His name is Zombie Jake. Zombie Jake was just regular Jake a week ago, before the incident. Regular Jake was just an ordinary guy, a lover of comics, a lover of movies, a lover of "Real Dolls"(tm), the blow-up doll that is oh-so-real.
Regular Jake lived a few blocks away, however, from Peaceful Sleepy Cemetary. Last Saturday night, while regular Jake was walking home, he heard a strange sound coming from the cemetary. Jake knew that exploring a strange sound that was coming from a cemetary could possibly turn out to be a bad idea, so he decided to move on. But he heard the sound again. "I could resist it once," regular Jake thought to himself, "but twice, that is a little more difficult. I mean, really, what are the chances of something bad happening to me here in this darkened cemetary where i hear noises? No!" he fought, "I must not go!" And regular Jake kept moving on. Then he heard the sound again. Whether he heard it for real or simply heard the echo of it in his brain, we shall never know, but Jake bounded into that cemetary as fast as his legs could take him, even though it's so flippin' clear that that is NOT the choice to make if one would like to keep living a normal and satisfying life.
"Hello?" he said uselessly as he proceeded forward. There was definitely something in the air, regular Jake thought. He could feel it. It was possibly just the humidity which was definitely really high that night, but regular Jake was feeling a little too freaked out to call it that. "There's something in the air," he said to no one.
He moved forward slowly, then he saw it. A body was leaned up against a tombstone in the distance. As he came closer and closer, he became happier and happier... the body was female, the body had honey colored hair, the body had a big bow on it, and an even bigger card the read "Happy Birthday, JAKE".
"A 'Real Doll' (tm)!" Jake the regular exclaimed! "You guys!!" And Jake turned around to see if his friends were there to surprise him. They were not. They were, in fact, all at the bar that regular Jake just left, entagled in an extremely intense, extremely drunken argument over which one of them should get to make a move on their very hot friend Sally, Sally with the charm bracelet, with whom each of them has been in love since the second grade, and who just broke up with her boyfriend of six years after he cheated on her with her sister...they heard. As usual, that rumor will turn out to be completely untrue.
"Wow!" regular Jake said, as he picked up his gift up. "I can't wait to get you home." And he stepped around what he took to be a freshly dug grave, right under the tombstone which read Sara Montgomery Rocks and is the Shit.
What will happen to good old Jake? Tune in next week! (Or whenever I feel like writing this thing again!)