has it really been a year or more since i last blogged? well, since that time, johann and i have returned to chicago twice: august of 2007 for lollapalooza and march 28th of this year to hang out with friends flying in from TX. we also went back to brooklyn to visit joy and dave earlier this march. we went to the st. patty’s day parade and joy and i went dress shopping and to some museums and awesome food places and bars.

we also tried to adopt a dog we fell in love with in january, only to be let down by our landlord. they will tearing this house down in august, so we can’t renew or have a dog (wtf?)...which has actually been a blessing in disguise. we started seriously looking for houses to buy in early feb.

also i started classes at the local community college to get all my nursing pre-reqs and a spanish class for fun. johann is working on research with dr. hildebrand and teaching calc 1. i am still working fulltime at the hospital.

the weekend of feb 22nd, we looked at more houses, and more that following day. then we went and saw ’be kind, rewind’ with some buddies and came home for dinner 2 (dinner 1 was too small and not satisfying enough apparently). johann and i started talking about weddings and people we knew who were engaged and getting married and or having children.

everyone here in IL assumed i was his wife from the get-go. after a while, we stopped correcting them. however, the past 2 previous years have been rough on my patience. i have been introducing the marriage conversation since 2005 and i never felt like i could get anywhere with him.

i’ve never seen myself as married or entertained the idea of having kids. is it my age? is it the people around me? is it my hormones? or is it just the right guy? who knew, i obviously couldn’t decide. but i knew i couldn’t imagine not being with johann. we like the same kids’ names, share the same sense of humor, the same values, like the same art, music, etc. i can’t imagine myself with anyone else. he is my best friend, the best roomie, and boyfriend i have ever had. we click, we communicate effortlessly, we get each other.

there had always been hints to let me know these, but i never really paid attention. my dad asked johann to call him Alan or ’Al.’ i about died. my mother once observed us in conversation at breakfast at her house and told me: ’i have never seen two people communicate as well as you two do." she seemed surprised at her admission. i was too.

midway through our dinner 2 conversation that night of feb 23rd, i started to doubt his committment since he seemed he avoided the issue whenever possible. i mean, he seemed viscerably uncomfortable when i would even mention something wedding/ marriage related. i had been hiding my anxiety for far too long and finally cracked. i cried and was angry at him for not understanding. i thought for sure we had become stagnant and he hadn’t a thought in his mind that a part of growing up might involve settling down.

i thought it was me, i panicked. maybe he didn’t want to marry me and didn’t know how to tell me. maybe he didn’t want me to leave, but didn’t want to marry me just to keep me. maybe he thought i wasn’t financially responsible or a good girlfriend or a good housekeeper. maybe he thought i was too much of a packrat... maybe... maybe...

johann had a worried look on his face. i was ready to hear his excuse: "hold that thought, i have a surprise for you..." and i couldn’t think of a damned thing other than self-pity and anger, of all things. he returned with a ring box and it didn’t register for a second or two, i just stared. when it started to sink in, all i could do was cry. what was the use of all the self-pity and self-hatred? johann tried to explain that he had been trying to wrack his brain for a unique, romantic way to ask me, but ran out of ideas. he was afraid the next thing out of my mouth would be an ultimatum (and i was too).

we laughed, i cried more. he asked if that meant yes, it did. we hugged in the middle of the living room, it felt like we embraced for hours. i felt a happiness i had never felt before. i knew this was right and that he was a good man who just wanted to make me happy. and he always has. i have just always doubted that i could be worthy of real love.

i couldn’t sleep all night, i couldn’t eat. we stayed up til 3 talking and trying to get his parents on the phone. they live in the phillipines right now. the next day was spent calling the rest of our families. now joy and i could go wedding dress shopping together :)