is it sad that i've lived here for four years

and next year when everyone's gone, more or less

i can't think of a soul i'll be sad to see go?

what kind of a place is this? who have I become? i've had four nervous breakdowns this year alone, two requiring medical attention and one requiring hospitalization. i am literally going crazy here.

and there's no one to tell it to.

i want to stop being alone and not have to deal with anyone i know right now. i dont want to be around people who are hell bent on saving themselves. all these girls are trying to get rescued while i'm desperate to drown.
i need to get away. i want to be done with this mess, and these people, and all these horrible memories. all the bad feelings, depression, anxiety, guilt, self-loathing, fear, confusion, iritation... all of it.

i'm so sick of playing dumb. of taking advantage of other people. of being used. of always being second best (or third or fourth or dead least). of always being the sidekick. of all the nodding and smiling and smoking and sipping and dancing and crying and fighting and lying and backstabbing and faking and pretending.

none of this is real. and we all know it. we all know none of us are interested in the other. it's always about what we want as individuals. how selfish we can be. im certainly not immune though i also cannot claim to be the winner.

i have this job i dont want. and these friends who are really parasites. and this abusive lover. and im overflowing with anger and violence.