This probably isn't a surprise to anyone who really knows me or reads what I write, but I'm a dweller.  I have trouble just cleanly letting go of my mistakes, and while it has somewhat improved, the late nights alone bring it all back.

One thing that has helped is telling my new best friend about a lot of this.  I was worried that it would make me out to be some fucked-up guy that she'd never want to hang out with, instead, she has been understanding, having faced down some tough times in her life herself (and blunt, as she told me I need to let it go).  We have an awful lot in common, and it's been so wonderful to once again have a close friend in my life who gets it.  This is not a knock against my other friends, some of whom are also quite close, but there have been very few in my life who truly got it: my ex, my ex-best friend, and the above mentioned.

I have a strange obsession with perfection: I know in my head I'm not perfect, but I want the events in my life to go perfectly.  I am a diagnosed ADHD, with a subtype called overfocus ADD, in which I either focus on one thing to the detriment of everything else in my life, or I can't focus on anything.  The "overfocus" has been something prominent in my life.  It's been a detriment to some of my personal life.  It's helped contribute to what was referenced two entries down.  I try not to use it as an excuse, even though I'm not on medication for ADHD, because I feel in my heart that I'm better than those decisions and can do better (see the perfection issue), even though my head tells me that my problems have come from a more rampant ADHD.

When I have something to focus on, I do well, but when I don't, my concentration wanders everywhere and I struggle.  An obvious statement, yes, but quite true.  It's led me to working quite hard at properly organizing to minimize my problems in this area, which is great from a work standpoint, but it's kind of hard to organize a messy personal life.

I know that I will never get back what I had before.  I was very blessed to have a fiancee who loved me more than I deserved, and a best friend who was ALWAYS there for me, and I will never forgive myself for how I hurt them both.  It's a pain that I carry with me, that has driven my music [see everything I've posted that I wrote (musically), and multiply it several times], and while I pray an awful lot for the ability to go back and fix it all, I've gained some maturity from the process, and I have a new best friend who genuinely lights up my mood whenever she's around.  So, it's not a total loss, but ti does hurt like hell, especially when someone won't forgive you, and someone else gets dragged down with it (also my fault, because I started the problem).

Alright, it's off to bed....