Word Of Mouth



‘Hey man, read this book, it’s really good.’

‘Has it got a happy ending?’

‘I don’t tell endings.’

‘Yeah, but if you want me to read it I’m going to need to know.’

‘What’s the point of reading something if you know the ending?’

‘Because I’ve read and seen too many things recently that end with a tragic death and I’m fed up.’

‘Well, you know… that’s life.’

‘Yeah sure, that’s life. When was the last time your lover died in the
last minute before you could tell them you’d love them forever, huh?’

‘Okay, maybe that’s not life per se, but…’

‘Well, that’s every book I’ve read in the last year.’

‘This book isn’t like that.’

‘So it’s got a happy ending.’

‘No. It’s ambiguous. Not happy, not sad. It just ends. Like-’

‘If you say like “Life”, I swear I will fuck you up.’

‘It’s happy and it ends happy, okay?’

‘…Okay.’



‘So did you get a chance to read it?’

‘Huh?’

‘The book I lent you.’

‘Oh… uh…’

‘You haven’t read it yet?’

‘Sorry. I had other things to do.’

‘I coulda lent it to a million people who woulda read it…’

‘I said I’m sorry. Do you want it back?’

‘No, I want you to read it.’

‘To be honest with you… there’s something about it...’

‘Yeah…’

‘Something about it that makes my heart sink before I even open it up.
When I look at it, all I can think is, “Nah, I’m not going to read
that…”’

‘What? Why?’

‘Dunno. I can’t figure it out.’

‘Is it because of the cover? The blurbs? Oh wait – it’s because I recommended it to you, right?’

‘No. Maybe it’s the frame of mind I’m in right now. Maybe I don’t want to read a happy novel with an ambiguous ending.’

‘I’m telling you, it just ends! There’s no real plot, it’s just a bunch of lives interacting with each other.’

‘Why would I want to read that? I get enough of that in my own life. What I need is a plot to sink my teeth into.’

‘Jesus Christ, you’re like the Goldilocks of book reading. You want a
plot, but you don’t want a tragic ending, you don’t want normal human
interaction but-’

‘I want a normal book with a normal story that won’t depress me in the end. Is that too much to ask?’

‘Why don’t you write one if you’re so picky?’

‘Because I want the ending to be a surprise. And if I made it up, it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it now.’

‘You want a normal story with a happy ending which is also a surprise.’

‘Yes.’

‘Okay then. I will rise to the challenge. Speak later...’



‘Hey-’

‘Hey, I’m glad you called, because you won’t believe it - I have found
the perfect book for you, with the exact specifications that you were
looking for: it’s normal, it’s-’

‘Sorry, uh… sorry to interrupt.’

‘What? What is it? Are you okay?’

‘No… not really……….. My… my dog died.’

‘Oh shit. Oh man. I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m sorry.’

‘I know it’s dumb-’

‘Hey, listen, its not dumb, okay? It’s not dumb at all…’

‘I needed to call.’

‘Of course you did. I’m happy you did. I mean, I’m not happy, but…’

‘I know, I know.’

‘That sincerely sucks. That dog was great.’

‘I know. I actually cried.’

‘You say that like crying is some kind of a…’

‘Okay, I’m an insensitive jerk, but…’

‘I didn’t mean that…’

‘I know you didn’t, I didn’t mean… I mean, I wasn’t, I’m just… ah, fuck. I’m just upset.’

‘It’s totally cool. How did it… I mean…’

‘Hit by a car. Motherfucker didn’t stop. Didn’t even slow down.’

‘Son of a bitch. Those people should be shot.’

‘Shooting would be too good for them.’

‘You’re right. Man, this sucks majorly.’

‘Yeah. You know what I was thinking when it happened?’

‘What.’

‘I was thinking that I didn’t get a chance to tell him I loved him.’

‘………….uh……..’

‘What.’

‘Okay, uh, that’s where my sympathy ends somewhat.’

‘You what?’

‘It… dude… it wouldn’t… Jesus, it wouldn’t have understood you anyway.’

‘That’s not the point.’

‘It’s totally the point! Jesus, you have been reading too many tragic
novels. Listen, you walking it, feeding it and rubbing its fucking
tummy every day is the only thing it ever needed in its damn life and
it did not, I repeat, did not need you to tell it that you loved it,
because all it would have heard is, “Awawawa.” It’s a dog, doing those
deeds is proof enough that you loved the damn thing, its not a fucking
woman, you don’t need to tell it the magic word every day, you don’t
need to tell it its pretty; now just mourn the damn animal without that
completely pointless sense of remorse you’re feeling.’

‘…You’re right. I was being stupid.’

‘That’s why I like you, man. You see sense.’

‘Geez… I’m actually embarrassed I said that now.’

‘Ah, forget it. Everyone says those kinda things in moments like these.’

‘Yeah, guess so. What were you saying though, earlier?’

‘Huh? Oh, yeah. I found the perfect book for you, is what I was going to tell you - but seriously, don’t worry about it.’

‘You did?’

‘Yeah, yeah, but really, it doesn’t matter.’

‘No, it’s cool, man, don’t worry about me. Is it normal?’

‘Normal? Yes. Happy ending as well.’

‘Surprising?’

‘It’s a nineties book, so yeah.’

‘Sounds perfect. What’s it called?’

‘It uh… you know what, I forget…’

‘You forget?’

‘…Okay, I haven’t forgotten, but it’s got a dog in the title, so, I dunno. Can you deal with that?’

‘Yes, I can deal with that, relax. What’s it called.’

‘Okay. It’s called, “The Happy Smiley Dog Who’s Owner Told Him He Loved Him Every Day Until The Day It Died Happily In It’s Sleep.”’

‘……………………Are you like, the sickest fucking-’

‘I swear to god that’s the title. I mean, obviously I didn’t know your
dog had died when you called me, otherwise I’d never have even
mentioned the damn thing…’

‘There is no way there’s a book with that title. No fucking way.’

‘Google it if you don’t believe me. It came out like, ten years ago and
was a big hit with the folk who’d come out of the grunge scene - here,
I got a blurb, its Dave Grohl saying, “A twisting, rollicking ride.”’

‘Since when does Dave Grohl blurb books?’

‘I’m telling you, it was like, essential reading in Seattle.’

‘Well… well if it’s “twisting and rollicking” its not exactly normal then, is it.’

‘Okay… you’re in grief, you’re lashing out at the people you love. Give
me a call when you feel better and we’ll bring the subject up again,
okay?’

‘If I google this book and find out you’re lying, I swear to god…’

‘Hey, I’ve got a sick sense of humour, but I do have some respect as
well, alright? Next you’re gonna accuse me of renting a car, running
your dog over, rushing back home and waiting for you to call me just so
I can read you a made up book title and get a twisted laugh out of it.
Listen, man – chill out. Have a shower, go get drunk, and we’ll speak
later, okay?’

‘…Okay.’

‘And seriously. I’m sorry about your dog.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Speak later.’

‘………..’