I am going to get back into performing stand-up comedy, so I've been writing material down today. Any feedback is appreciated:

So I'm Mary Roach. Bugs or drugs, which do you choose? My middle name should have been Jane.... but it's ok, I've met people with names almost as bad as mine. When I was 17, I had a telemarketing job. I called someone by the name of Imarari Dyke. And she picked up, and I was like, "Heyyy, is this Imarari Dyke?" and she said, "You can call me Ima." So, Ima Dyke, cool. I kept saying that name every chance I got. "Soooo, Ima Dyke, you need to come to our showroom, and Ima Dyke, you will get 30 to 70% off, and Ima Dyke, we have special discounts on carpet, so Ima Dyke, you need to ACT NOW (in Billy Mays voice) and pray later, bitch, 'cause (in southern redneck voice) I just done ripped you off."

On the topic of advertisements, everyone who owns a TV has to know who Billy Mays is. *Does Billy Mays impersonation* *shudders* I don't know about you, but being yelled at doesn't really make me want to buy something. If I wanted to get yelled at, I could just go visit my parents and get yelled at for free.

I'm really broke, so sometimes I have to be incredibly frugal. Like I'll se all these beautiful women walking around with perfectly manicured nails and I'll be thinking, "Pssssht! Those ladies are stupid! Why get that expensive manicure when you can BITE your nails for FREE?"

Another time, I was riding my bike and I flew off my handlebars. My body smacked the asphalt, bounced up, and smacked it again, and a good samiratan called 911. That bastard. And then the EMTs arrived, and I was like, "NOOOOOO!!!! Don't touch me! I don't have insurance!!"
"We just want to take your vital signs, ma'am."
"Well, are vital signs going to cost me? If so, LOOK! *motions to run* I can run away! I CAN RUN AWAY! I AM RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU PEOPLE!!!"

So I found out that if I give plasma, the blood bank will give me sixty dollars. Of course, I have to go back like six times in the next three weeks to GET those sixty sollars, but I also found out that they give you orange juice and let you watch Law & Order. I LOVE orange juice and Law & Order... when can we go back?!

But sometimes, to make myself feel better, I'll give myself a little pep talk and say, "I'm not BROKE; I'm financially challenged. Between credit cards. An indeterminate banker. Economically marginalized. Or maybe just economically unprepared!" In our current politically correct world, it's quite socially acceptable to give yourself those kinds of titles. After all, a housewife is a domestic engineer, a fat person is a person of substance, a fast food employee is a sandwich artist, a bad dancer is just excessively caucasian, a balding man just suffers from natural removal of his hair follicles, and a two-bit whore is just a lower cost option.

...does anyone have any ideas for topics I should touch upon? Anything is appreciated. It has been awhile since I've performed stand-up (over a year) and while I was a natural at it once (at the height of my AI fame when I performed at the Improv and such), I'm currently a little rusty.