It seems like every time this year I'm lonely.  It's even worse now. Let's work backwards. On Sunday I was supposed to go out with my mom, but I overslept and she pretty much canceled on me even though there was still time. You know it's bad when your mom cancels on you.

I got written up again at work, again. I was walking down the hallway and words went right from my brain to my mouth. Those word were "see-through" My mind was figuring out what it was looking at. A  new-hire for DSL had a see-through dress shirt on with  a red undershirt on underneath it. It wouldn't had been so bad if it weren't for Joe. Joe is the tobacco chewing, redneck guy I work with. He started laughing and telling me "that's wrong Summers"

Needless to say I slinked away and Amy (the girl in question) went to report me. She told me a little later she had a rough day. So I guess it's okay for Ms. Amy Henderson to make an example out of me. Well boohoo, I have a rough job now. That's twice in two weeks my inability to socialize normally and my big mouth has gotten me in trouble at work. Yeah I may come off as selfish but I won't let anyone take away what I have worked so hard for.

Speaking of that, I was trying to get a job as a "level three" tech for DSL, that's one step above the what I'd be doing when I'm through training. That opportunity came up after I got in trouble, twice. So Sprigg and Alex got it. Alex wasn't in my class, but Sprigg was, and I have no one to talk to now all week. I'll be fucking alone. Sprigg let me read one of his comics which was awesome. We go back a ways. Alex and I talked about nerdy hacking stuff during lunch. He came back from having quit, we go back further.

On the 8th (left a message) and 9th (in person) of October I tried to make plans with Claire, but she had plans of her own, her family was going to the Black Walnut Festival in Spencer on the 10th. I knew she probably had plans already so I wasn't disappointed. I called her Saturday night and asked her how it went and it turns out she didn't go. Her mom was feeling bad. Well thanks for thinking of me. This weekend was her brother Lee's birthday so I knew they'd be busy. I called her Saturday and told her to wish Lee a happy birthday from me, and asked if she was free on the weekend of the 24th. She has plans, something about a picnic or dinner.

For her birthday I made her a some cupcakes, as I didn't really know what kind of music she would like. I might have a better idea now since we compared music collections at McDonald's. I got her brother something as well, which I hope he'll like. My birthday is on the 23rd of October, I seem to remember a few of those days spent alone at Chili's. Always alone. I don't expect her to get me anything. If she does I'll be shocked and amazed and happy. She doesn't really put too much effort in to our friendship. I mean she does call me back if I call her, at least sometimes, but she never takes the initiative. I'm doing all the work and feel like I'm getting nowhere. I got her to a Chinese restaurant once(8/20/09?) which I thought was that start of something new. Then went about 6 weeks of nothing. I was supposed to see her on the way back from Ohio Linux Fest 09, but she was feeling bad and I had overslept anyway. I did get her to go to McDonald's with me on October 2nd. I'd tried to call her that week and couldn't reach her and instead called my cousin Christopher. Both the lack of conversation with her and what Christopher and I talked about made my upset. I had talked with her the day I came back from Ohio Linux Fest and I had suggested Thursday. I went to work just to see her, which I told myself I wouldn't do, I go in and come out and her car is gone. I go home and call her, she's going home, I hang up on her and she calls back, says her car must've hit a dead spot. She says she could turn around, but I don't think she really wants me to ask her to. Then comes Friday, she's wearing all black like she did once long time ago. I wonder if she's a ninja. She did disappear awfully  fast. I talk to her when she's going back to work from break. She tells me I didn't leave a message about Thursday, she might have said that the day before as well. She says she turns her phone off for church and forgets to turn it back on until late at night. I keep my mouth shut, but I called her Tuesday and Wednesday and told her before I stay up late. I get passive aggressive and she tells me to go get a brownie. I then take a bite and linger around some more. I think I even flicked the brownie like a cigar near/on her. When she's leaving I'm leaving too, as I'm upset with everything. I asked her if I annoyed her. That day I yelled at her, I asked her if I called her, will she pick it up or just "ignore, ignore, ignore." She then snapped back at me that I am annoying her now and that she already apologized (I felt they were excuses) and she felt bad enough for not calling. I got a bit watery-eyed, and she says sorry for snapping at me. I go out to her car and tell l her I've been going though a few things, sorry for being angry. I jokingly ask her what her excuse is. She mentions female hormones, and relates a story about a guy who had a sex change and was walking across a bridge and started to break down crying for no reason. I mentioned that gay people who get sex changes often switch gender preference, i.e. a lesbian who get's male hormones might turn in to a gay man. We made it to McDonald's to talk. I didn't tell her everything, but I told her enough. Don't ask. It kind of ended shitty though. I asked her if she wanted to listen to a Celtic song and she cried out "I want to go home." It made me feel so bad, like I had taken advantage of her kindness, or forced her in to a corner and she had no choice but to be nice. I don't like doing that to people. She's always so damn wishy-washy. She's a flake, but when she's there, you know it, and when she's not there, she's not there. She was so there that day and she made me feel wonderful, until the end that is.

I don't think she'll get me anything, if I do get something I'll be so happy, but I'll try to temper that with her politeness factor. "Maybe it's just tit for tat, quid pro quo" If she just mentions it's my birthday I don't know if that will be enough, it might be hard not to snap back, I guess it depend how I feel. Relationships usually require more than tolerating someone they require a two way effort.  If she says nothing I think I'll be very upset with my life and I might get a bit snappy.

I guess we'll see. After writing this I feel a bit better.