine, with it's opinion of us as nothing more than mere cattle- constantly grazing at the corporate grasslands, to be correct?)

3) Paris Hilton recently posed in a nude photo shoot to raise people's awareness about global warming!!! (Too easy… write your own joke, post it in the comments, and we'll always have Paris...)


In honor of Thanksgiving, here's what should be shoved up a Tur-duc-en's ass (and you have to spell this new whimsical holiday treat with hyphens- otherwise, it contains the word "turd."):

1) ET, Access Hollywood, TMZ, and all the rest- there are REAL people with actual LIVES that are trying to DO something out there… why are these shows still getting attention, and who gives a shit about spoiled brats and their drug habits, love lives, and run-ins with the law? MOOOOOOO!!!

2) Reality shows on MTV and VH1. Anyone remember music videos? Obviously people do, because I see them on YouTube constantly; where I also see some guy's roommate set his own pubic hair on fire. How's that for entertainment you fucking cattle? BAAAAAAAAA!!!

3) High-Fructose Corn Syrup. There's too much of this shit in our food (so it probably SHOULDN'T be shoved up a Tur-duc-en's ass, but come on, it's a Tur-duc-en! What else can you possibly do- add a Cornish game hen and a Buffalo chicken wing? (Ofcourse, that would make it a Tur-duc-en-hen-ing.)). Almost as if there is a very small elite group of people with a very strong interest in keeping us fat and complacent… Yeah, keep drinking this beer, cattle, and watch this sporting event, and eat this food, take this anti-depressant, and go to sleep… for while you snooze through life, the elite who have been trained to believe that they were born into privilege because GOD made it so, will take care of everything… so sleep… sleeeeeeeeep… and when you wake up, DIABETES! AAAAAAAAGH!!!

(By the way, what am I thankful for? My family (which to me, includes my friends), green makeup- which is saving my butt again, the Orlando stand-up comedy scene, The Clarences, and the Killswitch Engage album "When Daylight Dies.")


In honor of Christmas, I wish this for all of you:

Like the sun, die and be born anew.

Let the parts of yourself that are absorbed by this illusion perish so that you can wake up with eyes truly open to the REAL reality: we are one.

If you are angered by the phrase "Happy Holidays" and INSIST that this is Christmas and NOTHING else, then I truly wish that you find the living Christ- an energy that transcends petty dogma and embraces the spirit of happy holidays.

And lastly, I wish that all of you get to play the Wii- it's actually pretty fucking cool.