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Pneumatic Devotion

Cristina Loughrey


Last Updated: 5/15/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 33
Sign: Taurus

City: Brooklyn
State: New York
Country: US

Who Gives Kudos:

Le Marquis .. (1)
Monday, May 18, 2009 
My teeth are aching again, tail twitching, feeling like hunting birds and leaving them at someone's door--no particular someone, but this is that ache for a lover I remember. For the love of god, someone intrigue me, inspire me to a good devotion. I thought that the high level of boring men, the bad art of failed seductions, and the fast-food container lines that subsitute for sexual nourishment had put me into a permanent coma. But it came out last night when I was talking to Brian over an expensive beer, thinking about how tragic it is that there is no one thrilling--no one that can inspire that sort of decadence. It's been about a year, but I just can't abide tepid men. I would rather be restless and frustrated than wondering why I'm wasting my time bartering bad sex for emotional sod. At least single, I have a space cleared for the memory of god-seeing sex and passion. It's easier to be a romantic single. And Brian says, "I figured it was great sex cause I can't see why else you put up with that." We're talking about the ex. Yes, I suppose I am that shallow; aside from the sex, it's a friendship. I'm not denegrating friendship, but it shakes me a little to realize how important sex is for me. I tell Brain, "Yeah, I like the idea of a relationship but there is a tension between my fear of dying alone and my fear of losing my identity in a bad relationship. It's not the commitment I am afraid of; it's the wrong commitment." I'm too emotionally involved with my body. Brian laughs as I lament and dread my sexual appetite, defend my unused prowess. He responds, "You're hanging yourself on a celebate rope..." I'm standing on the gallows, trembling, rambling, anticipating another addictive bad decision or another terrifying disappointment... gotta pull a great escape, slaughter the executioner. This morning, hungover and all my muscles bruised from jogging and drinking, I felt ravenous from the memory of skin... allowing myself memories again, getting myself hungry, feeling the hunt of post-coital relaxation and the conspiracy to pleasure.
1:45 AM
 
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Le Marquis de Sarcasm

 
"Yeah, I like the idea of a relationship but there is a tension between my fear of dying alone and my fear of losing my identity in a bad relationship. It's not the commitment I am afraid of; it's the wrong commitment."

this is the bane of intelligent and passionate people's existence.  slaughter the executioner?  won't there be another in line behind him or her?  perhaps the best form of loving is found in knowing that your lover has an axe that is crafted specifically for your own neck and yet, you trust they won't use it, and then they don't.  the possibility of death, the knowledge that the coup de grace will come, eventually, is what tells us we are alive, yes?  does that not create a catch-22 in that same quote above?  oh, binary logic, let me count the ways that i shall deconstruct thee.

 
Posted by Le Marquis de Sarcasm on Friday, May 22, 2009 - 2:24 PM
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