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This
is the preface of one of my Work-in-progress. I'm not going to post the
whole story here, just wanted to post the preface just because.
I wanted him more than
anything on earth. I needed him more than I needed my bed, more than
the water to sustain me, and the air to breath. My body, my mind, my
heart, my all belonged to him. I would have given him my everything
for his anything, for just a few intimate moments alone with him.
We were best friends
for years and then everything changed. It wasn’t easy anymore. We
were no longer just ‘Loralie and Nathan’. Before I knew it, it was just Loralie
and Nathan when he needed something.
He came to me often.
Advice and to lend a helping hand was what I was good for. He called
and I answered. He wanted to see me and I made myself available no
matter the time or day. He looked for me and I was there. It didn’t
matter if I had plans or if I was ill. It didn’t matter if my heart
broke every time he was near. Anything and everything he wanted, I
gave freely.
He had power over me.
Power to destroy or make me new. He didn’t seen to notice, and if
he did, he didn’t care.
I had the chance to run
away and leave the city, to leave everyone and everything behind. I
didn’t, I couldn’t, even if I had tried. Standing by his side did
nothing but destroy me, but I stayed.
I had two choices:
either leaving with an emptiness and all possibilities of seeing him
again gone, or I could stay to witness the love of my life loving
someone else.
Nathan couldn’t make
me happy the way I needed, so I settled with anything he was willing
to give. Betrayal, indifference and a pain like no other was what I
received.
He wasn’t always like
that; he was everything good in my world, at one point in my life. My Nathan was sweet, gentle, funny, caring, a
family man, the most adorable momma’s boy and yet so manly at the
same time. My Nathan
was different. My Nathan was there when someone needed him.
The Nathan who had
another woman by his side was a different man. A man I wasn’t sure
I knew any longer. A man that no one recognized any more.
Part of me wanted to
leave, but I stayed even though it destroyed me on the inside. I
preferred the pain to nothing at all. The pain and the tears reminded
me that at one point he was there, that what we had was once true,
even if for a limited time. Leaving would have only made my memories
fade and I couldn’t allow that. I preferred to look at him and long
for my Nathan than to
leave and risk not being able to remember every perfect detail of his
face.
Instead of running from
my heartache, I walked towards it, to let it consume me time and time
again. I was the masochistic lamb, innocent and gentle. He was the
ignorant and strong lion, my complete opposite.
Knowing he would hurt
me if I got too close, knowing he could have pounced on me and torn
me up at any moment; I went to him. Completely vulnerable to him, but
I wouldn’t had wanted it any other way. At least, I couldn’t have
had him any other way, so I settled for what he gave.
When you love the
one who was killing you, what is there left to do, but stay and let
them have you as they wish?
He wasn’t mine, Nathan belonged to another, but I belonged to him whether he wanted
me or not. My skin craved for his touch, my heart called for him.
Every fiber of my being was his. There was no use in trying to stay
away. At the end of it all, I belonged to him.