Life has a way of constantly being confusing....maybe it's just a woman thing....but I seriously doubt that. You know I thought just surviving my childhood was hard but man I never could have guessed that just surviving high school could be so draining. Just when you think you have it all figured out everyone around you changes again. New attitudes, new clicks, new sayings, new music, new boyfriends, new enimies, you get the point, ...I mean can't we all just slow down a little bit. It seems these days everyone is in such a rush to do everything, grow up, drink, have kids, get married, not always in that order, but for teens usually. I'm not going to be a hipacrit and say I haven't done the same because I would be a lier if I did but why? Why do we all, when we are young at least, feel that we have to grow up today? I have messed up so much this year just because of this..Hell I was planning on getting married this month...and I realize now I am so not ready for marriage and vows and rolly polly shit machines, I'm not saying I don't love kids I think they are adorable, but I'm not ready to be a mother or a wife. I am way to wishy washy for that right now. I mean honestly I change my mind with the wind. One minute I'm moody and irritable and the next you could swear I am on happy pills, there is a slight possibility that I am bypolar but I am just going to ignore that for now. I'm just saying that for some reason the past few years I have been trying to take the fast lane and now I'm just ready to slow down and enjoy the time I have left here in Waco as a teen. In a few months I will be going to college and God knows I have to get serious then but right now, right this minute, I just want to be a kid. I can't go back and get back all the years I already lost but the last few months I have I hope I actually take advantage of. I know the reason I'm coming to this realization is becuase college scares the shit out of me, yeah thats right buddies from school your Salutatorian is afraid of failing in college, go figure. I actually have nightmares about it. This huge profesor guy is holding all these papers above my head with failing grades on them and he's laughing histericly at me. No it dosn't really sound that scary now that I wrote it but in my dream I feel like it's the end of the world....literally. I just don't want to be second rate anything anymore and I feel like if I fail in college I will have failed in everything I have tried to accomplish my whole life. I don't want to be second class anymore....actually I have pretty much just been trailer trash forever...but I have to succeed....I just have to. I don't want to settle anymore for anything less than the best. I watched my Dad struggle for the past 20 years to just try to keep his head above water, and I am not saying that I don't appreciate all that you have done Dad because I love you for it, but I don't want to be that. I don't want to have to worry everyday if I am going to be able to pay my bills or put food on the table. I want to know that I am going to make it in life and I feel that college is the only way I will ever actually get that security I have been begging for my whole life. So....I guess all that is left to say is please pray for me to have the strength to see my dream through and not let myself down.