I like to be naked. I feel more comfortable naked in a lot of situations, both physically and mentally.

When I'm wearing clothes, it's nearly impossible for me to approach someone and start a conversation, waiting to catch their gaze, trying to speak loud enough, be clear enough, not stutter and miss my window of opportunity. I'm terribly shy. Naked, though, people look. People see me, meet my gaze, smile, talk. I'm full of witty things to say. I'm fun, approachable. I AM the icebreaker.

I don't get naked in some desperate attempt to gain validation. It's not about a 'porn star' persona. I'm no good at creating an image. It's not about being drooled over or admired. I don't want to be placed on a pedestal, I just want to feel connected to people when I generally feel like I'm on the victim side of a two-way mirror.

It's not even sexual. In fact, it's innocent and child-like. It's sort of frightening to be approached in a sexual manner when I'm naked, feeling as though people think because something is out, it's theirs for the taking. Fun, flirty, silly stuff is fine, but I'm really not into feeling like I'm a piece of meat and everyone around me is licking their chops...well, not generally. Someone actually said at Friday's party, "It's cool that you're naked and you're not like, whoring yourself out." It was clear that it wasn't about sexual attention, just being there and being free...and I kind of thought the moon shoes drove that point home.

This isn't to say that I'm never into being sexy, nor that I'm never a wild, sexual person. I'm not saying I never want sexual attention, just that that's not what hanging out naked is about. In fact, I generally dress up for those situations.

Maybe I like that people's expectations change when I'm naked. They're not looking at my clothes, the brands I wear, listening to my ringtone, poking through my iPod, trying to figure out who I know here.... Maybe it's that they don't take me too seriously, I'm cute and novel. I'm fun, free and interesting, and if I've got something intelligent to say, that's an added surprise. There's nothing to live up to, no image, no pretense.

I rarely even model in clothes. It's not just because I'm  too short for fashion modeling, it's that I'm too intimidated to seek out gigs that require clothing most of the time. I'm terrified of needing to portray a certain image, to play a certain role. I do porn because I'm a performer, not an actress. I'm kind of terrified of people's expectations. I'm no good at trying to be anyone but me, and I hate to be misunderstood or prejudged.

Being naked is hard to interpret. It leaves a question mark, makes people curious. It's freeing to be unwrapped, unlabeled. People are surprisingly interested in what's inside, even when they're not trying to put anything in there.

So no, my desire to be naked doesn't come from a place of self-loathing or a terrible inability to pull self-esteem from within. It comes from a place of self-love. I want to come across unfiltered, undiluted, 100% pure...or as pure as I get. I want to be seen, and I want to be seen for who I am without having to fit into anything, from a stereotype to a tube top. I just want to be myself and connect to people. Check out the link below...if you're 18+, that is. You should probably know that I'm wearing moon shoes in 75% of those photos. If you still don't see what I mean, well, you'll just have to take my word, I guess....


http://www.drivenbyboredom.com/dbb-gallery/Special%20Events%20and%20Monthly%20Parties/Mashup%20@%20McKibbin%20Lofts%20-%207.17.09%20(NSFW)/index.html



Oh, and for the record, I wasn't completely annihilated. I was probably way less drunk than I often get because I got naked. I was only getting carried in those two photos because I couldn't go down the stairs in my moon shoes hahaha.