i'm home now.
i should be in bed, which is occupied by a stuffed-froggy suckling boston terrier, but i'm not.

i had a really good saturday.
lots of laughs.
which i find to be a good gauge of goodness for a day, no?
i ended it with a trip to Virgin at Union Sq, and seeing something i'd want to give a friend.
a book, "50 jobs worse than yours".
so i figured, what the hell, i'll go see her.
she seems unhappy with work and i suppose i missed her a bit too.
i wanted to give her a laugh or 2 as well.
and i was able to, after quite the lil trip uptown.
i also laughed more myself.
happy, super.
tiredly i eventually left for home.
but i thought, it's a lovely night out, no?
so i decided to walk to the L train.
sure, i was on 80th street... but what's 66 blocks anyways?
cake.
and boy, it was a trip.
i was riding high at the start...
after friday nights fucking amazing Bad Luck Rising show where we opened for CC+C Improv Factory and Rogue Elephant along with todays improv class and such, i was happy.
girls, relationships, wants, needs, confusion slowly crept up on me though as i strolled down the avenue.
still confused about someone, whom i don't even want to mention anymore.
but whom still has me in a tight grip sometimes, even though i know it's far from being worth letting it trouble me.
i'm not perfect, i certainly know that, but i deserve better.
as i hit the 40s i passed by a place that holds so many special memories to me.
a place that changed my life quite a lot.
the building where the penthouse was that i filmed my reality show in.
i grew so much in those 2 weeks of, thankfully, never aired reality show bliss.
i learned a lot about myself and found so much potential within.
it got me running, and i haven't stopped...
but then i started to think about something i want right now, that i have never really obtained before.
what i want now, whom i want now, same difference...
i think... i feel... like i had what i want, in my hands, in my arms, in my clutches recently, but at the same time knew that i didn't really have it...
a tease for me, unexplainable and unintentional, but it had me on a high.
unfortunately a high of seemingly limited potential, limited by many laws.
not really of physics or math, but....
choices, life, luck, love, timing...
alas...

i had a dream...
sure, it wasn't as profound as Martin Luther Kings dream.
but she was there...
and then i woke up.